The Surround

Saturday, October 21, 2017

3:42 PM

Today I witnessed a man surrounded by love.  There were loved ones at his head, by his side, and at his feet.  Within the warmth of those around him, he slipped from this life into the next.  There was no anger around him.  No guilt for words not said. There were no words of hurt or misunderstandings that hadn't been resolved.  There were warm memories.  There was love.  There was so much love you could feel it -- almost palpate it with your hands.  You could certainly see it in the eyes of those in The Surround.

Live life.  Live life so that you have people who surround you while you are full of life.  Live life so that there are no regrets, no words left unsaid, no anger or hurt or misunderstandings left unresolved.  Now is the time for that type of healing.  Now is the time to seize each moment with those in your tribe who will surround you some day when your time in this life is at its end.   Invite into your circle those people who will love you, hold you, challenge you, laugh with you, be with you, sing with you, walk with you, sit with you, and dance with you even though you might not dance well.    Embrace your Surround while you are able.  Be kind and gracious and loving.  Agree to disagree and love them anyway.  Get together while your dishes are undone, and your floors are unswept, and your projects are undone, and there is only PB&J in the cupboard. 

Love them.

Embrace them.

Look them in the eye and tell them how much you care and admire them and appreciate them for walking this path with you called Life.

While you have time.  While you have breath.  While you can open your eyes on this beautiful earth.  LOVE.

-in memoriam of my friend, Jim D. Pulliam

Help! I'm stuck!

All right.  You might not know this about me, but I tend to get stuck.

After living on the farm these past two years, I think I have now found every soft spot and underground spring -- and sometimes obvious marshy places -- on the farm.  And I have a propensity to get the tractor stuck as I am mowing.

I love to mow.  I have no idea why -- but I love mowing.  Hop on the tractor, rev up the engine, turn on the blades, and mindlessly go back and forth over grass that is higher than the "acceptable length" in my eyes and create the most wonderful fragrance in the outdoor world:  fresh cut grass.

Okay....as you are groaning and I am smiling, let me get to the point of my thoughts before you run out to the garage and try to start up your mower in February.

I also love to organize.  One of my winter projects was to clean out files in my file drawers.  I only have two -- so it shouldn't be a hard task, right?  I got together all my tools -- trash bag, new file folders, and organizing tabs and clips and brought out the first huge file of paper and stopped.

Viewing the contents of the file brought back old feelings, situations, and in my mind's eye, I was right back in the old place of my journey that this paper represented.  Let me tell you this:  I got stuck. 

As I was reflecting and reading the file the questions begin to roll:  To toss or not to toss?  THAT is the question!

If I hold onto something that doesn't bring joy, what good does it do me?  What good does it do my spirit and my psyche in this new part of my journey?  Let me tell you -- deciding whether or not to toss those memories was extremely hard!  I had things dating all the way back to foreverland in that file drawer!  All kinds of questions zipped through my brain.  Did tossing the negative things stored in that drawer mean they never happened?  If I kept only the good things and I died and someone else had to go through the drawer would they think I lived a "charmed" life and not get a realistic picture of my struggles?  (Yes, that was one of the things I really thought.)  What would my life look like without certain memories in that drawer? 

As hard as I could, I tried to equate cleaning out the drawer to mowing...and not getting stuck.  I didn't want to get stuck in the bad memories or things that represented mistakes or errors in my journey.  And I realized that if I learned my lesson well, I didn't need to keep a reminder of that time.  The lesson was learned.  I needed to move on and not focus back there on that time I got stuck in the spring that I KNEW was there because I had gotten stuck the last time I rounded that area of the fence line.  I just needed to remember that the underground spring was there -- and avoid getting stuck by rehashing the last time I got stuck.   I needed to recognize when the front wheels started getting wet and stop - and back up -- and go around that area.  Lesson learned.  No need to sink in that hole again. 

Did I need files of memories to not get stuck again?  Nah. 

Realizing that I could avoid getting stuck in that same old thought process, same actions, same rehashing of old times that didn't extend grace to myself or someone else was not helping me in my footing on THIS hill I am climbing; on THIS part of my journey.   So I finally did what I needed to do and cleaned it out.

I left room for new memories -- new files -- good and bad because the cleaning process is usually not a once and done project for me.  I am always finding things I should have "thrown out" but wasn't quite ready.  Now I am ready.  Ready to see the deep grooves in the mud and not go there anymore.  Ready to recognize the rut in my thinking and speech and actions.

Ready to mow, anyone?

Are you sure you want to go there?

I've always loved horses.  My aunt and uncle who lived next door to me as a child had a paint pony named "Apache".  He was fat and sassy and I loved going to visit him in the pasture.  My cousin Jodi had a horse -- a beautiful quarter horse -- and between those two horses  -- my dream of owning my own horse thrived.  After seeing the film Black Beauty as a kid, all I wanted to do was ride bareback down the beach on a horse -- playing -- enjoying the partnership.  I imagined it would be like flying.  Those dreams didn't die the older I got.

On the drive home from our honeymoon in New England two years ago, Paul and I excitedly started horse shopping.  By the time we reached home -- we had bought Ryker.  Two months later we added Casanova to our small herd -- and thus my dream of becoming a horse owner came true.   Thank you, Paul!!!

Since then, my horses are teaching me a lot about communication.

Horses are smart creatures that don’t usually talk back.   They listen -- and if you give them clear instructions and they understand what is expected of them -- they usually comply. 

Now, there are circumstances where they might not comply immediately -- as in they get distracted or are in pain -- but generally they will do what you ask.  The key is -- you must speak the same language.

I have found that the romantic idea of hopping on a horse and riding off into the sunset is not a true picture of horse ownership.  It takes time to learn the language -- for them to understand and for you to be clear.

So, I am learning to be clear in my communication.  I am learning to make sure my hands are giving the same signal as my leg.  I am learning that my mood sends signals -- just like facial expressions and body language does to my human partner.  If the signals are mixed -- my leg says go and my hands say stop -- it's no wonder the horse is confused and sends signals to me saying, "Hey, get your act together.  What is it that you really want?"

Consistency is key to successfully understanding one another.

As I think about my communication skills with the humans that I love, knowing what I am learning from my horses, I must ask myself questions in regards to how I communicate with them.   Am I sending a clear message of my wants and needs or am I expecting them to read my mind?  Am I expecting them to remember what I really want -- and am I patient with remind them if they forget?  Am I listening to them -- to make sure we are understanding one another?  Am I listening for their signals?  Do I acknowledge that they might be distracted because of pain of some sort or other stimuli? Am I listening to their needs and feelings?  Am I working hard at this every day or am I expecting them to do all the work?

Communication -- clear, patient communication leads to understanding.  Understanding leads to feeling connected.  Feeling connected leads to feelings of intimacy which fosters an environment where love can deepen and grow. 

Yes, that’s where I want to go.

There she goes...

A few minutes ago our college girl left for the second semester of her freshman year.

I miss her already.

It's funny how time seems to pass quickly when you are in the throes of moments  in your life you want to last and last.  Those moments where you are eking out every second -- because  you know it will never be captured again….until the next time...which will be different.  This moment is the only time you will have this moment. 

I think back to when I was a kid.  I grew up in the rolling hills of the State of Ohio.   It was the perfect place to spend hours outdoors.  There was much to do outside...trails to hike, streams to walk in, hills to bike, trees to climb and everything else that living in the country has to offer.  One of my summer time memories is of catching fireflies in the evening and putting them in a jar.  I would carefully poke holes in a jar lid so as to let them breathe after I had caught them.  They would rise up out of the ground by the thousands -- and it was a wonderful sight to see them glowing as they lit up the night.  After catching enough to make the jar glow bright, I would take the lid off the jar and set it on the ground and let them escape at their own pace.  Sometimes they immediately flew out and away.  Other times, I would come back to my jar in the morning and there would still be one or two left inside.

This past month  I got to see Moriah's bright light glow as she was home on break.  I loved seeing her every day -- even when she came home from work exhausted.  I loved having her at the dinner table with her brothers and listening to them tease and joke and share.  I loved watching them interact, seeing the hugs they would share and witness their teamwork in the kitchen.  I loved watching Christmas Hallmark movies with her as she painted her nails.  I loved hearing her stories from her workplace and talking about the next semester and what was in store.  The house was brighter with her light adding to the mix.

Today, as Moriah was driving down the lane, I felt much like I did as I released the fireflies.  I loved the glow of the fireflies and enjoyed their presence.  Yet, I knew I had to release them.  I knew that I had to share their glow with the rest of the world or else they soon would lose their light.

Go shine in your world, my daughter.  Your light is very, very bright.

Endings: Don't Abort! Don't Abort!

My family finished up a wonderful week at our favorite vacation spot.  Our time was near perfect to our expectations and we enjoyed every minute of being together - with the exception of the 14 hour travel time from home to our hideaway.  As we neared the end of our time away I noticed things:  none of us wanted the time to end.

Some of us got cranky and some became sad.  Some got anxious and started packing early.  Some procrastinated packing until the very last second perhaps thinking that if they put it off it might never need to happen and we could stay indefinitely.

I found that as we visited the local souvenir shop that other people seemed to have the same thought.  They were searching for that perfect token to trigger memories of the time they wanted to remember and wished would never end.

I have found that endings are often viewed as negative events.  Think of the endings you have experienced in your lifetime.  Even as a young child we experienced endings (positive or negative):  the end of crawling around when we started walking as our mode of transportation; school years ticking by; friendships change as re-locations happen; we finish great books or TV series that we have enjoyed; our first job ends; a deadline on a project ends; vacations come and go and time moves on as life offers more choices to begin new things, tasks, projects, experiences, and relationships.

Think about this thought:  "No one knew better than a gardener that life never stayed static.  Cycles were necessary, for without them there was no bloom." - Nora Roberts, In the Garden Trilogy.

I like this thought:  if not for the life cycle of each project, issue, relationship...we would not experience vibrant color and sweet fragrance that each brings to our lives.  We would miss those sweet blooms of taking vacations with family, the fragrance of life as we watch our children grow and experience life on their own, the vibrant eye-catching color of passion and romance in relationships, the showy palette of a project completed and accomplishment experienced as shade on our journey.

Endings don't have to be viewed as negative.  Within the perspective that something better is in the next bloom cycle, one can enjoy the current aesthetics of current bloom cycle and look forward to the next season at the same time.

The Waiting Room

I have discovered that I am an impatient person.  I think it goes hand in hand with that Control Freak problem I spoke of last week.  Sometimes I don't want to wait.  I want what I want when I want it and why should I have to wait???

Breathe.  Out.   In.  Slowly. 

So much of my life has been about waiting.  I don't get what I want (and sometimes I thank God that I don't) or in the time frame that I want it in or the way that I want it.  Contrary to the popular belief of our children -- adults don't always get what they want!

 If I have learned nothing else in the past four years it has been that there is great value in waiting patiently.  There is value in taking a step back and breathing in and out and noticing how deep my breath is.  There is value in taking time and not rushing ahead with my first response and action to a situation.   There is value in waiting and seeing how things play out - whatever that might look like.   There is value in holding my tongue and being still and listening first.

I love directing things -- the choir comes to mind here.  I love getting everyone on the same page musically and pulling the same dynamics and musicality out of them so that they are headed in the right direction.  Directing a choir is one of my greatest joys after the hard work of learning the music is done.  I watch the singers and inspire with my eyes and hands and movements while keeping time.  Pulling more from my singers than they ever expected of themselves is one of my greatest joys. 

But alas, in the waiting room I can't direct, orchestrate, push, prod or control.  I have found I must use patience.

Does that mean life stops while I am waiting for the "next thing"?  No, a good coping strategy is to continue to live life.  Move forward....step by step...moment by moment...day by day...but don't look too far ahead or live in "what if land".  When I do this I find that there is growth in the waiting room.  I develop a tolerance for the silence and the slower pace in the waiting.   I find that there can be peace in the waiting if I don't try to direct or control or orchestrate or push or prod the timeline.

I am also finding that the waiting room requires more.  More sleep than usual.  More "me" time than usual.  More slow walks - not for exercise but for reflecting, breathing, thinking, clearing my thoughts and worries.  A different kind of music to be played.  It requires a bit more ice cream, too.  :)  It requires a different type of kindness to myself which helps the stress of the waiting drain away - even at intervals or for a time.  It's not easy, but it's possible.