Help! I'm stuck!

All right.  You might not know this about me, but I tend to get stuck.

After living on the farm these past two years, I think I have now found every soft spot and underground spring -- and sometimes obvious marshy places -- on the farm.  And I have a propensity to get the tractor stuck as I am mowing.

I love to mow.  I have no idea why -- but I love mowing.  Hop on the tractor, rev up the engine, turn on the blades, and mindlessly go back and forth over grass that is higher than the "acceptable length" in my eyes and create the most wonderful fragrance in the outdoor world:  fresh cut grass.

Okay....as you are groaning and I am smiling, let me get to the point of my thoughts before you run out to the garage and try to start up your mower in February.

I also love to organize.  One of my winter projects was to clean out files in my file drawers.  I only have two -- so it shouldn't be a hard task, right?  I got together all my tools -- trash bag, new file folders, and organizing tabs and clips and brought out the first huge file of paper and stopped.

Viewing the contents of the file brought back old feelings, situations, and in my mind's eye, I was right back in the old place of my journey that this paper represented.  Let me tell you this:  I got stuck. 

As I was reflecting and reading the file the questions begin to roll:  To toss or not to toss?  THAT is the question!

If I hold onto something that doesn't bring joy, what good does it do me?  What good does it do my spirit and my psyche in this new part of my journey?  Let me tell you -- deciding whether or not to toss those memories was extremely hard!  I had things dating all the way back to foreverland in that file drawer!  All kinds of questions zipped through my brain.  Did tossing the negative things stored in that drawer mean they never happened?  If I kept only the good things and I died and someone else had to go through the drawer would they think I lived a "charmed" life and not get a realistic picture of my struggles?  (Yes, that was one of the things I really thought.)  What would my life look like without certain memories in that drawer? 

As hard as I could, I tried to equate cleaning out the drawer to mowing...and not getting stuck.  I didn't want to get stuck in the bad memories or things that represented mistakes or errors in my journey.  And I realized that if I learned my lesson well, I didn't need to keep a reminder of that time.  The lesson was learned.  I needed to move on and not focus back there on that time I got stuck in the spring that I KNEW was there because I had gotten stuck the last time I rounded that area of the fence line.  I just needed to remember that the underground spring was there -- and avoid getting stuck by rehashing the last time I got stuck.   I needed to recognize when the front wheels started getting wet and stop - and back up -- and go around that area.  Lesson learned.  No need to sink in that hole again. 

Did I need files of memories to not get stuck again?  Nah. 

Realizing that I could avoid getting stuck in that same old thought process, same actions, same rehashing of old times that didn't extend grace to myself or someone else was not helping me in my footing on THIS hill I am climbing; on THIS part of my journey.   So I finally did what I needed to do and cleaned it out.

I left room for new memories -- new files -- good and bad because the cleaning process is usually not a once and done project for me.  I am always finding things I should have "thrown out" but wasn't quite ready.  Now I am ready.  Ready to see the deep grooves in the mud and not go there anymore.  Ready to recognize the rut in my thinking and speech and actions.

Ready to mow, anyone?

"Raindrops keep falling on my head"......

It's raining today.  

Some days I feel like walking in the rain.  Walking in the rain can be like taking a look back at all that you have learned.  

This morning, I read through my blogs of the past three years and that's exactly what it felt like -- a walk in the rain, carrying no umbrella with raindrops "falling on my head".

My blog post on Humanness especially made me stop and ponder this morning.  This time it brought out a lesson is in a different context.  

At that time when I wrote on humanness, I was focusing on accepting my OWN humanness.  Being okay with myself as I walk along this bumpy, rocky, and sometimes hilly journey we call life.  Being okay with the fact that sometimes I don't walk "well".  Being okay with the fact that I stumble, choose the wrong footing, fall, and have to struggle to get back up again.  Being okay with the fact that I am not perfect.  It was about accepting myself and realizing that being human doesn't make me a bad person.  It helps me to accept myself as I learn and grow and make mistakes.  Accept MYSELF.

Today, as I was reading those words and walking in "the rain" of my thoughts, more realizations started forming, but this time it wasn't about my humanness.  It was about the humanness and acceptance of OTHERS.

Others = The people I love -- the ones in my tribe, my circle of acquaintances, and my family are all HUMAN!

In being human they are like me.  They stumble, and fall, and struggle, and choose words and actions unwisely, offend, and get stuck....just like me. 

They want to be accepted by their circle....just like me.

They want to be heard and loved....just like me.

They want to feel the sun on their face and feel free and at peace....just like me.

At times they might not be willing or ready to let certain things go yet....just like me.

They might need a friend to walk with....just like me.

Accepting those humans around me is just as important as accepting myself.  In fact, I found it to be harder because for some reason at times it is my nature to hold them to higher standards than I do myself.  For some reason, it's easy to believe that those humans around me should learn their lessons faster, be kinder,  struggle less, believe in themselves more, and  be this perfectly perfect person.... unlike me.  

Why should I believe that their journey of humanness is so different than mine?

It is wrong of me to think so, and when I can see my humans -- ALL humans with that frame of mind, then I believe it starts to set me free.  My spirit and mind become more open, and I start to feel more at peace within myself.  It's like giving them a "Get out of jail free" card from the Monopoly game I played long ago.  In my spirit and thoughts I extend grace to them as they live in their humanness. 

Extending grace and accepting people, however, doesn't mean the logical consequences of actions and words (positive or negative) go away.  

What it does mean is that my frame of mind in reference to them is different. 

It mean that at times it is easier to set down the "victim" hat and move forward in my own humanness.  It means that the old anxiety and strife when I think of a human that has wronged me doesn't bubble up as often...or to the same extent.  

It means that in my mind I can be healthy -- even if they are not.

Humanness

I must admit something out loud today.  On paper. 

I am HUMAN.

I am "imperfect, flawed and ordinary" - in the words of Trudy Archambeau.

Therefore, I make mistakes.  I mess up.  I sin.  I err.  I fail and fail miserably.

It's another one of those things I have learned about myself and for some reason at times it is VERY hard to admit.

Being human sometimes looks like me beating myself up over bad choices I have made.  Being human sometimes looks like me doing the happy dance (with little coordination) celebrating a good choice I have made.  Being human means realizing when I have come to the end of myself and I CAN'T.  (Not that I won't try -- cause I was wired to try and try and try again.)  Can't = the realization that whatever I am attempting is beyond my capabilities (like lifting 100 pound bags of anything).

In my life I have had plenty of time to look back at past choices (good and bad)  and see the path that came from making them.  I can trace how my life path changed because of this or that action.  I can look back and feel sadness or joy.  Either one makes me contemplate.  I will be very honest here and say that I have a tendency to focus on the negative choices I have made over the years.   I wonder what life would be like if I hadn't made the choices I have.  Some decisions were "worse" than others in my mind...but alas, that is the human speaking in me.  Errors are errors.  There is no small or big error.  It's an error.  Good choices are good choices.  Bad choices are bad choices. 

In wanting to be healthy and move forward in my life, I need to remember not to" cling to the past mistakes no matter how much time I spent making them" (Dr. Laura).  I see the mistake.  I know the mistake.  I lived the mistake.  I chose the mistake.  I acknowledge my part of them.  I even confess and take responsibility  (whatever that might look like) for my choice.  Then, I need to remember -- LOOK FORWARD and MOVE ON working at not to repeating the same mistake.  I can't cling to the mistake I made 25 years ago -- if I did how healthy would I be?  I wouldn't be healthy at all.  I believe nothing is gained from reliving the past over and over and over.  So that being said, I am learning there is a time and place, alas, a season for everything. (Ecclesiastes 3 - or in the days of the old 45's - I would play that record over and over - the  song Turn! Turn! Turn! By THE BYRDS). 

There is a time for everything.  EVERYTHING.  That means the opposite of my previous paragraphs are true.  I can't dwell on past choices that have brought me joy either.  I can't cling to them...and hold them in high esteem and not move forward.  I cannot relive the past and be stuck in that one grand moment.  It is time for new thoughts.  New experiences.  New horizons.  New joys.  New paths created by my choices or making good choices to stay on the same path.  I need to acknowledge my part in them.  Confess them.  Acknowledge they are a part of my life path and MOVE ON.

For me, growth looks like accepting my humanness...the negative AND the positive.