The Surround

Saturday, October 21, 2017

3:42 PM

Today I witnessed a man surrounded by love.  There were loved ones at his head, by his side, and at his feet.  Within the warmth of those around him, he slipped from this life into the next.  There was no anger around him.  No guilt for words not said. There were no words of hurt or misunderstandings that hadn't been resolved.  There were warm memories.  There was love.  There was so much love you could feel it -- almost palpate it with your hands.  You could certainly see it in the eyes of those in The Surround.

Live life.  Live life so that you have people who surround you while you are full of life.  Live life so that there are no regrets, no words left unsaid, no anger or hurt or misunderstandings left unresolved.  Now is the time for that type of healing.  Now is the time to seize each moment with those in your tribe who will surround you some day when your time in this life is at its end.   Invite into your circle those people who will love you, hold you, challenge you, laugh with you, be with you, sing with you, walk with you, sit with you, and dance with you even though you might not dance well.    Embrace your Surround while you are able.  Be kind and gracious and loving.  Agree to disagree and love them anyway.  Get together while your dishes are undone, and your floors are unswept, and your projects are undone, and there is only PB&J in the cupboard. 

Love them.

Embrace them.

Look them in the eye and tell them how much you care and admire them and appreciate them for walking this path with you called Life.

While you have time.  While you have breath.  While you can open your eyes on this beautiful earth.  LOVE.

-in memoriam of my friend, Jim D. Pulliam

A Unique Perspective

I think about relationships a lot.  We humans are complex beings!  We desire to be loved and be in communion with others and yet at times it seems like there is nothing more challenging than being in relationship with someone else.

I am learning that as I am in relationship with someone else (any type of relationship) no matter how close I get to them, how  much I know them,  how much time I spend with them or how much I want to change their perspective the fact remains that their reality is not my reality.  They come into our connection with their own perceptions, history, thoughts and emotions which leads them to perceive differently than me.

This is a hard lesson to learn because often I think that being loved and accepted equates the need to agree with me and see things from my perspective.   I am learning that there is no sweeter love than to be in relationship with someone and to not have to agree or see things from the same vantage point.

Why is it that I equate love with agreement?  Why do I often feel that if someone doesn't agree with me that they don't like me?  At times, why have I at times put up walls around me shutting out those that don't agree with me?  Do I make others feel unloved when I don't agree with them?  These are hard questions that have been swirling around in my mind.

I hope that I convey an air of wanting to understand as different viewpoints are shared.  I hope that the basic love I have for another human comes shining through as I listen.  I hope that I validate what they are saying and aim for understanding their perspective.  I also hope that I am able to convey my thoughts without excuse or persuasion.

There is a vulnerability and intimacy in relationships where thoughts, feelings and logic can be shared openly while coexisting with an underlying foundation of seeking to understand.  It's amazing to me the freedom that comes with a place of feeling totally loved and accepted, yet not agreed with.  One feels as though they are accepted for who they are and there is a freedom to be who you are without masks or cover-ups.  In life there is usually more than one perspective and recognizing that truth helps us to remember -- one perspective doesn't have to be right and the other wrong.

Acceptance does not mean agreement.  In this instance, acceptance does mean that you can be in the same room with someone , engage in conversation with them, even hang out and do things with them and you don't have to support their viewpoint.  Acceptance means that you can love someone -- even LIKE  them and come from two different directions on an issue.

Mary Anne Radmacher in her book Live Boldly tells this story.   "When my friends Suze and Jonathan got married, I gave them an unusual gift - a pair of opera glasses outfitted with prisms instead of long-distance lenses.  I told them to use these glasses when they were having a disagreement.  Why?  Because a prism provides so many different images of a single view.  It is a literal reminder that while one thing may be the subject of the argument, there can be so many different ways of looking at it." (C 2008 by mary anne radmacher:  pg 21)

I love that tangible picture.  Now when someone disagrees with me, I am reminded to hold their perspective up to the prism -- and not feel threatened or afraid that my perspective is wrong.  It's just one way of thinking about it out of many.

There she goes...

A few minutes ago our college girl left for the second semester of her freshman year.

I miss her already.

It's funny how time seems to pass quickly when you are in the throes of moments  in your life you want to last and last.  Those moments where you are eking out every second -- because  you know it will never be captured again….until the next time...which will be different.  This moment is the only time you will have this moment. 

I think back to when I was a kid.  I grew up in the rolling hills of the State of Ohio.   It was the perfect place to spend hours outdoors.  There was much to do outside...trails to hike, streams to walk in, hills to bike, trees to climb and everything else that living in the country has to offer.  One of my summer time memories is of catching fireflies in the evening and putting them in a jar.  I would carefully poke holes in a jar lid so as to let them breathe after I had caught them.  They would rise up out of the ground by the thousands -- and it was a wonderful sight to see them glowing as they lit up the night.  After catching enough to make the jar glow bright, I would take the lid off the jar and set it on the ground and let them escape at their own pace.  Sometimes they immediately flew out and away.  Other times, I would come back to my jar in the morning and there would still be one or two left inside.

This past month  I got to see Moriah's bright light glow as she was home on break.  I loved seeing her every day -- even when she came home from work exhausted.  I loved having her at the dinner table with her brothers and listening to them tease and joke and share.  I loved watching them interact, seeing the hugs they would share and witness their teamwork in the kitchen.  I loved watching Christmas Hallmark movies with her as she painted her nails.  I loved hearing her stories from her workplace and talking about the next semester and what was in store.  The house was brighter with her light adding to the mix.

Today, as Moriah was driving down the lane, I felt much like I did as I released the fireflies.  I loved the glow of the fireflies and enjoyed their presence.  Yet, I knew I had to release them.  I knew that I had to share their glow with the rest of the world or else they soon would lose their light.

Go shine in your world, my daughter.  Your light is very, very bright.

Sometimes you gotta go

Every day I head outside at some point and look for my two horses.  Usually they aren't in the paddock or barn unless it is raining or snowing.  Usually they are in the pasture doing what they love to do -- eat.  

Now let me tell you a bit about my two four legged friends.  They both are geldings.  For you who are non-horse people  -- that means they are male.  They are older than 15 years.  We don't have paperwork on them and bought them from people who didn't raise them -- so with horses it's a guess of age by looking at physical signs.  That being said -- they have been around a few years.  We rescued Ryker last fall on our honeymoon.  He came to us starved -- about 400 pounds or more underweight and hungry.  VERY hungry.  We started loving on him, which for him meant feeding him.   I spent time with him, groomed him, and took him on walks on a lead rope.   It was weeks before I tried to get on his back.  He lacked muscle tone and stability.  Over time, he started to gain weight and I started exercising with him (basically he trotted -- I jogged beside him).  He was my buddy and always looked for me.  When I called -- he would come in an instant because my presence equated food.  

Enter Casanova onto the scene a few months later.  He is a paint mix breed.  Beautiful and stout and in great shape.  He quickly made friends with Ryker -- and now they are best buddies and don't like to be separated in any way -- especially in the pastures or on the trail or even if I am working with one -- the other is calling "Where are you???" from the stall.

So lately, as I go out to greet them and give them a little grain and a little loving each day -- I find that sometimes  Ryker doesn't come right away any more.   After a year of good feeding and exercise, Ryker has gained his weight back and is able to carry extra weight and be ridden.   I find that when I call, he doesn't come as readily.  In my opinion, he acts as though he is content with his pasture and friend and doesn't  seem to "need" my extra attention (as I try to personalize his behaviour).  Nevertheless, on those days when he hears me, and looks at me from across the pastureland and acknowledges me, but doesn't start moving towards me -- I call again and wait.  Then I call one more time and wait.  Some days, it just takes a second call.  Some days, it takes a third call.  Some days, he doesn't come at all -- and I go out to him.

I go out to him.  

Now some people would say -- that horse should come to you every time.  And part of me believes that.  But part of me says - why should he have to come to me all the time?  Why shouldn't I show him that I want to be with him -- and put forth the effort?  So on those days, I do put forth the effort.  I head out with a handful of grain or a carrot or just a smile and friendly words and find him wherever he might be.

As I have been thinking of good friendships and relationships this week, it struck me that if I want people in my life, I need to go to them.  But also, they need to come to me.  Healthy relationships don't end when one person stops being needy.  I believe both people can be healthy and still keep compromising, still reach for one another's presence in order to stay connected.  If we want someone in our life, we can't expect them to do all the reaching, nor can we do all the reaching.  It takes effort on both sides.  

Now, what would happen if I never made the effort to go out to the pasture?  Ryker would be fine with his grass.  He would be happy with his buddy Casanova and their relationship.  But our connection over time would fade if he didn't make the effort to see me or I didn't make the effort to see him.  Life would move on -- but a friendship would be lost.

Time to head out to the pasture...and find my friend.