To be or not to be....a Control Freak

There are many lessons to be learned as we journey along life's path.  Big lessons - small lessons...there is something to be learned from all of them.  Some things we learn from negative experiences.  Some things we learn from positive experiences.  Any moment is a teaching moment if we look for the lesson.  I was listening to a book this week and the author's idea was along the same lines in reference to a piece of clothing that was bought but never worn.  She indicated that it was okay that it was never worn, for she learned that she really didn't like that style or how it made her feel after she bought it.  She brought it into her home and it taught her something.  I like the aspect that anything in our lives can be used to teach us something whether it be what we like or what we don't like.

Years ago I started a list of things I have learned about myself.  I add to it as I discover things about myself.  Reviewing it from time to time sheds more light on who I am becoming as I grow in my life's journey.  At the top of my list is a lesson that I wish I had learned long ago.  It is a lesson that resurfaces over and over in my life especially as I interact with people in my sphere of influence and especially as I parent our children.  

The lesson is this: 

No matter how much I want to or try --

 I cannot control the actions and responses of others.

I cannot control their words.

I cannot control how they respond to me.

I cannot control how they show/do not show their love for me.

I cannot control their decisions.

I cannot control their thoughts.

There are times that I want to make things in my life fall within my plan.  I want to tell people what to do and make them do what I want them to do.  I want to make them think along the same lines as me.   I want them to have the same views, believe as I do, behave as I do or behave as I expect them to behave! 

Growth has made me realize how narrow-minded my wish has been.  What in the world makes me think that I have the best way?  What makes me think that I know the best response?   There is more than one way to do things.  More than one approach.  More than one way to think.  More than one response.  More than MY way.  I am trying as I listen to others to keep an open mind -- especially when their view is not like my own.  I am working on letting them be who they are and letting me be me.  Diversity brings color and interest, depth and introspection that I haven't gained in my experiences.

This lesson applies to all parts of my life.  I am learning to release the need to control and to accept that I don't have to be in control and it is okay that I am not.  When I feel the urge well up inside me to control someone or their response I try to ask myself questions:  Why do I feel like I need to control this situation, response, person, et cetera?  Why can't I just let them be themselves and appreciate their view?  These questions bring deeper realization of myself as I analyze the controlling urge within myself and they are helping to curb the desire in me to change those who disagree with me.  I am not perfect in this yet, but am working hard to be less controlling of others and to eliminate the WANT to control others. 

 What is the lesson I am learning?

The only person I truly have control over is myself.

"It is only through labor and painful effort, by grim energy and resolute courage, that we move on to better things." — Theodore Roosevelt

What Hinders Resonance

In my last post I explored the surface of acknowledging that resonance is created in my life through my communication and the way I live my life.  Moving further, in this post I want to explore what hinders resonance in my life.

Returning  to the examples of what happens in my music studio,  I'll start with the piano because that is the easiest one to explain and imagine.  I described in the last post how the strings resonate and overtones vibrate and resonate if the strings are left unhindered by the felts.  The felts are controlled by a pedal under the piano.  Once the pedal is pressed, the felts rise and every string is free to resonate as a note is played.  A vibrancy of sound and life can be heard and even felt.  Then as I lift my foot, the felts on the strings fall between and surround each string hampering the vibrations.  Only the uppermost octave which does not have dampers (because the strings are shorter) are left to vibrate.  The ear doesn't detect the vibrations as easily on the higher strings as on lower sounding strings. 

I describe that picture so that you can see that I get to control what vibrates.  I choose when I want to give the strings freedom to vibrate and resonate and I choose when to stop the vibration.  On an instrument it's pretty cut and dry.

When you move into the land of the sung resonation, the world shifts.  Sometimes we don't even recognize what hinders the tone from resonating.  It could be many things:  lack of space, lack of support, too much support or physical restrictions impeding the airflow just to name a few.  It takes concentration and awareness of one's own instrument to narrow down what is restricting the vibrancy of the tone and make the changes necessary to restore vibrancy.

I love both examples as I think they both apply to what I call our "life resonance".  Sometimes, we don't feel like resonating with anyone and we shut it down on purpose.  We let the damper pedal do it's work and we choose to cut off the flow of vibrancy within us.  Other times, we try and try to communicate a certain level of energy or connection and we cannot figure out why in the world we aren't coming across to others as we desire.  That leads me to ask what restricts our "life resonance"?  The words in the box above are just a few that describe obstructions to resonance.    As I look at the list, these words not only block resonance, but also can restrict RECEIVING the resonance of someone -but that is for another day's thoughts!

Fear, distractions, anger, closed-mindedness, pain, stress, legalism, tension, impatience, weariness and pushing or forcefulness can be restrictors to open resonation.  They distract us from allowing the balance of the breath, spirit, and open vibration of the tones of our spirit to resonate to those around us.  Personally, fear is a restrictor in my life.  Worrying about what others might think, how I will be received, am I on the right track (whatever that might look like or be)  and a myriad of other negative self-talk squashes my resonance in one fail swoop.  I am slowly learning how to keep that damper pedal depressed so that my fear doesn't override my resonance.  I find that I feel the most healthy emotionally, physically and spiritually when I refrain from giving power to my fears.  I am more self-confident to be who I was created to be if I don't surrender the power of my resonance to fear.

I am learning resonation is a choice.  Consciously or unconsciously my "life resonance" is restricted by my thought patterns and actions.  Sometimes I am not aware of the problem and have to go searching for which restrictor is blocking my openness.  On other days I know full well which control is in place.  My goal is to resonate fully, positively, bringing out the best in those whom I come in contact with in my journey.  I want to stand on one side of the room and for others to feel the positive openness of my "life resonance". 

So this leads me to ask myself frequently and ask you, my fellow sojourner....What blocks your resonation?  Which limits  do you allow to control or are controlling your "life resonance"?

Resonance

ˈrezənəns

the quality in a sound of being deep, full, and reverberating.

"the resonance of his voice"

the ability to evoke or suggest images, memories, and emotions.
"the concepts lose their emotional resonance"
 

(Pasted from <https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=definition%20of%20resonance>) 

There is so much to say on this topic, I am going to break this down into two days of writings.  It makes my head swim to think of the ramifications of resonance in my life.  Today, I'll take on thinking through the positives of resonance.  Later, I'll explore what might hinder resonance in our lives.

I think of resonance all the time as a musician.  As a vocal teacher, I have the opinion that the ability to create resonance  is one of the qualities that sets one vocalist apart from the other.  I work a lot with my students on being aware of  the sound they are creating and what it feels like/sounds like when they are resonating fully.  When they resonate fully there is a richness, a depth to the sound that makes you want to hear more.  I also have to consider what impedes resonance and not only try to explain that to my students but demonstrate it as well.

As a pianist, I know that if I play a single note on my acoustic piano, push the damper pedal down and listen carefully, I can hear the overtones of that note vibrating on other strings.  One single note affecting multiple strings around it.  There is a scientific explanation for that, but I don't want to go down that road right now.  If I release the damper pedal, the felts fall onto the strings and I am left with the resonance of one single note as long as that one note is held down.

That knowledge brings me to where my thoughts are this morning on resonance in our lives.  What overtones are created in those around me as I live my life?  Am I even aware of the effect I have on others?  What dampens and impedes my resonance into the lives of those around me? 

How we interact with others creates resonance.  Your persona creates resonance.  Motivation is resonance.  I believe  body language and facial expression create unvoiced resonance.  Words and tone create resonance.  Style creates resonance.  You have heard the phrase "She/he brings out the best/worst in me."  That is resonance. 

I have come to believe that in life inner resonance will shine through if someone journeys with you long enough.  Inner resonance cannot be hidden for long.  One can throw up road blocks, take on another image, speak in certain ways or do things to fit into specific surroundings, but that deep inner resonance will shine through even those actions.

What could resonance look like to those around us?  Here might be just a few words to describe what resonance might look like or even feel like:  "affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity, a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people, loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life and an ability to marshal and direct our energies wisely." (Gal 5:22-23 MSG)

"When people of similar frequencies come together, output is not a simple sum of individual work, but exponential.  In science we term this phenomenon as resonance.  Output at this state is beyond any logical limit."  - Ravindra Shukla, A Maverick Heart:  Between Love and Life

Resonance looks like many things in my life.  I challenge myself with the thought that it is possible that every encounter someone has with us...has the possibility to resonate something within them.  I pause to reflect on that statement because of the sheer power of the words.  It's more than the words I speak, but HOW I interact as my motives shine through.

What overtones am I creating with my life in the lives of those around me?  

A Change of Focus

Today is the day that I choose to see the good in something - - even if it is one little thing.  In doing so, I am not ignoring the rest of life's problems, but instead I am changing my focus.

Think about a camera lens.  With a wide angle lens you can see a better glimpse of the whole picture:  a landscape, a building,  sunset over the ocean or a crowd of people.  With a zoom lens you can hyper-focus on something:  count the spots on a butterfly, see the wings of a hummingbird, count the freckles on your friend's face or see color that blended into the larger picture.

Life can get overwhelming when we continually use the wide angle.  Yet, if we use our zoom lens we can get so lost in the details and color that we forget our path or what we were looking at in the first place, so it can be equally confusing.  How do you look at things?  Do you stay in one angle?  What would happen if we were able to use both lenses to their full advantage?  Sometimes by zooming in on something in the picture we can see things we never dreamed were there.  In a difficult circumstance, is there a possibility that if one searched for something new, colorful, good, a speck of kindness, thoughtfulness or hope or light...that it might be found?  What would happen if a person focused on the good spot for a bit instead of the grand picture that might be overwhelming? 

Contrary to finding the positive, it is true that negativity is a lens that can be used anywhere, at any time and with anyone.  One thing to remember:  It's a choice to put on that lens.  At times it feels as if the negativity filter was already on the lens when we were born or woke up one day. I'm not so sure that is true.  Could it be there is a choice in life...to leave the negative filter on the lens of life or take it off and disregard it?

Which lens is helpful for you today? What about in this moment?  Is there a circumstance which needs a zoom lens in order to capture a good moment or discover something new?  Or do you need to put the wide angle lens on your camera of life in order to stop focusing so much on the details of your circumstance and view things from a larger perspective?  Gaining perspective helps us accept things and move onward in our journey of life.  It could help us find the good in our challenges or help us to see that larger picture just a bit clearer to gain understanding.

Starting Where I Stand

Where are you standing?  Really.  Right now, stop what you are doing, stand and take notice.  Maybe this is a new thing for you to take stock of your surroundings.  Look all around you.  What do you notice?  What can you see?  Notice the physical place; it's smells and  sights and the textures.  Are you alone?  Are you in a place filled with people?  Can you only see 15 feet in front of you or miles to the horizon? Close your eyes.  What do you hear?  Is your world so quiet you can hear the hum of the fridge or the whoosh of the ceiling fan above you?  Are you surrounded by the clang of e-trains and noisy sound traffic or children playing?  Can you hear the birds sing their melodic melody or the brush of the wind through the tree limbs and leaves?   Where are you standing?

Progress begins with noticing where you stand. Some people never stand. They are pushed back and forth by circumstances or the opinions of others or fear of what it means to stand. Maybe they stand for a little bit, but when a wave of dissension hits them and for whatever reason, they are knocked out of the place where they once tried to stand. They find that standing still is harder work than they imagined. Some might be having a sit-in. Standing is too hard. Standing is a frightening idea for the brave and courageous. Standing takes energy that they don't have. Perhaps they sit because all the details of the plan aren't evident or on paper, and the world is never seen from the perspective of standing. Some people don't take the time to stand. The path is set. There are "things to do and places to go and people to see".  Life is busy with responsibilities and deviation from the plan -- well, there just isn't time to stand around gawking. There are a million reasons that keep us from taking stock of where we are in life. What's your excuse? What about you? Where are you standing?

Progress begins with noticing where you stand within yourself.  Deep inside.  Deep in the place where no one but God can hear your thoughts and dreams and wishes.  It's the place where you can admit you are weak or fearful or angry or frustrated.  It's the place where you dream of all good things and joy and peace beyond what you can even imagine.  That is the place of which I speak.  Is it your heart, your mind, your spirit or a combination of all three?  It does not matter.  Where are you standing in this place?  Or are you standing at all?  Maybe here, deep inside yourself, you find standing is easy.  You speak your mind and state your feelings and no one interrupts.  After all, you and God are your own audience.  Maybe in this place you lift your chin slightly, plant your feet, put your hands on your hips and stand firmly.  Take stock in this place.  Where are you standing?

Start where you stand.