The Valley

 Life doesn't always include mountain-top experiences for long.  Sometimes it seems like the valley is where you are meant to be.  

I literally have lived in a valley for the past ten years.  It's one of the most beautiful places I have lived in my life. 

I have learned that the valley can be a dry place, where the storms are buffeted by the mountains on each side and the rain doesn't reach the valley.  You can watch the storms on the other side of the mountains.

The valley can be like a long wind tunnel if the wind is coming from the right direction.

The valley can also be a fertile ground, where things grow in the low lands, green and lush, if there is a stream running through.

All my life I have heard the phrase "the valley of the shadow of death."  Being a younger version of myself with less life experiences, that phrase didn't have much impact on me.  I didn't even want to explore what that phrase might mean or look like in my life.  Who wants to think about shadows and death?

Being an older version of myself, well, now life is forcing me to explore this "valley of the shadow of death" even if I don't have my backpack, hiking shoes, and water bottle packed and ready for the journey.

The shadow of death.

As a kid, we would play with our shadows -- the afternoon sun casting our shadows on the ground; short shadows, long shadows, making shadow puppets or pretending to be the tallest when you are the shortest.  Fun shadow games.    

I've not been one to be afraid of shadows.  I'm not one to be afraid of the shadow of death, but I, myself, have not been considered to be actively dying -- other than understanding the reality that we all will leave this physical life one day.

What no one tells you is that living in this shadow of death with a loved one who has a chronic illness that is not able to be healed....is.... well, exhausting.  It takes over every thought, decision, plan, emotion.  It can numb the joy, happiness, or the good feelings in life, though it makes you grateful for those moments, however brief they are.  The reality that that shadow that reappears as soon as the sun rises again hits your awareness and wreaks havoc on your senses.

This shadow valley is one that feels impossible to escape even for a few moments, as if you were trying to climb a rocky mountain with bare feet.  Honestly, sleep is the only true escape.

It's easy to feel alone in this shadow.  It's not like the fun times of shadow puppets.  It's not like you say to your friends, Hey -- grab your backpack and let's go hiking in this dark shadow valley where there is no light at the end of the tunnel for a day.  Yeah, we might go spelunking for fun in caves, but we usually do not live in the depths of the cave.   And unless you have been in death's shadow valley yourself, it's hard to understand what it might feel like and be for another person.

It takes light to make shadows, right?  Sunlight, lamplight, whatever kind of light.  You cannot have a shadow without light.

I guess what is what I'm trying to do is live in the shadows that are covering the valley, but focus on the light as the storm is not ripping through the valley leaving rainbows behind, but hanging here.  Honestly, this is hard.  It's one of the hardest things I have done in my life.