Help! I'm stuck!

All right.  You might not know this about me, but I tend to get stuck.

After living on the farm these past two years, I think I have now found every soft spot and underground spring -- and sometimes obvious marshy places -- on the farm.  And I have a propensity to get the tractor stuck as I am mowing.

I love to mow.  I have no idea why -- but I love mowing.  Hop on the tractor, rev up the engine, turn on the blades, and mindlessly go back and forth over grass that is higher than the "acceptable length" in my eyes and create the most wonderful fragrance in the outdoor world:  fresh cut grass.

Okay....as you are groaning and I am smiling, let me get to the point of my thoughts before you run out to the garage and try to start up your mower in February.

I also love to organize.  One of my winter projects was to clean out files in my file drawers.  I only have two -- so it shouldn't be a hard task, right?  I got together all my tools -- trash bag, new file folders, and organizing tabs and clips and brought out the first huge file of paper and stopped.

Viewing the contents of the file brought back old feelings, situations, and in my mind's eye, I was right back in the old place of my journey that this paper represented.  Let me tell you this:  I got stuck. 

As I was reflecting and reading the file the questions begin to roll:  To toss or not to toss?  THAT is the question!

If I hold onto something that doesn't bring joy, what good does it do me?  What good does it do my spirit and my psyche in this new part of my journey?  Let me tell you -- deciding whether or not to toss those memories was extremely hard!  I had things dating all the way back to foreverland in that file drawer!  All kinds of questions zipped through my brain.  Did tossing the negative things stored in that drawer mean they never happened?  If I kept only the good things and I died and someone else had to go through the drawer would they think I lived a "charmed" life and not get a realistic picture of my struggles?  (Yes, that was one of the things I really thought.)  What would my life look like without certain memories in that drawer? 

As hard as I could, I tried to equate cleaning out the drawer to mowing...and not getting stuck.  I didn't want to get stuck in the bad memories or things that represented mistakes or errors in my journey.  And I realized that if I learned my lesson well, I didn't need to keep a reminder of that time.  The lesson was learned.  I needed to move on and not focus back there on that time I got stuck in the spring that I KNEW was there because I had gotten stuck the last time I rounded that area of the fence line.  I just needed to remember that the underground spring was there -- and avoid getting stuck by rehashing the last time I got stuck.   I needed to recognize when the front wheels started getting wet and stop - and back up -- and go around that area.  Lesson learned.  No need to sink in that hole again. 

Did I need files of memories to not get stuck again?  Nah. 

Realizing that I could avoid getting stuck in that same old thought process, same actions, same rehashing of old times that didn't extend grace to myself or someone else was not helping me in my footing on THIS hill I am climbing; on THIS part of my journey.   So I finally did what I needed to do and cleaned it out.

I left room for new memories -- new files -- good and bad because the cleaning process is usually not a once and done project for me.  I am always finding things I should have "thrown out" but wasn't quite ready.  Now I am ready.  Ready to see the deep grooves in the mud and not go there anymore.  Ready to recognize the rut in my thinking and speech and actions.

Ready to mow, anyone?

"Raindrops keep falling on my head"......

It's raining today.  

Some days I feel like walking in the rain.  Walking in the rain can be like taking a look back at all that you have learned.  

This morning, I read through my blogs of the past three years and that's exactly what it felt like -- a walk in the rain, carrying no umbrella with raindrops "falling on my head".

My blog post on Humanness especially made me stop and ponder this morning.  This time it brought out a lesson is in a different context.  

At that time when I wrote on humanness, I was focusing on accepting my OWN humanness.  Being okay with myself as I walk along this bumpy, rocky, and sometimes hilly journey we call life.  Being okay with the fact that sometimes I don't walk "well".  Being okay with the fact that I stumble, choose the wrong footing, fall, and have to struggle to get back up again.  Being okay with the fact that I am not perfect.  It was about accepting myself and realizing that being human doesn't make me a bad person.  It helps me to accept myself as I learn and grow and make mistakes.  Accept MYSELF.

Today, as I was reading those words and walking in "the rain" of my thoughts, more realizations started forming, but this time it wasn't about my humanness.  It was about the humanness and acceptance of OTHERS.

Others = The people I love -- the ones in my tribe, my circle of acquaintances, and my family are all HUMAN!

In being human they are like me.  They stumble, and fall, and struggle, and choose words and actions unwisely, offend, and get stuck....just like me. 

They want to be accepted by their circle....just like me.

They want to be heard and loved....just like me.

They want to feel the sun on their face and feel free and at peace....just like me.

At times they might not be willing or ready to let certain things go yet....just like me.

They might need a friend to walk with....just like me.

Accepting those humans around me is just as important as accepting myself.  In fact, I found it to be harder because for some reason at times it is my nature to hold them to higher standards than I do myself.  For some reason, it's easy to believe that those humans around me should learn their lessons faster, be kinder,  struggle less, believe in themselves more, and  be this perfectly perfect person.... unlike me.  

Why should I believe that their journey of humanness is so different than mine?

It is wrong of me to think so, and when I can see my humans -- ALL humans with that frame of mind, then I believe it starts to set me free.  My spirit and mind become more open, and I start to feel more at peace within myself.  It's like giving them a "Get out of jail free" card from the Monopoly game I played long ago.  In my spirit and thoughts I extend grace to them as they live in their humanness. 

Extending grace and accepting people, however, doesn't mean the logical consequences of actions and words (positive or negative) go away.  

What it does mean is that my frame of mind in reference to them is different. 

It mean that at times it is easier to set down the "victim" hat and move forward in my own humanness.  It means that the old anxiety and strife when I think of a human that has wronged me doesn't bubble up as often...or to the same extent.  

It means that in my mind I can be healthy -- even if they are not.

Out of focus?

I love the picture above.  Let me tell you why.  I think the pond on our farm is one of the most relaxing places to hang out.  You hear the breeze blow through the pines, the birds dive around the water looking for bugs and food -- and you occasionally hear the fish plop back into the water as they make a break for the sunshine.   There are no chores at the pond (Okay-- I take that back.  The dock could use a good sanding) that cannot be overlooked for the moments that you spend there. 

The main reason I love the picture though is not just because of its restful setting.  The main reason I love this photo because of how the photo is focused on the foreground.  The photo reminds me -- sometimes the scope of my thinking and perspective is all about what I focus on.

I must admit, lately I've been in a dry spell that has zapped my creative thinking.  Sometimes the ADL's (activities of daily living) of life overwhelm the creative energy that one can have.  It's spring at the farm -- which means there is grass and pastures to be mowed, gardens to plant, weed and tend, and flower beds to cultivate and mulch added to the normal activities of horse stall cleaning, grooming, groundwork and riding, pigeon breeding season and loft management as well as household chores, parenting and feeding my flock.  :)    I am not complaining about any of those activities I just listed for I love each one  (really, I truly don't mind the mowing or stall cleaning) -- it's just that my full life just gets a bit fuller when the weather is beautiful and there is much to be done outside.  I love being outside.

The dry spell surfaces when I don't take the time to be still with my own thoughts, a piece of paper and pencil.  The dry spell comes when my focus is on all the doing and the focus is clear and sharp in that area.   The dry spell stays when I forget that I have the power to zoom in -- or out.  My days add up to the choices I make each day and when I forget to make the choice to focus on creativity -- that is when the creative oasis seems far away.

I once heard the idea that "Good things keep you from the greatest thing."  I have come to tweak and expand that quote a bit -- for my own healthy living.  I say, "Good things can keep you from excellent things." 

None of those things in my list of ADL's are bad.  In fact, they are all good things.  They help out the family and bring me joy in doing them.  However, when I do good things -- and leave no room for expansion -- those good things can keep me from perhaps what might become excellent.  The focus that is now on the foreground -- might be missing something wonderful in the background.

I know if you've read my blog at all in the past two years you find that I think a lot about focus and perspective.  I am growing in that area as I journey along life's path.  I think our perspectives and what we choose to focus on lends us power.  Not power over people -- but power over our lives.  We see choices that we might never have seen before -- or see the ability to make decisions that we never thought we could make.   When I realize there are choices in my journey, it makes me feel liberated and opens up paths I might never have noticed.

The beauty of focus. 

Now do you see why I like the photo?

The VOID

These words crossed my FB feed one day from the Healing Hugs web page.  Loss.  It comes in all sizes and packages and isn't always about people.  Sometimes we lose things that represent memories in our journey -- those tangible symbols of  a time that was memorable:  good or bad.  Feelings of loss can arrive after realizing the loss of losing something that makes us feel good, like a favorite pair of shoes or jacket.  Feelings of loss happen when connection is lost between two people or pets.  It doesn’t matter what the type of relationship.  There is a void where the connection once was and it's hard to know what in the world to do with that empty space the void creates.

Truly, I don't think the reason for the loss matters.  There could be many different reasons for losing connection.   Temporary loss of connection could be as simple as losing cell phone connection in the middle of a conversation.  It could be the loss you feel when your child goes on a weekend trip or to summer camp; or if your partner is deployed and you know it's going to be a long season of multiple months away causes feelings that connection is lost.  Maybe you stay connected occasionally with friends or family and you haven't heard from them in weeks or months -- a longer period of time than usual -- and that creates a feeling of loss.  There are many other scenarios -- fill in one that comes to your mind that you have experienced.  A temporary loss can be devastating, but one thing differs from permanent loss -- there is the hope and knowledge  that the loss of connection will end.  Your child will come home from camp or the weekend away;  your partner will come home (hopefully safely) at the end of deployment; family members or you yourself will pick up the phone and text or call or write and connection resumes again sometimes even stronger than before.

Long-term loss feels different to me.  It has an underlying foundation of hopelessness.  In terms of long-term loss -- one can hold out hope for a season and sometimes the season is long -- months, years, decades and sometimes a lifetime.  There is hopelessness, but yet a mustard-grain seed of faith keeps some spark alive that things will change and connection will be restored.  This is a hard place to be.  Connection takes two entities and if one is unwilling or unable or the connection didn't mean as much to them as it did to you,  it might be easier for them to move on ahead and fill the space that you once occupied in their mind, their heart, their spirit than for you to do so.  This particular waiting room can be a painful place to reside.  Wondering during the season of un-connectedness can be excruciating.    "What-if land" can be filled with fear, suffering, loss, mourning, and even anger.  Feelings of not being enough are ever present on the surface.   Frustration, anger, and sadness can flow in and out of your emotions when certain memories are triggered and yet, if good memories come to mind, joy and sadness coexist in a way that befuddles the mind. 

Permanent loss is devastating in that there no longer is any hope.  There is no light of reconciliation or re-connection.  Only time can blunt the sharpness of the loss and the time frame is different for everyone depending upon the deepness of your connection.  In this place of darkness, it takes great effort to acknowledge the loss and even more effort to acknowledge the permanence of it.  This path in the shadows of one's journey can change your life.  Some get stuck in this place.  Some stay stuck for awhile and then begin to take tiny shuffle-steps forward out of the darkness and into the shadows of memories gone by.  Over time, one might move forward into the sunshine even just a little bit by focusing not on the loss, but the joy of what once was -- the connection  between two beings that filled you with happiness and joy for even but a part of your journey.  To celebrate the relationship that lasted only for awhile is a gift you can give to yourself.   Acceptance of the closed door named hope is essential to moving out of the shadows and into the light.

 As the quote says above, one of the hard things about loss is what do you do about the empty space the loss of connection leaves behind?  Some people don't want to fill the emptiness.  They feel that focusing on the space that once was filled is a way of keeping the memories alive.   It might seem as though hope is there -- even though the knowledge of reality says differently.  Denial keeps your feet from moving in any direction.  The fight to keep that sacred space empty can cause physical, mental, emotional and spiritual  issues.  Other people in our lives might not be able to understand why keeping the space free of anything else is so important to you and it could wear on other relationships.  

For others, filling the space might be easier.   They just get busy.  They get busy doing whatever it is their calendar can hold.  For some, they might try and throw meds in the hole or drugs at the space or pretend it doesn’t exist.  Some try to sleep it away.  The space can be filled.  It is our choice to choose what to put into the void.  I'm not saying this is easy by any stretch.  It's not.   Sometimes we don't choose arbitrarily.  Sometimes life helps us choose.  Either way, hopefully some day we can look back on that space of connection and name it and cherish it and turn our face toward the sun and life forward in our journey.

Does filling the space mean forgetting?  Absolutely not.    One perspective is that we are lucky to have had experienced something so beautiful along our path and that is why it is so hard to say good-bye.  It is possible to celebrate the lost relationship and fill the space they once held with healthy reminders or activities or new relationships that foster taking care of yourself during this time.    Self-care while spending time in the void is critical to moving ahead into the sunlight.  There also might be others in your sphere of influence who are fellow "void-dwellers" -- those people who are experiencing loss of their own.  Together you might find a safe place to reminisce and celebrate or express the gamut of emotions loss brings.  

Our life journey will bring losses of many types.  My hope is that we can realize that we are not alone on the path.  We just might need to look around for others who have emerged in the shadows or for those who have stepped into the sunlight of their own path to help. 

COMPASS POINT:  There are community groups called Griefshare that focus on paths of loss.   Perhaps they would be of help at this time in your journey.  Here is the link for more information:  www.griefshare.org.

Growing pains: thoughts on feelings

Whenever I think of the word "feelings"  my mind automatically goes to the first five words of the song "Feelings by Louis Gasté, 1973.  "Feelings, nothing more than feelings..."

WOW.  That's a blast from the past, isn't it? 

Embedded in my memory are those five words and the tune.  In my journey of late, this is the area I am concentrating on.  Let me admit to you -- this is hard work. 

Now, as you read this, you might think:  "You are a woman.  All you have are feelings and you are in tune with them being of the female gender."  I will admit.  I  have feelings, but I am not always in tune with them.  That's the problem.

Oftentimes it's hard to even put into words what I am feeling, so I have taken to carrying around a feelings chart I found online.   Words mean things to me -- and being able to identify what is passing through my mind and heart and spirit is meaningful to me -- and hard work.  In the past, I have buried my feelings until they have come up and out like a volcano (not always in a positive manner).  Now, on this leg of my journey, I am understanding that healing and moving forward means acknowledging what I am feeling and speaking it.   Good, bad, or ugly -- name it.  Don't judge it.  Name it.

Now this might sound kooky -- but  am beginning to practice naming things.  I look around and see things and name them.  Then I ask myself -- how does that thing, person, event -- whatever I named -- make me feel in this moment.  Not what it made me feel in the past.  Not what it might feel like tomorrow -- but right now.  The words I use go beyond your basic feeling words of sad, happy, angry -- and become more specific:  joyful, disappointed, loving, valuable, confused, and so on.

Blogging these very thoughts makes me feel vulnerable.

I believe that being able to name what I am feeling, not what I am thinking (which comes much easier for me), is part of my healing.  It is part of beginning to trust myself and others.  It is part of recognizing who I was created to be.  It is the foundation of being able to love in the agape way.  I want to grow in my relationships and in order to do that, the growth starts with me.

My therapist gave me homework.  I am to start thinking about and finish the following statement: 

"I feel _____________, when you _______________.  I need _______________." 

This is one of the hardest homework assignments I have ever done.  To not only have to NAME my feeling but to point out what brought that feeling on -- AND say aloud what I need (which is also extremely hard for me to voice) is exhausting.  It also is freeing.  It is teaching me I can acknowledge how I am feeling and what brought that feeling on  without laying blame -- and also frees me to say what I need in that moment.

I am experiencing growing pains.  This journey isn't all about smelling the roses.  Sometimes the path gets muddy and I have to get stuck in the mud and lose my shoes before moving forward out of the pit to more solid ground.

Endings: Don't Abort! Don't Abort!

My family finished up a wonderful week at our favorite vacation spot.  Our time was near perfect to our expectations and we enjoyed every minute of being together - with the exception of the 14 hour travel time from home to our hideaway.  As we neared the end of our time away I noticed things:  none of us wanted the time to end.

Some of us got cranky and some became sad.  Some got anxious and started packing early.  Some procrastinated packing until the very last second perhaps thinking that if they put it off it might never need to happen and we could stay indefinitely.

I found that as we visited the local souvenir shop that other people seemed to have the same thought.  They were searching for that perfect token to trigger memories of the time they wanted to remember and wished would never end.

I have found that endings are often viewed as negative events.  Think of the endings you have experienced in your lifetime.  Even as a young child we experienced endings (positive or negative):  the end of crawling around when we started walking as our mode of transportation; school years ticking by; friendships change as re-locations happen; we finish great books or TV series that we have enjoyed; our first job ends; a deadline on a project ends; vacations come and go and time moves on as life offers more choices to begin new things, tasks, projects, experiences, and relationships.

Think about this thought:  "No one knew better than a gardener that life never stayed static.  Cycles were necessary, for without them there was no bloom." - Nora Roberts, In the Garden Trilogy.

I like this thought:  if not for the life cycle of each project, issue, relationship...we would not experience vibrant color and sweet fragrance that each brings to our lives.  We would miss those sweet blooms of taking vacations with family, the fragrance of life as we watch our children grow and experience life on their own, the vibrant eye-catching color of passion and romance in relationships, the showy palette of a project completed and accomplishment experienced as shade on our journey.

Endings don't have to be viewed as negative.  Within the perspective that something better is in the next bloom cycle, one can enjoy the current aesthetics of current bloom cycle and look forward to the next season at the same time.

MY CONFESSION

Have you ever caught yourself in a habit?  Good or bad...it can be eye-opening when you have the ability for even a moment to stand back and view yourself as someone else would see you in that moment.

I discovered a habit I have in communication.  This habit occurs especially when I am talking about myself.  Now that I have discovered it...I have had to use the delete button multiple times and each time I am now asking myself - why did you phrase it that way?

Wanna know what it is?

I often use the word "just" as a clarifier.  I mean OFTEN.  VERY OFTEN.

You might think...GASP...what in the world?  Oh no!  That is awful!  (In writing these past couple paragraphs, I have typed the word "just" at least three different times and had to erase it.)  Or you might be thinking...that Deb Anderson....she is NUTSO!  Why in the world does it make a difference what clarifier she uses or that she uses one at all?

I have realized something, though, in using the word "just".  I have chosen to use the word in the wrong way.  I use it in a way that minimizes my thought or feeling which translates to minimizing myself.  Looking at the definition...when used as adverb it means exact or precisely.  I find I use it incorrectly and exact or precise is not at all what it means.  Let me give you an example.

Think of questions and responses.

"Who is there?"  It's just me.
"Where are you going on vacation?"  It's not that far -- just to the beach.
"What are you reading these days?"  It's a just a book I had on my shelf.
"How are you feeling?"  I am just so tired these days.


See how it minimizes the answer?  Just me....JUST me. It makes me sound less important than if I were to say:  It's me.  ME.  "Just to the beach".  JUST?  Are you kidding me?  The beach is the most awesome place in the world for a vacation (my personal opinion).  JUST -- no way.  "Just" doesn't even belong in the same sentence with the word beach!  "I am just so tired these days."  Just tired...minimizes how I feel.  It makes my feelings seem less important than someone else's.

See what I mean?

So I am on a quest to stop using the word "just".  I am on a quest to not minimize my feelings or thoughts.  I am trying to break the habit...of minimizing me.