"Raindrops keep falling on my head"......

It's raining today.  

Some days I feel like walking in the rain.  Walking in the rain can be like taking a look back at all that you have learned.  

This morning, I read through my blogs of the past three years and that's exactly what it felt like -- a walk in the rain, carrying no umbrella with raindrops "falling on my head".

My blog post on Humanness especially made me stop and ponder this morning.  This time it brought out a lesson is in a different context.  

At that time when I wrote on humanness, I was focusing on accepting my OWN humanness.  Being okay with myself as I walk along this bumpy, rocky, and sometimes hilly journey we call life.  Being okay with the fact that sometimes I don't walk "well".  Being okay with the fact that I stumble, choose the wrong footing, fall, and have to struggle to get back up again.  Being okay with the fact that I am not perfect.  It was about accepting myself and realizing that being human doesn't make me a bad person.  It helps me to accept myself as I learn and grow and make mistakes.  Accept MYSELF.

Today, as I was reading those words and walking in "the rain" of my thoughts, more realizations started forming, but this time it wasn't about my humanness.  It was about the humanness and acceptance of OTHERS.

Others = The people I love -- the ones in my tribe, my circle of acquaintances, and my family are all HUMAN!

In being human they are like me.  They stumble, and fall, and struggle, and choose words and actions unwisely, offend, and get stuck....just like me. 

They want to be accepted by their circle....just like me.

They want to be heard and loved....just like me.

They want to feel the sun on their face and feel free and at peace....just like me.

At times they might not be willing or ready to let certain things go yet....just like me.

They might need a friend to walk with....just like me.

Accepting those humans around me is just as important as accepting myself.  In fact, I found it to be harder because for some reason at times it is my nature to hold them to higher standards than I do myself.  For some reason, it's easy to believe that those humans around me should learn their lessons faster, be kinder,  struggle less, believe in themselves more, and  be this perfectly perfect person.... unlike me.  

Why should I believe that their journey of humanness is so different than mine?

It is wrong of me to think so, and when I can see my humans -- ALL humans with that frame of mind, then I believe it starts to set me free.  My spirit and mind become more open, and I start to feel more at peace within myself.  It's like giving them a "Get out of jail free" card from the Monopoly game I played long ago.  In my spirit and thoughts I extend grace to them as they live in their humanness. 

Extending grace and accepting people, however, doesn't mean the logical consequences of actions and words (positive or negative) go away.  

What it does mean is that my frame of mind in reference to them is different. 

It mean that at times it is easier to set down the "victim" hat and move forward in my own humanness.  It means that the old anxiety and strife when I think of a human that has wronged me doesn't bubble up as often...or to the same extent.  

It means that in my mind I can be healthy -- even if they are not.

Are you sure you want to go there?

I've always loved horses.  My aunt and uncle who lived next door to me as a child had a paint pony named "Apache".  He was fat and sassy and I loved going to visit him in the pasture.  My cousin Jodi had a horse -- a beautiful quarter horse -- and between those two horses  -- my dream of owning my own horse thrived.  After seeing the film Black Beauty as a kid, all I wanted to do was ride bareback down the beach on a horse -- playing -- enjoying the partnership.  I imagined it would be like flying.  Those dreams didn't die the older I got.

On the drive home from our honeymoon in New England two years ago, Paul and I excitedly started horse shopping.  By the time we reached home -- we had bought Ryker.  Two months later we added Casanova to our small herd -- and thus my dream of becoming a horse owner came true.   Thank you, Paul!!!

Since then, my horses are teaching me a lot about communication.

Horses are smart creatures that don’t usually talk back.   They listen -- and if you give them clear instructions and they understand what is expected of them -- they usually comply. 

Now, there are circumstances where they might not comply immediately -- as in they get distracted or are in pain -- but generally they will do what you ask.  The key is -- you must speak the same language.

I have found that the romantic idea of hopping on a horse and riding off into the sunset is not a true picture of horse ownership.  It takes time to learn the language -- for them to understand and for you to be clear.

So, I am learning to be clear in my communication.  I am learning to make sure my hands are giving the same signal as my leg.  I am learning that my mood sends signals -- just like facial expressions and body language does to my human partner.  If the signals are mixed -- my leg says go and my hands say stop -- it's no wonder the horse is confused and sends signals to me saying, "Hey, get your act together.  What is it that you really want?"

Consistency is key to successfully understanding one another.

As I think about my communication skills with the humans that I love, knowing what I am learning from my horses, I must ask myself questions in regards to how I communicate with them.   Am I sending a clear message of my wants and needs or am I expecting them to read my mind?  Am I expecting them to remember what I really want -- and am I patient with remind them if they forget?  Am I listening to them -- to make sure we are understanding one another?  Am I listening for their signals?  Do I acknowledge that they might be distracted because of pain of some sort or other stimuli? Am I listening to their needs and feelings?  Am I working hard at this every day or am I expecting them to do all the work?

Communication -- clear, patient communication leads to understanding.  Understanding leads to feeling connected.  Feeling connected leads to feelings of intimacy which fosters an environment where love can deepen and grow. 

Yes, that’s where I want to go.

A Unique Perspective

I think about relationships a lot.  We humans are complex beings!  We desire to be loved and be in communion with others and yet at times it seems like there is nothing more challenging than being in relationship with someone else.

I am learning that as I am in relationship with someone else (any type of relationship) no matter how close I get to them, how  much I know them,  how much time I spend with them or how much I want to change their perspective the fact remains that their reality is not my reality.  They come into our connection with their own perceptions, history, thoughts and emotions which leads them to perceive differently than me.

This is a hard lesson to learn because often I think that being loved and accepted equates the need to agree with me and see things from my perspective.   I am learning that there is no sweeter love than to be in relationship with someone and to not have to agree or see things from the same vantage point.

Why is it that I equate love with agreement?  Why do I often feel that if someone doesn't agree with me that they don't like me?  At times, why have I at times put up walls around me shutting out those that don't agree with me?  Do I make others feel unloved when I don't agree with them?  These are hard questions that have been swirling around in my mind.

I hope that I convey an air of wanting to understand as different viewpoints are shared.  I hope that the basic love I have for another human comes shining through as I listen.  I hope that I validate what they are saying and aim for understanding their perspective.  I also hope that I am able to convey my thoughts without excuse or persuasion.

There is a vulnerability and intimacy in relationships where thoughts, feelings and logic can be shared openly while coexisting with an underlying foundation of seeking to understand.  It's amazing to me the freedom that comes with a place of feeling totally loved and accepted, yet not agreed with.  One feels as though they are accepted for who they are and there is a freedom to be who you are without masks or cover-ups.  In life there is usually more than one perspective and recognizing that truth helps us to remember -- one perspective doesn't have to be right and the other wrong.

Acceptance does not mean agreement.  In this instance, acceptance does mean that you can be in the same room with someone , engage in conversation with them, even hang out and do things with them and you don't have to support their viewpoint.  Acceptance means that you can love someone -- even LIKE  them and come from two different directions on an issue.

Mary Anne Radmacher in her book Live Boldly tells this story.   "When my friends Suze and Jonathan got married, I gave them an unusual gift - a pair of opera glasses outfitted with prisms instead of long-distance lenses.  I told them to use these glasses when they were having a disagreement.  Why?  Because a prism provides so many different images of a single view.  It is a literal reminder that while one thing may be the subject of the argument, there can be so many different ways of looking at it." (C 2008 by mary anne radmacher:  pg 21)

I love that tangible picture.  Now when someone disagrees with me, I am reminded to hold their perspective up to the prism -- and not feel threatened or afraid that my perspective is wrong.  It's just one way of thinking about it out of many.

Growing pains: thoughts on feelings

Whenever I think of the word "feelings"  my mind automatically goes to the first five words of the song "Feelings by Louis Gasté, 1973.  "Feelings, nothing more than feelings..."

WOW.  That's a blast from the past, isn't it? 

Embedded in my memory are those five words and the tune.  In my journey of late, this is the area I am concentrating on.  Let me admit to you -- this is hard work. 

Now, as you read this, you might think:  "You are a woman.  All you have are feelings and you are in tune with them being of the female gender."  I will admit.  I  have feelings, but I am not always in tune with them.  That's the problem.

Oftentimes it's hard to even put into words what I am feeling, so I have taken to carrying around a feelings chart I found online.   Words mean things to me -- and being able to identify what is passing through my mind and heart and spirit is meaningful to me -- and hard work.  In the past, I have buried my feelings until they have come up and out like a volcano (not always in a positive manner).  Now, on this leg of my journey, I am understanding that healing and moving forward means acknowledging what I am feeling and speaking it.   Good, bad, or ugly -- name it.  Don't judge it.  Name it.

Now this might sound kooky -- but  am beginning to practice naming things.  I look around and see things and name them.  Then I ask myself -- how does that thing, person, event -- whatever I named -- make me feel in this moment.  Not what it made me feel in the past.  Not what it might feel like tomorrow -- but right now.  The words I use go beyond your basic feeling words of sad, happy, angry -- and become more specific:  joyful, disappointed, loving, valuable, confused, and so on.

Blogging these very thoughts makes me feel vulnerable.

I believe that being able to name what I am feeling, not what I am thinking (which comes much easier for me), is part of my healing.  It is part of beginning to trust myself and others.  It is part of recognizing who I was created to be.  It is the foundation of being able to love in the agape way.  I want to grow in my relationships and in order to do that, the growth starts with me.

My therapist gave me homework.  I am to start thinking about and finish the following statement: 

"I feel _____________, when you _______________.  I need _______________." 

This is one of the hardest homework assignments I have ever done.  To not only have to NAME my feeling but to point out what brought that feeling on -- AND say aloud what I need (which is also extremely hard for me to voice) is exhausting.  It also is freeing.  It is teaching me I can acknowledge how I am feeling and what brought that feeling on  without laying blame -- and also frees me to say what I need in that moment.

I am experiencing growing pains.  This journey isn't all about smelling the roses.  Sometimes the path gets muddy and I have to get stuck in the mud and lose my shoes before moving forward out of the pit to more solid ground.

MY CONFESSION

Have you ever caught yourself in a habit?  Good or bad...it can be eye-opening when you have the ability for even a moment to stand back and view yourself as someone else would see you in that moment.

I discovered a habit I have in communication.  This habit occurs especially when I am talking about myself.  Now that I have discovered it...I have had to use the delete button multiple times and each time I am now asking myself - why did you phrase it that way?

Wanna know what it is?

I often use the word "just" as a clarifier.  I mean OFTEN.  VERY OFTEN.

You might think...GASP...what in the world?  Oh no!  That is awful!  (In writing these past couple paragraphs, I have typed the word "just" at least three different times and had to erase it.)  Or you might be thinking...that Deb Anderson....she is NUTSO!  Why in the world does it make a difference what clarifier she uses or that she uses one at all?

I have realized something, though, in using the word "just".  I have chosen to use the word in the wrong way.  I use it in a way that minimizes my thought or feeling which translates to minimizing myself.  Looking at the definition...when used as adverb it means exact or precisely.  I find I use it incorrectly and exact or precise is not at all what it means.  Let me give you an example.

Think of questions and responses.

"Who is there?"  It's just me.
"Where are you going on vacation?"  It's not that far -- just to the beach.
"What are you reading these days?"  It's a just a book I had on my shelf.
"How are you feeling?"  I am just so tired these days.


See how it minimizes the answer?  Just me....JUST me. It makes me sound less important than if I were to say:  It's me.  ME.  "Just to the beach".  JUST?  Are you kidding me?  The beach is the most awesome place in the world for a vacation (my personal opinion).  JUST -- no way.  "Just" doesn't even belong in the same sentence with the word beach!  "I am just so tired these days."  Just tired...minimizes how I feel.  It makes my feelings seem less important than someone else's.

See what I mean?

So I am on a quest to stop using the word "just".  I am on a quest to not minimize my feelings or thoughts.  I am trying to break the habit...of minimizing me.

What Hinders Resonance

In my last post I explored the surface of acknowledging that resonance is created in my life through my communication and the way I live my life.  Moving further, in this post I want to explore what hinders resonance in my life.

Returning  to the examples of what happens in my music studio,  I'll start with the piano because that is the easiest one to explain and imagine.  I described in the last post how the strings resonate and overtones vibrate and resonate if the strings are left unhindered by the felts.  The felts are controlled by a pedal under the piano.  Once the pedal is pressed, the felts rise and every string is free to resonate as a note is played.  A vibrancy of sound and life can be heard and even felt.  Then as I lift my foot, the felts on the strings fall between and surround each string hampering the vibrations.  Only the uppermost octave which does not have dampers (because the strings are shorter) are left to vibrate.  The ear doesn't detect the vibrations as easily on the higher strings as on lower sounding strings. 

I describe that picture so that you can see that I get to control what vibrates.  I choose when I want to give the strings freedom to vibrate and resonate and I choose when to stop the vibration.  On an instrument it's pretty cut and dry.

When you move into the land of the sung resonation, the world shifts.  Sometimes we don't even recognize what hinders the tone from resonating.  It could be many things:  lack of space, lack of support, too much support or physical restrictions impeding the airflow just to name a few.  It takes concentration and awareness of one's own instrument to narrow down what is restricting the vibrancy of the tone and make the changes necessary to restore vibrancy.

I love both examples as I think they both apply to what I call our "life resonance".  Sometimes, we don't feel like resonating with anyone and we shut it down on purpose.  We let the damper pedal do it's work and we choose to cut off the flow of vibrancy within us.  Other times, we try and try to communicate a certain level of energy or connection and we cannot figure out why in the world we aren't coming across to others as we desire.  That leads me to ask what restricts our "life resonance"?  The words in the box above are just a few that describe obstructions to resonance.    As I look at the list, these words not only block resonance, but also can restrict RECEIVING the resonance of someone -but that is for another day's thoughts!

Fear, distractions, anger, closed-mindedness, pain, stress, legalism, tension, impatience, weariness and pushing or forcefulness can be restrictors to open resonation.  They distract us from allowing the balance of the breath, spirit, and open vibration of the tones of our spirit to resonate to those around us.  Personally, fear is a restrictor in my life.  Worrying about what others might think, how I will be received, am I on the right track (whatever that might look like or be)  and a myriad of other negative self-talk squashes my resonance in one fail swoop.  I am slowly learning how to keep that damper pedal depressed so that my fear doesn't override my resonance.  I find that I feel the most healthy emotionally, physically and spiritually when I refrain from giving power to my fears.  I am more self-confident to be who I was created to be if I don't surrender the power of my resonance to fear.

I am learning resonation is a choice.  Consciously or unconsciously my "life resonance" is restricted by my thought patterns and actions.  Sometimes I am not aware of the problem and have to go searching for which restrictor is blocking my openness.  On other days I know full well which control is in place.  My goal is to resonate fully, positively, bringing out the best in those whom I come in contact with in my journey.  I want to stand on one side of the room and for others to feel the positive openness of my "life resonance". 

So this leads me to ask myself frequently and ask you, my fellow sojourner....What blocks your resonation?  Which limits  do you allow to control or are controlling your "life resonance"?

Resonance

ˈrezənəns

the quality in a sound of being deep, full, and reverberating.

"the resonance of his voice"

the ability to evoke or suggest images, memories, and emotions.
"the concepts lose their emotional resonance"
 

(Pasted from <https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=definition%20of%20resonance>) 

There is so much to say on this topic, I am going to break this down into two days of writings.  It makes my head swim to think of the ramifications of resonance in my life.  Today, I'll take on thinking through the positives of resonance.  Later, I'll explore what might hinder resonance in our lives.

I think of resonance all the time as a musician.  As a vocal teacher, I have the opinion that the ability to create resonance  is one of the qualities that sets one vocalist apart from the other.  I work a lot with my students on being aware of  the sound they are creating and what it feels like/sounds like when they are resonating fully.  When they resonate fully there is a richness, a depth to the sound that makes you want to hear more.  I also have to consider what impedes resonance and not only try to explain that to my students but demonstrate it as well.

As a pianist, I know that if I play a single note on my acoustic piano, push the damper pedal down and listen carefully, I can hear the overtones of that note vibrating on other strings.  One single note affecting multiple strings around it.  There is a scientific explanation for that, but I don't want to go down that road right now.  If I release the damper pedal, the felts fall onto the strings and I am left with the resonance of one single note as long as that one note is held down.

That knowledge brings me to where my thoughts are this morning on resonance in our lives.  What overtones are created in those around me as I live my life?  Am I even aware of the effect I have on others?  What dampens and impedes my resonance into the lives of those around me? 

How we interact with others creates resonance.  Your persona creates resonance.  Motivation is resonance.  I believe  body language and facial expression create unvoiced resonance.  Words and tone create resonance.  Style creates resonance.  You have heard the phrase "She/he brings out the best/worst in me."  That is resonance. 

I have come to believe that in life inner resonance will shine through if someone journeys with you long enough.  Inner resonance cannot be hidden for long.  One can throw up road blocks, take on another image, speak in certain ways or do things to fit into specific surroundings, but that deep inner resonance will shine through even those actions.

What could resonance look like to those around us?  Here might be just a few words to describe what resonance might look like or even feel like:  "affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity, a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people, loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life and an ability to marshal and direct our energies wisely." (Gal 5:22-23 MSG)

"When people of similar frequencies come together, output is not a simple sum of individual work, but exponential.  In science we term this phenomenon as resonance.  Output at this state is beyond any logical limit."  - Ravindra Shukla, A Maverick Heart:  Between Love and Life

Resonance looks like many things in my life.  I challenge myself with the thought that it is possible that every encounter someone has with us...has the possibility to resonate something within them.  I pause to reflect on that statement because of the sheer power of the words.  It's more than the words I speak, but HOW I interact as my motives shine through.

What overtones am I creating with my life in the lives of those around me?