Why do we avoid endings?

This week I have been thinking about endings.  I have been wondering a few things so I will put them in first person:  one -- why do I struggle finalizing the end of things -- projects, papers, tasks, et cetera?  two -- why do I think there is something still left to salvage when there is a clear need for more??  three -- why do I not like to say good-bye?  four -- why do I fear endings?

I find it hard to finalize projects because in my mind there is always more -- more to learn, more to perfect, more to strive for, more to write, more to think, more to discuss, more to catch..fill in the blank, more.  It's not the thought that it's not good enough - there is just MORE.  I can hold that note longer, have more resonance, find the perfect piece of art for that spot, make the recipe a little better, gain more confidence, find the connection more deeply....there is always MORE.

There is a part of me that doesn't think on empty -- I look at a glass with a few swallows of water in it as a waitress comes by and asks if I want more -- and I think to myself -- no, my glass isn't empty!  I don't need a refill yet.  It's the same feeling with leftovers -- if there is anything left - why make something new until you have eaten what is left from before?  If there is one more paper on that notepad...don't throw it away -- use it before you open a new one.  One more tissue - one more squeeze of toothpaste...you get the idea.

I find it hard to finalize projects because in my mind there is always more -- more to learn, more to perfect, more to strive for, more to write, more to think, more to discuss, more to catch..fill in the blank, more.  It's not the thought that it's not good enough - there is just MORE.  I can hold that note longer, have more resonance, find the perfect piece of art for that spot, make the recipe a little better....there is always MORE.

Then my mind goes to good-byes.  I would rather say "See you soon!"  "See you later!"  "Until next time!" than say "Good-bye!".  This is something I am noticing in myself that I wonder about.  Good-bye seems final.  Good-byes to people that I love, are just plain hard.  Closing down my studio time after time of moving from place to place to start again has been just plain hard.  Seeing friendships wax and wane -- is a form of good-bye and is hard.  Remember those seasons of life I spoke of in earlier posts? Sometimes, I want the season for a lifetime -- my lifetime.  Not the natural lifetime of the other person, thing, flower...et cetera.  I ask myself -- is it selfish of me to not want things to end?  Or am I afraid?

Maybe I don't like endings because I am a natural born planner (working on spontaneity in my life) and I can't foresee or forecast the next leg of the journey.  The unknown paralyzes for a time -- until it is known...and then most of the time once I have moved into the next phase I say to myself - see?  This isn't so bad!  In fact, it's better than expected! Maybe my fear of the unknown keeps me from ending things that should have been ended long ago -- like me hanging onto certain projects that haven't been finished for years  that are stored in tubs in the basement.  Or I think about that book I still have next to my bed that I don't want to shelve because I haven't finished it but yet I pick up other books to read instead of reaching for that one night after night.  Endings.  Hmmmm....

Maybe this is what my new approach should be when it comes to good-byes or endings.  Maybe I need to replace my fear-based thinking with possibility-based thinking.  I need to remind myself that with every ending a beginning starts.

If I think in beginnings...and look forward to beginnings...then maybe the endings won't be so scary.