The Surround

Saturday, October 21, 2017

3:42 PM

Today I witnessed a man surrounded by love.  There were loved ones at his head, by his side, and at his feet.  Within the warmth of those around him, he slipped from this life into the next.  There was no anger around him.  No guilt for words not said. There were no words of hurt or misunderstandings that hadn't been resolved.  There were warm memories.  There was love.  There was so much love you could feel it -- almost palpate it with your hands.  You could certainly see it in the eyes of those in The Surround.

Live life.  Live life so that you have people who surround you while you are full of life.  Live life so that there are no regrets, no words left unsaid, no anger or hurt or misunderstandings left unresolved.  Now is the time for that type of healing.  Now is the time to seize each moment with those in your tribe who will surround you some day when your time in this life is at its end.   Invite into your circle those people who will love you, hold you, challenge you, laugh with you, be with you, sing with you, walk with you, sit with you, and dance with you even though you might not dance well.    Embrace your Surround while you are able.  Be kind and gracious and loving.  Agree to disagree and love them anyway.  Get together while your dishes are undone, and your floors are unswept, and your projects are undone, and there is only PB&J in the cupboard. 

Love them.

Embrace them.

Look them in the eye and tell them how much you care and admire them and appreciate them for walking this path with you called Life.

While you have time.  While you have breath.  While you can open your eyes on this beautiful earth.  LOVE.

-in memoriam of my friend, Jim D. Pulliam

"Raindrops keep falling on my head"......

It's raining today.  

Some days I feel like walking in the rain.  Walking in the rain can be like taking a look back at all that you have learned.  

This morning, I read through my blogs of the past three years and that's exactly what it felt like -- a walk in the rain, carrying no umbrella with raindrops "falling on my head".

My blog post on Humanness especially made me stop and ponder this morning.  This time it brought out a lesson is in a different context.  

At that time when I wrote on humanness, I was focusing on accepting my OWN humanness.  Being okay with myself as I walk along this bumpy, rocky, and sometimes hilly journey we call life.  Being okay with the fact that sometimes I don't walk "well".  Being okay with the fact that I stumble, choose the wrong footing, fall, and have to struggle to get back up again.  Being okay with the fact that I am not perfect.  It was about accepting myself and realizing that being human doesn't make me a bad person.  It helps me to accept myself as I learn and grow and make mistakes.  Accept MYSELF.

Today, as I was reading those words and walking in "the rain" of my thoughts, more realizations started forming, but this time it wasn't about my humanness.  It was about the humanness and acceptance of OTHERS.

Others = The people I love -- the ones in my tribe, my circle of acquaintances, and my family are all HUMAN!

In being human they are like me.  They stumble, and fall, and struggle, and choose words and actions unwisely, offend, and get stuck....just like me. 

They want to be accepted by their circle....just like me.

They want to be heard and loved....just like me.

They want to feel the sun on their face and feel free and at peace....just like me.

At times they might not be willing or ready to let certain things go yet....just like me.

They might need a friend to walk with....just like me.

Accepting those humans around me is just as important as accepting myself.  In fact, I found it to be harder because for some reason at times it is my nature to hold them to higher standards than I do myself.  For some reason, it's easy to believe that those humans around me should learn their lessons faster, be kinder,  struggle less, believe in themselves more, and  be this perfectly perfect person.... unlike me.  

Why should I believe that their journey of humanness is so different than mine?

It is wrong of me to think so, and when I can see my humans -- ALL humans with that frame of mind, then I believe it starts to set me free.  My spirit and mind become more open, and I start to feel more at peace within myself.  It's like giving them a "Get out of jail free" card from the Monopoly game I played long ago.  In my spirit and thoughts I extend grace to them as they live in their humanness. 

Extending grace and accepting people, however, doesn't mean the logical consequences of actions and words (positive or negative) go away.  

What it does mean is that my frame of mind in reference to them is different. 

It mean that at times it is easier to set down the "victim" hat and move forward in my own humanness.  It means that the old anxiety and strife when I think of a human that has wronged me doesn't bubble up as often...or to the same extent.  

It means that in my mind I can be healthy -- even if they are not.

Are you sure you want to go there?

I've always loved horses.  My aunt and uncle who lived next door to me as a child had a paint pony named "Apache".  He was fat and sassy and I loved going to visit him in the pasture.  My cousin Jodi had a horse -- a beautiful quarter horse -- and between those two horses  -- my dream of owning my own horse thrived.  After seeing the film Black Beauty as a kid, all I wanted to do was ride bareback down the beach on a horse -- playing -- enjoying the partnership.  I imagined it would be like flying.  Those dreams didn't die the older I got.

On the drive home from our honeymoon in New England two years ago, Paul and I excitedly started horse shopping.  By the time we reached home -- we had bought Ryker.  Two months later we added Casanova to our small herd -- and thus my dream of becoming a horse owner came true.   Thank you, Paul!!!

Since then, my horses are teaching me a lot about communication.

Horses are smart creatures that don’t usually talk back.   They listen -- and if you give them clear instructions and they understand what is expected of them -- they usually comply. 

Now, there are circumstances where they might not comply immediately -- as in they get distracted or are in pain -- but generally they will do what you ask.  The key is -- you must speak the same language.

I have found that the romantic idea of hopping on a horse and riding off into the sunset is not a true picture of horse ownership.  It takes time to learn the language -- for them to understand and for you to be clear.

So, I am learning to be clear in my communication.  I am learning to make sure my hands are giving the same signal as my leg.  I am learning that my mood sends signals -- just like facial expressions and body language does to my human partner.  If the signals are mixed -- my leg says go and my hands say stop -- it's no wonder the horse is confused and sends signals to me saying, "Hey, get your act together.  What is it that you really want?"

Consistency is key to successfully understanding one another.

As I think about my communication skills with the humans that I love, knowing what I am learning from my horses, I must ask myself questions in regards to how I communicate with them.   Am I sending a clear message of my wants and needs or am I expecting them to read my mind?  Am I expecting them to remember what I really want -- and am I patient with remind them if they forget?  Am I listening to them -- to make sure we are understanding one another?  Am I listening for their signals?  Do I acknowledge that they might be distracted because of pain of some sort or other stimuli? Am I listening to their needs and feelings?  Am I working hard at this every day or am I expecting them to do all the work?

Communication -- clear, patient communication leads to understanding.  Understanding leads to feeling connected.  Feeling connected leads to feelings of intimacy which fosters an environment where love can deepen and grow. 

Yes, that’s where I want to go.

Unwillingness

I remember the days of Junior High Science class taught by Mr. Fry.  Now, in my expert middle school mind Mr. Fry was not hip in the 80's.  If I remember correctly, he wore plaid pants from the 70's and white shirts every day.  He carried pens in his front shirt pocket.  He was not the handsomest of men.  He had a funny way of walking/hopping/striding about the front of the room when teaching.  His voice was shrill and I wouldn't call him a gentle spirit.   However unusual Mr. Fry was  as a human being in my perception, Mr. Fry changed the path of my life.  I am forever grateful to him.

I was a pretty good student...mostly A's and B's...usually A's back in the day...until Junior High Science class.  For some reason, I went into a slump and was not excelling.  I was interested in music and boys and exciting classes like Enrichment Class where I got to study and research things I was interested in such as horses (always a love in my life).  Science, to me at the time, had no connection to what I was going to do or needed to learn.  Mr. Fry, as unusual as he was in his teaching style, didn't keep my attention and I became despondent in class not showing much effort.

At that time we were studying a unit on geology.  Now, I love nature.  I love being outside more than inside.  I love enjoying all that God created on this earth.  But rocks?  Come on.  What is interesting about rocks?  Mind you, these weren't gemstones.  They were your basic rocks you might find in your driveway or garden.  The test for the unit was coming fast and we were to recognize 50 different types of rocks by sight and know their class and name and specifications.  You might not know this about me, but I am horrible at memorizing things.  Even to this day, I struggle with that part of my mind.   Memorizing the material seemed like an impossible task and I wasn't trying as hard as I could have.

I was slumped in my seat, not really listening in class when Mr. Fry stopped beside me.  He looked at me and said, "Miss Hancock, you are your own worst enemy.  If you think you can't do something you will never be able to do it."  YIKES!  Singled out among my fellow students, called by name and I felt like my fortune was read!  I was humiliated and angry and slumped further in my seat, but that day a seed was planted.  The seed was...someone saw potential in me to succeed  and I didn't see it within myself.  I had given up on myself.  I had written my own path and had chosen the road of unwillingness.  Mr. Fry, for all intents and purposes became a catalyst to change.  Something within me was challenged to not give up when he singled me out and I wanted to prove him differently.

I searched for ways of memorizing those rocks.  I made index cards, lists and studied and to no avail...I could not remember more than 10-12 of the rocks.  I got the idea to put the rocks and their information to music.   The song I chose was "Over the Rainbow" from the Wizard of Oz (as it was very popular back then and I had taped it on my recorder and listened to it a million times).  The test came and the identification process started....rocks 1-50.  Amazingly...I got an A on that test....my original arrangement of the song afforded my brain the right language to memorize the facts.  I was stunned.  Mr. Fry was ecstatic and gave me the "I told you so" speech...this time celebrating my success in front of everyone. 

I learned something that day.  I learned a valuable life lesson.  I have the power within me to create my path but it takes a willingness.  Being willing is a choice.  It's not genetic.  It's not bred into us.  It is a choice we have when we are faced with things we don't want to learn or do or tackle in this life.  Willingness is a mindset that will afford us the opportunity to learn things we never thought we could.  Willingness is a mindset that affects my courage to try new things.  Willingness is a mindset that affects my entire life. 

Thanks, Mr. Fry.  I am deeply grateful for what you taught me that day.