The Surround

Saturday, October 21, 2017

3:42 PM

Today I witnessed a man surrounded by love.  There were loved ones at his head, by his side, and at his feet.  Within the warmth of those around him, he slipped from this life into the next.  There was no anger around him.  No guilt for words not said. There were no words of hurt or misunderstandings that hadn't been resolved.  There were warm memories.  There was love.  There was so much love you could feel it -- almost palpate it with your hands.  You could certainly see it in the eyes of those in The Surround.

Live life.  Live life so that you have people who surround you while you are full of life.  Live life so that there are no regrets, no words left unsaid, no anger or hurt or misunderstandings left unresolved.  Now is the time for that type of healing.  Now is the time to seize each moment with those in your tribe who will surround you some day when your time in this life is at its end.   Invite into your circle those people who will love you, hold you, challenge you, laugh with you, be with you, sing with you, walk with you, sit with you, and dance with you even though you might not dance well.    Embrace your Surround while you are able.  Be kind and gracious and loving.  Agree to disagree and love them anyway.  Get together while your dishes are undone, and your floors are unswept, and your projects are undone, and there is only PB&J in the cupboard. 

Love them.

Embrace them.

Look them in the eye and tell them how much you care and admire them and appreciate them for walking this path with you called Life.

While you have time.  While you have breath.  While you can open your eyes on this beautiful earth.  LOVE.

-in memoriam of my friend, Jim D. Pulliam

Help! I'm stuck!

All right.  You might not know this about me, but I tend to get stuck.

After living on the farm these past two years, I think I have now found every soft spot and underground spring -- and sometimes obvious marshy places -- on the farm.  And I have a propensity to get the tractor stuck as I am mowing.

I love to mow.  I have no idea why -- but I love mowing.  Hop on the tractor, rev up the engine, turn on the blades, and mindlessly go back and forth over grass that is higher than the "acceptable length" in my eyes and create the most wonderful fragrance in the outdoor world:  fresh cut grass.

Okay....as you are groaning and I am smiling, let me get to the point of my thoughts before you run out to the garage and try to start up your mower in February.

I also love to organize.  One of my winter projects was to clean out files in my file drawers.  I only have two -- so it shouldn't be a hard task, right?  I got together all my tools -- trash bag, new file folders, and organizing tabs and clips and brought out the first huge file of paper and stopped.

Viewing the contents of the file brought back old feelings, situations, and in my mind's eye, I was right back in the old place of my journey that this paper represented.  Let me tell you this:  I got stuck. 

As I was reflecting and reading the file the questions begin to roll:  To toss or not to toss?  THAT is the question!

If I hold onto something that doesn't bring joy, what good does it do me?  What good does it do my spirit and my psyche in this new part of my journey?  Let me tell you -- deciding whether or not to toss those memories was extremely hard!  I had things dating all the way back to foreverland in that file drawer!  All kinds of questions zipped through my brain.  Did tossing the negative things stored in that drawer mean they never happened?  If I kept only the good things and I died and someone else had to go through the drawer would they think I lived a "charmed" life and not get a realistic picture of my struggles?  (Yes, that was one of the things I really thought.)  What would my life look like without certain memories in that drawer? 

As hard as I could, I tried to equate cleaning out the drawer to mowing...and not getting stuck.  I didn't want to get stuck in the bad memories or things that represented mistakes or errors in my journey.  And I realized that if I learned my lesson well, I didn't need to keep a reminder of that time.  The lesson was learned.  I needed to move on and not focus back there on that time I got stuck in the spring that I KNEW was there because I had gotten stuck the last time I rounded that area of the fence line.  I just needed to remember that the underground spring was there -- and avoid getting stuck by rehashing the last time I got stuck.   I needed to recognize when the front wheels started getting wet and stop - and back up -- and go around that area.  Lesson learned.  No need to sink in that hole again. 

Did I need files of memories to not get stuck again?  Nah. 

Realizing that I could avoid getting stuck in that same old thought process, same actions, same rehashing of old times that didn't extend grace to myself or someone else was not helping me in my footing on THIS hill I am climbing; on THIS part of my journey.   So I finally did what I needed to do and cleaned it out.

I left room for new memories -- new files -- good and bad because the cleaning process is usually not a once and done project for me.  I am always finding things I should have "thrown out" but wasn't quite ready.  Now I am ready.  Ready to see the deep grooves in the mud and not go there anymore.  Ready to recognize the rut in my thinking and speech and actions.

Ready to mow, anyone?

"Raindrops keep falling on my head"......

It's raining today.  

Some days I feel like walking in the rain.  Walking in the rain can be like taking a look back at all that you have learned.  

This morning, I read through my blogs of the past three years and that's exactly what it felt like -- a walk in the rain, carrying no umbrella with raindrops "falling on my head".

My blog post on Humanness especially made me stop and ponder this morning.  This time it brought out a lesson is in a different context.  

At that time when I wrote on humanness, I was focusing on accepting my OWN humanness.  Being okay with myself as I walk along this bumpy, rocky, and sometimes hilly journey we call life.  Being okay with the fact that sometimes I don't walk "well".  Being okay with the fact that I stumble, choose the wrong footing, fall, and have to struggle to get back up again.  Being okay with the fact that I am not perfect.  It was about accepting myself and realizing that being human doesn't make me a bad person.  It helps me to accept myself as I learn and grow and make mistakes.  Accept MYSELF.

Today, as I was reading those words and walking in "the rain" of my thoughts, more realizations started forming, but this time it wasn't about my humanness.  It was about the humanness and acceptance of OTHERS.

Others = The people I love -- the ones in my tribe, my circle of acquaintances, and my family are all HUMAN!

In being human they are like me.  They stumble, and fall, and struggle, and choose words and actions unwisely, offend, and get stuck....just like me. 

They want to be accepted by their circle....just like me.

They want to be heard and loved....just like me.

They want to feel the sun on their face and feel free and at peace....just like me.

At times they might not be willing or ready to let certain things go yet....just like me.

They might need a friend to walk with....just like me.

Accepting those humans around me is just as important as accepting myself.  In fact, I found it to be harder because for some reason at times it is my nature to hold them to higher standards than I do myself.  For some reason, it's easy to believe that those humans around me should learn their lessons faster, be kinder,  struggle less, believe in themselves more, and  be this perfectly perfect person.... unlike me.  

Why should I believe that their journey of humanness is so different than mine?

It is wrong of me to think so, and when I can see my humans -- ALL humans with that frame of mind, then I believe it starts to set me free.  My spirit and mind become more open, and I start to feel more at peace within myself.  It's like giving them a "Get out of jail free" card from the Monopoly game I played long ago.  In my spirit and thoughts I extend grace to them as they live in their humanness. 

Extending grace and accepting people, however, doesn't mean the logical consequences of actions and words (positive or negative) go away.  

What it does mean is that my frame of mind in reference to them is different. 

It mean that at times it is easier to set down the "victim" hat and move forward in my own humanness.  It means that the old anxiety and strife when I think of a human that has wronged me doesn't bubble up as often...or to the same extent.  

It means that in my mind I can be healthy -- even if they are not.

To be or not to be...a snake.

Okay,  literally I am shocked to admit this  -- I have come to the conclusion I'd rather be a snake than a butterfly.  Let me tell you why.

I liken my personal journey as a growth process.   I have so much to learn not only about me, but about those around me and how I am in relationship to them.  I learn something new daily and am trying very hard to put into practice what I am learning.  I love learning about all kinds of things, but this learning curve at times has been so steep I have needed ice climbing cleats!  I look at it as a never-ending process for I will never learn everything and that's okay.  The point is, I enjoy the process of learning.  I enjoy the "aha" moment and the understanding it brings to my awareness.  Learning makes me feel alive.  Boredom doesn't exist on my path.

Anyway, back to the snake and the butterfly.  Paul and I have visited the Butterfly room in the Houston Museum of Science (VERY cool and worthwhile if you are ever in the area) a few times now.  You walk into the room and there are butterflies flitting everywhere!  There are all colors, shapes and kinds of butterflies all over the room -- swooping, resting, flitting, teasing.  It is a wonderful place and you can sit in there for hours on end just watching them fly all around.  You see chrysalises  hanging from leaves and know that more are on their way into the world.  It's a beautiful, fun place to be.

Two weeks ago I was weeding my flower beds and was surprised by a garden snake slithering in the grass next to me.  I jumped up and said -- "Well, hello there -- you just stay on your side and I'll stay on mine." -- to which he curled up under the rose bush and did promptly that.  I kept on weeding -- keeping my eye on him.  Also that week I had found a couple baby snakes in the basement.  (Yikes!)  Now they were smaller than the big snake, but I am a firm believer that all snakes belong outside, not inside the house.  I quickly call out to one of my snake charmers (Paul, Isaac, or Joel) who come to my rescue by picking up the snake and throwing it outside.  (Phew!) 

Being an outdoorsy kind of gal I have come across my share of snake skins.  They always freak me out a little bit, but I understand that the snake just doesn't fit in its coat anymore and must shed it if it's to keep growing.

On the other hand, the butterfly does almost the same thing by coming out of its chrysalis but with one difference.  The butterfly gets one shot at growth, lives for about two weeks and then dies.  The snake, however, keeps shedding when it grows and lives on to keep on growing.

My friends, I don't want a one shot chance at growth no matter how beautiful the change might make me.  I want to be like the snake who sheds the old dead habits and leaves them behind only to keep on growing and learning and shedding.

So, what would you rather be like? 

Out of focus?

I love the picture above.  Let me tell you why.  I think the pond on our farm is one of the most relaxing places to hang out.  You hear the breeze blow through the pines, the birds dive around the water looking for bugs and food -- and you occasionally hear the fish plop back into the water as they make a break for the sunshine.   There are no chores at the pond (Okay-- I take that back.  The dock could use a good sanding) that cannot be overlooked for the moments that you spend there. 

The main reason I love the picture though is not just because of its restful setting.  The main reason I love this photo because of how the photo is focused on the foreground.  The photo reminds me -- sometimes the scope of my thinking and perspective is all about what I focus on.

I must admit, lately I've been in a dry spell that has zapped my creative thinking.  Sometimes the ADL's (activities of daily living) of life overwhelm the creative energy that one can have.  It's spring at the farm -- which means there is grass and pastures to be mowed, gardens to plant, weed and tend, and flower beds to cultivate and mulch added to the normal activities of horse stall cleaning, grooming, groundwork and riding, pigeon breeding season and loft management as well as household chores, parenting and feeding my flock.  :)    I am not complaining about any of those activities I just listed for I love each one  (really, I truly don't mind the mowing or stall cleaning) -- it's just that my full life just gets a bit fuller when the weather is beautiful and there is much to be done outside.  I love being outside.

The dry spell surfaces when I don't take the time to be still with my own thoughts, a piece of paper and pencil.  The dry spell comes when my focus is on all the doing and the focus is clear and sharp in that area.   The dry spell stays when I forget that I have the power to zoom in -- or out.  My days add up to the choices I make each day and when I forget to make the choice to focus on creativity -- that is when the creative oasis seems far away.

I once heard the idea that "Good things keep you from the greatest thing."  I have come to tweak and expand that quote a bit -- for my own healthy living.  I say, "Good things can keep you from excellent things." 

None of those things in my list of ADL's are bad.  In fact, they are all good things.  They help out the family and bring me joy in doing them.  However, when I do good things -- and leave no room for expansion -- those good things can keep me from perhaps what might become excellent.  The focus that is now on the foreground -- might be missing something wonderful in the background.

I know if you've read my blog at all in the past two years you find that I think a lot about focus and perspective.  I am growing in that area as I journey along life's path.  I think our perspectives and what we choose to focus on lends us power.  Not power over people -- but power over our lives.  We see choices that we might never have seen before -- or see the ability to make decisions that we never thought we could make.   When I realize there are choices in my journey, it makes me feel liberated and opens up paths I might never have noticed.

The beauty of focus. 

Now do you see why I like the photo?

I can see clearly now....

Today I had my eyes dilated.  

One thing you probably don't know about me is that when I was a toddler I had an eye injury that almost took my sight in my right eye.  Every eye doctor who has looked in my eye since that time has said the same thing, "WOW!  Look at that!  What happened to you?  THAT'S AMAZING -- you are one lucky girl that you can even see anything out of that eye."  They go on and on as they look at the scars and pigment floating inside my eye and the jagged scar across the outer lens of my eye.  Today was no different.

You see, I have vision in both eyes -- not good vision, but I am able to see.  I am GRATEFUL for corrective lenses for without them my world would be one big blur.  When things are blurry and out of focus constantly you end up second guessing yourself, your judgment, your thoughts -- basically everything around you.  Your depth perception is non-existent -- field of vision -- peripheral vision -- nothing is clear.  Your world turns gray and dark as you try to feel your way around -- counting steps -- choosing the familiar.

Today as I stepped out of the ophthalmologist's office all I could think was WOW!  It's a bright, bright world out here! I had to head back into the building to find my sunglasses in my bag, put them on and then head out once again into the brightness of the day.  The thing is today is actually a very cloudy day.  No sunshine, no shadows -- just heavy cloud cover. Most people would say it's a gray overcast day -- yuck.  I might even have said that -- as I went into the office.  Coming out of the office, however, my mindset had completely changed.

Isn't that funny how a single event can change your perspective?  

Maybe you had three choices -- and now only two -- and what was less in your perspective just became more.  Maybe you were almost run over -- and your perspective on life shifted so that you are thankful for living one more day.  Maybe what used to be important -- just faded into the background as you are choosing to live in this moment -- not past moments.  

I know I have spoken a lot about perspective.  That's because mine is changing.  I hope you will bear with me while I share.

There is so much in one's life that can change in an instant.  We tend to gravitate towards those "events" in our lives:  the close calls; the missed calls; the opportunities not taken.  We focus on what could have been rather than what IS.  Today, I want to choose to be grateful for what IS.  Not only do I choose to be grateful for what IS --but WHO is.

I am grateful for those who choose to be present with me.  I am grateful for those who choose to show me that they love me and work to include me in their circle of influence.  I am grateful for those people who respond to my friendship, laugh with me, and spend time with me.  Being grateful for those around me helps keep my focus outward, but I am also learning to be grateful for me.  

Me.  

My thoughts, my feelings, my weirdness.  Me.

Some people would call that narcissism.  Some would call it selfishness.

Others call it self-love.  Positive self-esteem.  Positive regard for oneself.

See, I'm learning to regard myself as someone who counts.  Someone who has worth.  Someone who has value and who might not be like E.F. Hutton, but who might have a nugget here and there to share.  I am learning that there is nothing wrong with thinking such things or saying such things because I still know where I came from and who my Maker is.  Trust me -- learning positive self-talk is not an easy thing for me.  I struggle with self-love.  It's much easier to love others than myself.

I think I need to remember to look at myself through dilated pupils every day.  I need to remember those close calls, but not stop there.  I need to let them open a world of not only what IS, but WHO IS.

A Unique Perspective

I think about relationships a lot.  We humans are complex beings!  We desire to be loved and be in communion with others and yet at times it seems like there is nothing more challenging than being in relationship with someone else.

I am learning that as I am in relationship with someone else (any type of relationship) no matter how close I get to them, how  much I know them,  how much time I spend with them or how much I want to change their perspective the fact remains that their reality is not my reality.  They come into our connection with their own perceptions, history, thoughts and emotions which leads them to perceive differently than me.

This is a hard lesson to learn because often I think that being loved and accepted equates the need to agree with me and see things from my perspective.   I am learning that there is no sweeter love than to be in relationship with someone and to not have to agree or see things from the same vantage point.

Why is it that I equate love with agreement?  Why do I often feel that if someone doesn't agree with me that they don't like me?  At times, why have I at times put up walls around me shutting out those that don't agree with me?  Do I make others feel unloved when I don't agree with them?  These are hard questions that have been swirling around in my mind.

I hope that I convey an air of wanting to understand as different viewpoints are shared.  I hope that the basic love I have for another human comes shining through as I listen.  I hope that I validate what they are saying and aim for understanding their perspective.  I also hope that I am able to convey my thoughts without excuse or persuasion.

There is a vulnerability and intimacy in relationships where thoughts, feelings and logic can be shared openly while coexisting with an underlying foundation of seeking to understand.  It's amazing to me the freedom that comes with a place of feeling totally loved and accepted, yet not agreed with.  One feels as though they are accepted for who they are and there is a freedom to be who you are without masks or cover-ups.  In life there is usually more than one perspective and recognizing that truth helps us to remember -- one perspective doesn't have to be right and the other wrong.

Acceptance does not mean agreement.  In this instance, acceptance does mean that you can be in the same room with someone , engage in conversation with them, even hang out and do things with them and you don't have to support their viewpoint.  Acceptance means that you can love someone -- even LIKE  them and come from two different directions on an issue.

Mary Anne Radmacher in her book Live Boldly tells this story.   "When my friends Suze and Jonathan got married, I gave them an unusual gift - a pair of opera glasses outfitted with prisms instead of long-distance lenses.  I told them to use these glasses when they were having a disagreement.  Why?  Because a prism provides so many different images of a single view.  It is a literal reminder that while one thing may be the subject of the argument, there can be so many different ways of looking at it." (C 2008 by mary anne radmacher:  pg 21)

I love that tangible picture.  Now when someone disagrees with me, I am reminded to hold their perspective up to the prism -- and not feel threatened or afraid that my perspective is wrong.  It's just one way of thinking about it out of many.

Growing pains: thoughts on feelings

Whenever I think of the word "feelings"  my mind automatically goes to the first five words of the song "Feelings by Louis Gasté, 1973.  "Feelings, nothing more than feelings..."

WOW.  That's a blast from the past, isn't it? 

Embedded in my memory are those five words and the tune.  In my journey of late, this is the area I am concentrating on.  Let me admit to you -- this is hard work. 

Now, as you read this, you might think:  "You are a woman.  All you have are feelings and you are in tune with them being of the female gender."  I will admit.  I  have feelings, but I am not always in tune with them.  That's the problem.

Oftentimes it's hard to even put into words what I am feeling, so I have taken to carrying around a feelings chart I found online.   Words mean things to me -- and being able to identify what is passing through my mind and heart and spirit is meaningful to me -- and hard work.  In the past, I have buried my feelings until they have come up and out like a volcano (not always in a positive manner).  Now, on this leg of my journey, I am understanding that healing and moving forward means acknowledging what I am feeling and speaking it.   Good, bad, or ugly -- name it.  Don't judge it.  Name it.

Now this might sound kooky -- but  am beginning to practice naming things.  I look around and see things and name them.  Then I ask myself -- how does that thing, person, event -- whatever I named -- make me feel in this moment.  Not what it made me feel in the past.  Not what it might feel like tomorrow -- but right now.  The words I use go beyond your basic feeling words of sad, happy, angry -- and become more specific:  joyful, disappointed, loving, valuable, confused, and so on.

Blogging these very thoughts makes me feel vulnerable.

I believe that being able to name what I am feeling, not what I am thinking (which comes much easier for me), is part of my healing.  It is part of beginning to trust myself and others.  It is part of recognizing who I was created to be.  It is the foundation of being able to love in the agape way.  I want to grow in my relationships and in order to do that, the growth starts with me.

My therapist gave me homework.  I am to start thinking about and finish the following statement: 

"I feel _____________, when you _______________.  I need _______________." 

This is one of the hardest homework assignments I have ever done.  To not only have to NAME my feeling but to point out what brought that feeling on -- AND say aloud what I need (which is also extremely hard for me to voice) is exhausting.  It also is freeing.  It is teaching me I can acknowledge how I am feeling and what brought that feeling on  without laying blame -- and also frees me to say what I need in that moment.

I am experiencing growing pains.  This journey isn't all about smelling the roses.  Sometimes the path gets muddy and I have to get stuck in the mud and lose my shoes before moving forward out of the pit to more solid ground.

No longer and not yet

As a music teacher, part of my job is to teach rhythm.  For many students the notes come easy and the rhythm is hard.  For others, the rhythm comes naturally and learning the notes is a battle.   I love teaching rhythm.  I teach the student to verbalize the rhythm, clap it, tap it and play it.  It is easy to make games and make learning fun.  After awhile I let the students tap out the rhythms on their own, looking at a pattern of notation.  I find that one of the hardest things are for students to observe the rests in the pattern.

Silence is a powerful tool in music.  The space between sounds and notes can make one hungry for more.  It can make also make an impact leaving time for one to think about what has come before the rests.  Rests of any length create an energy, stopping the flow of sound.  Without the rests music would not stop from beginning to end.

I have learned a lot about myself in the past couple years.  I actually keep a list to review for a couple reasons:  one, because there has been much to absorb and two, it is hard to remember everything and keep it fresh.  Learning and integrating what I have learned takes reminders.  I have found not all lessons are learned the first time.  Not all characteristics are noted cognitively and internalized in one circumstance.  Not all emotions can be analyzed until the tide of emotion has gone out and thinking has taken place in a more peaceful moment.  Sometimes it takes repeated tries for a new skill or awareness to sink in.  Being human can be frustrating (spoken like  a closet perfectionist)!

One thing I have learned about myself is that I can be impatient much like some of my music students and not want to honor the space between no longer and not yet in my life.

So much can happen in that space.

Processing.  Peace.  Breathing.  Sleep.  Joy.  Being mindful.  Listening.  Forgiveness.  Acceptance.  Silence. 

If I get impatient or excited and want to move to the next thing, or shorten the period of rest to a shorter rest than what is deserved, then I miss the impact that the rest can have in me.  I not only will miss the impact, but might not learn the entire lesson I need to learn.  I am learning that a fermata (a hold) over the rest, the space that is between what was and what will be is something that doesn't stop the growth in my life, but accelerates how cognizant I become of what I am learning.  Resting allows me to be mindful of the lesson and gives me the time to integrate what I am learning.  It forces to me wait on my myself or others and not move on to the new thought, the new habit, the new issue that needs to be addressed.

Some people call this place the waiting room.  Some people call this a plateau.  Some call it a rest.  I call it the place between what was and what is yet to be.  Regardless of what you call it...the value of honoring that space is undeniable.

"Living the Dream"

In my work as a SSA hearing reporter, I sometimes travel to remote hearing sites.  At those hearing sites, the applicant (claimant) and sometimes the lawyer appear at the remote site and we video-conference with the administrative law judge and expert witness and hold their appeal hearing.

At remote sites, the protocol is a bit different in that I have my own guard.  There is always a security risk when you are alone in a room with a stranger who might or might not be adversarial, so the guard is to protect and watch and hopefully their presence will prevent something bad from happening.

Anyway, I tell you this to introduce my latest thoughts on living.  There is a certain guard who has a creative answer when someone asks him how he is doing.  He answers, "I am living the dream."  He smiles as he says it, making you believe all is wonderful in his world.

I have heard his response so many times that lately one question floods into my thoughts and I want to ask him:  Whose dream are you living?

That question leads to another question:  And is that dream a pleasant dream or a nightmare?

I have a plaque that I have placed in our home and I look at it every day.  It says, "Live the life you have imagined."

Those two phrases, "Living the dream" and "Live the life you have imagined" have been ruminating inside my head now for months.

I challenged myself in the last few years to think about my life.   I have been speaking to my therapist, analyzing thoughts and motives, responses and choices.  I share my inner thoughts with a few chosen friends.  I have looked  back as far as I remember as well as to everything in the present days and what fell  between.  I have brainstormed, delved deep inside my motives and heart and processed in journals in order to reflect.  

As I have reflected upon my past, I asked myself:  What was the life I imagined myself living way back when my Cousin Becca and I were playing "secretary" or "library" on those many afternoons of imaginative play?  (Okay, we won't go into how we wore leotards on our heads in order to have long flowing hair at the time; or how we used index cards and made up our own Dewey decimal  system for our "library".) 

However, that question led me to the next question:  What is the life I now dream of living?

Which led to the next question:  Am I living that life and if not, what is it going to take to begin?

Sometimes our childhood dreams, innocent and pure, get hijacked.  They get hijacked by the expectations of others, the fear that dwells inside us,  the "oughts, musts or shoulds" that have been self-imposed or imposed by others , or dreams are limited by the resources that are available in our young lives.  Sometimes we don't trust ourselves in order to put one foot in front of the other to begin living out the dream.  Sometimes we feel it's easier to live out someone else's dream.

Now as an adult with a few years under my sandals, I see how the effects of my past choices affect my choices in the here and now.  If I let them, unrealized or half-lived dreams can affect my new dream positively or negatively.  It depends on the power and focus that I give to them.  The present dream, the life I imagine, is how I am living the here and now.  There is freedom in realizing that I have the power not only to dream and to imagine, but to LIVE the dream in my head.  Yes, there will be outside influences and circumstances that affect my dream, but the person steering the sailboat is me.  I choose to put the sails up or take them down, when to jibe and when to float along in the sea of life.   It's taken me a long time to realize that I am responsible for whose dream I am living.   I am responsible for making that dream a positive one or a living nightmare.  I am the creator and "imaginator" of the dream.  It's up to me to do the hard work not only to choose, but to live the dream I imagined.

MY CONFESSION

Have you ever caught yourself in a habit?  Good or bad...it can be eye-opening when you have the ability for even a moment to stand back and view yourself as someone else would see you in that moment.

I discovered a habit I have in communication.  This habit occurs especially when I am talking about myself.  Now that I have discovered it...I have had to use the delete button multiple times and each time I am now asking myself - why did you phrase it that way?

Wanna know what it is?

I often use the word "just" as a clarifier.  I mean OFTEN.  VERY OFTEN.

You might think...GASP...what in the world?  Oh no!  That is awful!  (In writing these past couple paragraphs, I have typed the word "just" at least three different times and had to erase it.)  Or you might be thinking...that Deb Anderson....she is NUTSO!  Why in the world does it make a difference what clarifier she uses or that she uses one at all?

I have realized something, though, in using the word "just".  I have chosen to use the word in the wrong way.  I use it in a way that minimizes my thought or feeling which translates to minimizing myself.  Looking at the definition...when used as adverb it means exact or precisely.  I find I use it incorrectly and exact or precise is not at all what it means.  Let me give you an example.

Think of questions and responses.

"Who is there?"  It's just me.
"Where are you going on vacation?"  It's not that far -- just to the beach.
"What are you reading these days?"  It's a just a book I had on my shelf.
"How are you feeling?"  I am just so tired these days.


See how it minimizes the answer?  Just me....JUST me. It makes me sound less important than if I were to say:  It's me.  ME.  "Just to the beach".  JUST?  Are you kidding me?  The beach is the most awesome place in the world for a vacation (my personal opinion).  JUST -- no way.  "Just" doesn't even belong in the same sentence with the word beach!  "I am just so tired these days."  Just tired...minimizes how I feel.  It makes my feelings seem less important than someone else's.

See what I mean?

So I am on a quest to stop using the word "just".  I am on a quest to not minimize my feelings or thoughts.  I am trying to break the habit...of minimizing me.