Help! I'm stuck!

All right.  You might not know this about me, but I tend to get stuck.

After living on the farm these past two years, I think I have now found every soft spot and underground spring -- and sometimes obvious marshy places -- on the farm.  And I have a propensity to get the tractor stuck as I am mowing.

I love to mow.  I have no idea why -- but I love mowing.  Hop on the tractor, rev up the engine, turn on the blades, and mindlessly go back and forth over grass that is higher than the "acceptable length" in my eyes and create the most wonderful fragrance in the outdoor world:  fresh cut grass.

Okay....as you are groaning and I am smiling, let me get to the point of my thoughts before you run out to the garage and try to start up your mower in February.

I also love to organize.  One of my winter projects was to clean out files in my file drawers.  I only have two -- so it shouldn't be a hard task, right?  I got together all my tools -- trash bag, new file folders, and organizing tabs and clips and brought out the first huge file of paper and stopped.

Viewing the contents of the file brought back old feelings, situations, and in my mind's eye, I was right back in the old place of my journey that this paper represented.  Let me tell you this:  I got stuck. 

As I was reflecting and reading the file the questions begin to roll:  To toss or not to toss?  THAT is the question!

If I hold onto something that doesn't bring joy, what good does it do me?  What good does it do my spirit and my psyche in this new part of my journey?  Let me tell you -- deciding whether or not to toss those memories was extremely hard!  I had things dating all the way back to foreverland in that file drawer!  All kinds of questions zipped through my brain.  Did tossing the negative things stored in that drawer mean they never happened?  If I kept only the good things and I died and someone else had to go through the drawer would they think I lived a "charmed" life and not get a realistic picture of my struggles?  (Yes, that was one of the things I really thought.)  What would my life look like without certain memories in that drawer? 

As hard as I could, I tried to equate cleaning out the drawer to mowing...and not getting stuck.  I didn't want to get stuck in the bad memories or things that represented mistakes or errors in my journey.  And I realized that if I learned my lesson well, I didn't need to keep a reminder of that time.  The lesson was learned.  I needed to move on and not focus back there on that time I got stuck in the spring that I KNEW was there because I had gotten stuck the last time I rounded that area of the fence line.  I just needed to remember that the underground spring was there -- and avoid getting stuck by rehashing the last time I got stuck.   I needed to recognize when the front wheels started getting wet and stop - and back up -- and go around that area.  Lesson learned.  No need to sink in that hole again. 

Did I need files of memories to not get stuck again?  Nah. 

Realizing that I could avoid getting stuck in that same old thought process, same actions, same rehashing of old times that didn't extend grace to myself or someone else was not helping me in my footing on THIS hill I am climbing; on THIS part of my journey.   So I finally did what I needed to do and cleaned it out.

I left room for new memories -- new files -- good and bad because the cleaning process is usually not a once and done project for me.  I am always finding things I should have "thrown out" but wasn't quite ready.  Now I am ready.  Ready to see the deep grooves in the mud and not go there anymore.  Ready to recognize the rut in my thinking and speech and actions.

Ready to mow, anyone?

"Raindrops keep falling on my head"......

It's raining today.  

Some days I feel like walking in the rain.  Walking in the rain can be like taking a look back at all that you have learned.  

This morning, I read through my blogs of the past three years and that's exactly what it felt like -- a walk in the rain, carrying no umbrella with raindrops "falling on my head".

My blog post on Humanness especially made me stop and ponder this morning.  This time it brought out a lesson is in a different context.  

At that time when I wrote on humanness, I was focusing on accepting my OWN humanness.  Being okay with myself as I walk along this bumpy, rocky, and sometimes hilly journey we call life.  Being okay with the fact that sometimes I don't walk "well".  Being okay with the fact that I stumble, choose the wrong footing, fall, and have to struggle to get back up again.  Being okay with the fact that I am not perfect.  It was about accepting myself and realizing that being human doesn't make me a bad person.  It helps me to accept myself as I learn and grow and make mistakes.  Accept MYSELF.

Today, as I was reading those words and walking in "the rain" of my thoughts, more realizations started forming, but this time it wasn't about my humanness.  It was about the humanness and acceptance of OTHERS.

Others = The people I love -- the ones in my tribe, my circle of acquaintances, and my family are all HUMAN!

In being human they are like me.  They stumble, and fall, and struggle, and choose words and actions unwisely, offend, and get stuck....just like me. 

They want to be accepted by their circle....just like me.

They want to be heard and loved....just like me.

They want to feel the sun on their face and feel free and at peace....just like me.

At times they might not be willing or ready to let certain things go yet....just like me.

They might need a friend to walk with....just like me.

Accepting those humans around me is just as important as accepting myself.  In fact, I found it to be harder because for some reason at times it is my nature to hold them to higher standards than I do myself.  For some reason, it's easy to believe that those humans around me should learn their lessons faster, be kinder,  struggle less, believe in themselves more, and  be this perfectly perfect person.... unlike me.  

Why should I believe that their journey of humanness is so different than mine?

It is wrong of me to think so, and when I can see my humans -- ALL humans with that frame of mind, then I believe it starts to set me free.  My spirit and mind become more open, and I start to feel more at peace within myself.  It's like giving them a "Get out of jail free" card from the Monopoly game I played long ago.  In my spirit and thoughts I extend grace to them as they live in their humanness. 

Extending grace and accepting people, however, doesn't mean the logical consequences of actions and words (positive or negative) go away.  

What it does mean is that my frame of mind in reference to them is different. 

It mean that at times it is easier to set down the "victim" hat and move forward in my own humanness.  It means that the old anxiety and strife when I think of a human that has wronged me doesn't bubble up as often...or to the same extent.  

It means that in my mind I can be healthy -- even if they are not.

A Unique Perspective

I think about relationships a lot.  We humans are complex beings!  We desire to be loved and be in communion with others and yet at times it seems like there is nothing more challenging than being in relationship with someone else.

I am learning that as I am in relationship with someone else (any type of relationship) no matter how close I get to them, how  much I know them,  how much time I spend with them or how much I want to change their perspective the fact remains that their reality is not my reality.  They come into our connection with their own perceptions, history, thoughts and emotions which leads them to perceive differently than me.

This is a hard lesson to learn because often I think that being loved and accepted equates the need to agree with me and see things from my perspective.   I am learning that there is no sweeter love than to be in relationship with someone and to not have to agree or see things from the same vantage point.

Why is it that I equate love with agreement?  Why do I often feel that if someone doesn't agree with me that they don't like me?  At times, why have I at times put up walls around me shutting out those that don't agree with me?  Do I make others feel unloved when I don't agree with them?  These are hard questions that have been swirling around in my mind.

I hope that I convey an air of wanting to understand as different viewpoints are shared.  I hope that the basic love I have for another human comes shining through as I listen.  I hope that I validate what they are saying and aim for understanding their perspective.  I also hope that I am able to convey my thoughts without excuse or persuasion.

There is a vulnerability and intimacy in relationships where thoughts, feelings and logic can be shared openly while coexisting with an underlying foundation of seeking to understand.  It's amazing to me the freedom that comes with a place of feeling totally loved and accepted, yet not agreed with.  One feels as though they are accepted for who they are and there is a freedom to be who you are without masks or cover-ups.  In life there is usually more than one perspective and recognizing that truth helps us to remember -- one perspective doesn't have to be right and the other wrong.

Acceptance does not mean agreement.  In this instance, acceptance does mean that you can be in the same room with someone , engage in conversation with them, even hang out and do things with them and you don't have to support their viewpoint.  Acceptance means that you can love someone -- even LIKE  them and come from two different directions on an issue.

Mary Anne Radmacher in her book Live Boldly tells this story.   "When my friends Suze and Jonathan got married, I gave them an unusual gift - a pair of opera glasses outfitted with prisms instead of long-distance lenses.  I told them to use these glasses when they were having a disagreement.  Why?  Because a prism provides so many different images of a single view.  It is a literal reminder that while one thing may be the subject of the argument, there can be so many different ways of looking at it." (C 2008 by mary anne radmacher:  pg 21)

I love that tangible picture.  Now when someone disagrees with me, I am reminded to hold their perspective up to the prism -- and not feel threatened or afraid that my perspective is wrong.  It's just one way of thinking about it out of many.

No longer and not yet

As a music teacher, part of my job is to teach rhythm.  For many students the notes come easy and the rhythm is hard.  For others, the rhythm comes naturally and learning the notes is a battle.   I love teaching rhythm.  I teach the student to verbalize the rhythm, clap it, tap it and play it.  It is easy to make games and make learning fun.  After awhile I let the students tap out the rhythms on their own, looking at a pattern of notation.  I find that one of the hardest things are for students to observe the rests in the pattern.

Silence is a powerful tool in music.  The space between sounds and notes can make one hungry for more.  It can make also make an impact leaving time for one to think about what has come before the rests.  Rests of any length create an energy, stopping the flow of sound.  Without the rests music would not stop from beginning to end.

I have learned a lot about myself in the past couple years.  I actually keep a list to review for a couple reasons:  one, because there has been much to absorb and two, it is hard to remember everything and keep it fresh.  Learning and integrating what I have learned takes reminders.  I have found not all lessons are learned the first time.  Not all characteristics are noted cognitively and internalized in one circumstance.  Not all emotions can be analyzed until the tide of emotion has gone out and thinking has taken place in a more peaceful moment.  Sometimes it takes repeated tries for a new skill or awareness to sink in.  Being human can be frustrating (spoken like  a closet perfectionist)!

One thing I have learned about myself is that I can be impatient much like some of my music students and not want to honor the space between no longer and not yet in my life.

So much can happen in that space.

Processing.  Peace.  Breathing.  Sleep.  Joy.  Being mindful.  Listening.  Forgiveness.  Acceptance.  Silence. 

If I get impatient or excited and want to move to the next thing, or shorten the period of rest to a shorter rest than what is deserved, then I miss the impact that the rest can have in me.  I not only will miss the impact, but might not learn the entire lesson I need to learn.  I am learning that a fermata (a hold) over the rest, the space that is between what was and what will be is something that doesn't stop the growth in my life, but accelerates how cognizant I become of what I am learning.  Resting allows me to be mindful of the lesson and gives me the time to integrate what I am learning.  It forces to me wait on my myself or others and not move on to the new thought, the new habit, the new issue that needs to be addressed.

Some people call this place the waiting room.  Some people call this a plateau.  Some call it a rest.  I call it the place between what was and what is yet to be.  Regardless of what you call it...the value of honoring that space is undeniable.

Do more...

I saw this thought on my friend's FB page for her business and it struck a chord with me.  See, I have lived with someone who takes photos...when there are no photos to take except of herself.  I have also been the one to document the lives of my children in family - from behind the camera.  I love photos...I am a visual person.  I just organized over 2000 photos on my drive from the past few years (Way too many, I know!)   I also love words that create pictures...a good story grabs me from the start.

But as I saw this quote...it struck a chord in my heart.  Do more...participate in life....connect with those who are within touching range.

Yes, I have friends who aren't within touching range...some of them are the best friends of my life.  I keep connected through the phone and words and pictures and letters and cards...because I can't see them in person.  However, when I DO see them in person, I want to seize the moments...and remember...document them by A photo or two --- and let the rest be in my memory.  

I want to remember this while I am in my family room with the boys, sitting on the porch with my husband, visiting with friends for a weekend, or just sitting outside listening to the birds sing while the sun is setting.  I want to remember that the here and now escapes...and it is lost forever unless I notice and participate in what is going on around me.

Now, I'm not going to abandon the camera -- or my phone and throw them out the window.  What I want to do, though, is to be more intentional about living...not more intentional about documenting life around me.  Thoughts for today...

Why do we avoid endings?

This week I have been thinking about endings.  I have been wondering a few things so I will put them in first person:  one -- why do I struggle finalizing the end of things -- projects, papers, tasks, et cetera?  two -- why do I think there is something still left to salvage when there is a clear need for more??  three -- why do I not like to say good-bye?  four -- why do I fear endings?

I find it hard to finalize projects because in my mind there is always more -- more to learn, more to perfect, more to strive for, more to write, more to think, more to discuss, more to catch..fill in the blank, more.  It's not the thought that it's not good enough - there is just MORE.  I can hold that note longer, have more resonance, find the perfect piece of art for that spot, make the recipe a little better, gain more confidence, find the connection more deeply....there is always MORE.

There is a part of me that doesn't think on empty -- I look at a glass with a few swallows of water in it as a waitress comes by and asks if I want more -- and I think to myself -- no, my glass isn't empty!  I don't need a refill yet.  It's the same feeling with leftovers -- if there is anything left - why make something new until you have eaten what is left from before?  If there is one more paper on that notepad...don't throw it away -- use it before you open a new one.  One more tissue - one more squeeze of toothpaste...you get the idea.

I find it hard to finalize projects because in my mind there is always more -- more to learn, more to perfect, more to strive for, more to write, more to think, more to discuss, more to catch..fill in the blank, more.  It's not the thought that it's not good enough - there is just MORE.  I can hold that note longer, have more resonance, find the perfect piece of art for that spot, make the recipe a little better....there is always MORE.

Then my mind goes to good-byes.  I would rather say "See you soon!"  "See you later!"  "Until next time!" than say "Good-bye!".  This is something I am noticing in myself that I wonder about.  Good-bye seems final.  Good-byes to people that I love, are just plain hard.  Closing down my studio time after time of moving from place to place to start again has been just plain hard.  Seeing friendships wax and wane -- is a form of good-bye and is hard.  Remember those seasons of life I spoke of in earlier posts? Sometimes, I want the season for a lifetime -- my lifetime.  Not the natural lifetime of the other person, thing, flower...et cetera.  I ask myself -- is it selfish of me to not want things to end?  Or am I afraid?

Maybe I don't like endings because I am a natural born planner (working on spontaneity in my life) and I can't foresee or forecast the next leg of the journey.  The unknown paralyzes for a time -- until it is known...and then most of the time once I have moved into the next phase I say to myself - see?  This isn't so bad!  In fact, it's better than expected! Maybe my fear of the unknown keeps me from ending things that should have been ended long ago -- like me hanging onto certain projects that haven't been finished for years  that are stored in tubs in the basement.  Or I think about that book I still have next to my bed that I don't want to shelve because I haven't finished it but yet I pick up other books to read instead of reaching for that one night after night.  Endings.  Hmmmm....

Maybe this is what my new approach should be when it comes to good-byes or endings.  Maybe I need to replace my fear-based thinking with possibility-based thinking.  I need to remind myself that with every ending a beginning starts.

If I think in beginnings...and look forward to beginnings...then maybe the endings won't be so scary.

Endings: Don't Abort! Don't Abort!

My family finished up a wonderful week at our favorite vacation spot.  Our time was near perfect to our expectations and we enjoyed every minute of being together - with the exception of the 14 hour travel time from home to our hideaway.  As we neared the end of our time away I noticed things:  none of us wanted the time to end.

Some of us got cranky and some became sad.  Some got anxious and started packing early.  Some procrastinated packing until the very last second perhaps thinking that if they put it off it might never need to happen and we could stay indefinitely.

I found that as we visited the local souvenir shop that other people seemed to have the same thought.  They were searching for that perfect token to trigger memories of the time they wanted to remember and wished would never end.

I have found that endings are often viewed as negative events.  Think of the endings you have experienced in your lifetime.  Even as a young child we experienced endings (positive or negative):  the end of crawling around when we started walking as our mode of transportation; school years ticking by; friendships change as re-locations happen; we finish great books or TV series that we have enjoyed; our first job ends; a deadline on a project ends; vacations come and go and time moves on as life offers more choices to begin new things, tasks, projects, experiences, and relationships.

Think about this thought:  "No one knew better than a gardener that life never stayed static.  Cycles were necessary, for without them there was no bloom." - Nora Roberts, In the Garden Trilogy.

I like this thought:  if not for the life cycle of each project, issue, relationship...we would not experience vibrant color and sweet fragrance that each brings to our lives.  We would miss those sweet blooms of taking vacations with family, the fragrance of life as we watch our children grow and experience life on their own, the vibrant eye-catching color of passion and romance in relationships, the showy palette of a project completed and accomplishment experienced as shade on our journey.

Endings don't have to be viewed as negative.  Within the perspective that something better is in the next bloom cycle, one can enjoy the current aesthetics of current bloom cycle and look forward to the next season at the same time.

The Next Chapter

I have shared in my past posts that I am an avid reader.  Reading to me is like the best dessert -- an escape -- something I look forward to in my free time to open my mind to new thoughts and topics and hopefully not only escape but learn something as I read.  As I read, the more I get into the book the more I look forward to....the next chapter.  In the next chapter, the plot continues and the information I gathered in the story line culminates, furthering the journey, no matter the genre of the book. 

Today, in my life, I am very close to ending one chapter and beginning the next.  In just a couple days the transition will take place with a new Chapter Heading and life moving forward.  Am I looking forward to this chapter?  Oh yes, I definitely am.  Even so, life continues whether we want it to or not.   Alas, I am ready for the next chapter.

Thinking about the next chapter makes me think of a few things:  does looking forward to the next chapter mean that I want to totally disregard the one I am finishing?   Do I forget this chapter and all that I have lived?  No.  Not in the least.  In this chapter of my life I have made wonderful friends and positive things have happened in my family.  It has been exciting and full of changes on many levels.  I have been allowed to be a part of so many people's lives and walk alongside them.  That is a privilege I do not take lightly.   I have seen our children grow and mature and walk into their own personal next chapter.  I have experienced the love of a man who loves me deeply and I have loved him in return and known such joy for the effort.  Some of my life long dreams have come true.  There has been so much good in this chapter.  But I would not be sharing the whole story if I didn't also mention the disappointments and hurt that has been along the path.  Life doesn't come without potholes and I have experienced what seems like more than my share of them on this leg of the journey.  The lessons I have learned along the way have been priceless, however.

So that being said and remembering that the journey is a culminating one, I take those memories and lessons and joys into this next chapter.   I bring with me new connections and deep friendships that I didn't have previously.  I don't disregard the lessons learned, for hopefully I will have learned them well and  be aware of the same potholes again.  I look forward with anticipation to the next chapter, embracing the transition fully.  It's not good-bye -- it's time to live the next chapter!

What makes you strong?

I love to read.  It doesn't matter what medium:  Nook, paperback or audible.  Reading brings me pleasure and opens up the world of new thoughts and ideas.  

I have always loved reading (Thanks Mom for reading to me as a kid!).  I remember when I was in sixth grade in Union Elementary (River View School District in Ohio), the library was my favorite room in the school.  I would often check out ten books or more at a time (The librarian was my friend.) and I would read them in a week and turn them back in for ten more.  Instead of going to the card file (Remember those little index cards?), I would peruse the shelves...looking at the covers...opening them to read snippets of the story and see if what I read piqued my interest.  I read ALL kinds of books:  fiction, non-fiction, biographies, autobiographies...whatever else was left...even how-to books.  Reading was an escape into other people's world.  It was better than TV or a movie.  

Two years ago, a book was suggested to me by a friend that really made me think about what creates joy within me.  The book was Find Your Strongest Life.  It suggested that when we are passionate about something we feel strong. It makes us feel good and creative and at our best.  This got me thinking in a new direction with new vocabulary which made me think new thoughts.  The author, Marcus Buckingham, asked the reader to finish the sentence..."I feel strong when..."

So here they are -- my top five:

• I feel strong when I am teaching the "hows" of creating music....how to exude passion in your voice and through your instrument...and in showing my students -- (those who are above the rudimentary skills level) that they hold the key opening up the story inside each piece of music.  It takes analysis to find the individual secret within each student because no two students are the same, as well as the creativity to explain it how they can grasp it.  If at first you don't succeed...describe it again in a different way.  It is most fulfilling when they respond and find the passion within themselves.  It makes me feel like I am making a difference in their path as I help them find the key inside their spirit that unlocks the melody within.  It creates another path of joy. 

• I feel strong when I'm sharing ideas with others (in general)...listening to theirs...seeking truth....and considering.  Not necessarily finding an answer...but it's the journey..the process that invigorates me...a think tank of sorts.  I love the brainstorming...throwing out ideas...taking things apart...and figuring out the whys and hows...regardless of how silly or crazy.  I like to do this with all generations...anyone who will join in the fun.  I love it when the ideas aren't thrown out to persuade...and the pressure isn't there to make a decision.  It generates a creativity within me that I love.

• I feel strong when I am playing/singing and telling the story of the song myself...connecting with a piece of music just for me.  I get lost and time just flies by...especially if I am writing or creating original music. If others are listening in...so be it....even better perhaps to see if I can get them to glimpse what I see/feel.  It doesn't matter if I'm with a band or by myself.  I like the playing off the band members...if they will let themselves be free...and feel and create.  The power of the collective is amazing at that point.  This creates a deep sense of peace..purpose...and yet energizes me.

• I feel strong when I am doing something for myself...such as reading...exercising..sitting by the sea...soaking up vitamin D...even weeding the garden....taking time for me.  This is my refuel time.  It gives my brain time to be free...think of whatever.  Sometimes my best processing is done in the quiet of doing something as I described.  A thought path can be followed...and hammered out...and put back together again...with Plans...A, B, C, et cetera.  There is no end to the options, opportunities.

•  I feel strong when I can make order out of chaos.  This could be ...organizing things, trips, people, or thoughts or even designing a garden.  I like breaking down a task into smaller bite sized pieces. Even though I love creating uncluttered order, if conflict gets injected into the mix, it totally loses its strengthening power, and becomes a weakness. 

The exercise was eye opening in pinpointing what made me feel "strong".  Crazy me...at first I had to process whether or not it was okay to feel "strong".  At that point in time in my life I was feeling anything but strong or having positive self-worth.  However, I was able to narrow down times when I felt strong and looking back, it is a good blueprint of how I was created to be.  I needed to read it and recognize those strengths within myself.  After all, I believe growth happens when I look deep inside myself and am able to view myself with a different lens.  

So..what makes YOU feel strong?

Humanness

I must admit something out loud today.  On paper. 

I am HUMAN.

I am "imperfect, flawed and ordinary" - in the words of Trudy Archambeau.

Therefore, I make mistakes.  I mess up.  I sin.  I err.  I fail and fail miserably.

It's another one of those things I have learned about myself and for some reason at times it is VERY hard to admit.

Being human sometimes looks like me beating myself up over bad choices I have made.  Being human sometimes looks like me doing the happy dance (with little coordination) celebrating a good choice I have made.  Being human means realizing when I have come to the end of myself and I CAN'T.  (Not that I won't try -- cause I was wired to try and try and try again.)  Can't = the realization that whatever I am attempting is beyond my capabilities (like lifting 100 pound bags of anything).

In my life I have had plenty of time to look back at past choices (good and bad)  and see the path that came from making them.  I can trace how my life path changed because of this or that action.  I can look back and feel sadness or joy.  Either one makes me contemplate.  I will be very honest here and say that I have a tendency to focus on the negative choices I have made over the years.   I wonder what life would be like if I hadn't made the choices I have.  Some decisions were "worse" than others in my mind...but alas, that is the human speaking in me.  Errors are errors.  There is no small or big error.  It's an error.  Good choices are good choices.  Bad choices are bad choices. 

In wanting to be healthy and move forward in my life, I need to remember not to" cling to the past mistakes no matter how much time I spent making them" (Dr. Laura).  I see the mistake.  I know the mistake.  I lived the mistake.  I chose the mistake.  I acknowledge my part of them.  I even confess and take responsibility  (whatever that might look like) for my choice.  Then, I need to remember -- LOOK FORWARD and MOVE ON working at not to repeating the same mistake.  I can't cling to the mistake I made 25 years ago -- if I did how healthy would I be?  I wouldn't be healthy at all.  I believe nothing is gained from reliving the past over and over and over.  So that being said, I am learning there is a time and place, alas, a season for everything. (Ecclesiastes 3 - or in the days of the old 45's - I would play that record over and over - the  song Turn! Turn! Turn! By THE BYRDS). 

There is a time for everything.  EVERYTHING.  That means the opposite of my previous paragraphs are true.  I can't dwell on past choices that have brought me joy either.  I can't cling to them...and hold them in high esteem and not move forward.  I cannot relive the past and be stuck in that one grand moment.  It is time for new thoughts.  New experiences.  New horizons.  New joys.  New paths created by my choices or making good choices to stay on the same path.  I need to acknowledge my part in them.  Confess them.  Acknowledge they are a part of my life path and MOVE ON.

For me, growth looks like accepting my humanness...the negative AND the positive.

Being a parent - reflections for Mother's Day 2015

I have learned this lesson well over the past 17.6 years....parenting is not for the faint of heart.  When the babies first come it takes every ounce of physical strength you have to push them into this world...and every ounce of physical strength as they tire you out by eating around the clock.  :)  Then as they grow, it takes every ounce of self-control not to succumb to their one track mind -  ME FIRST.  Adolescence brings on a whole new set of challenges as they are testing their wings (not fully formed) to fly.  This time of life takes every ounce of creative discipline, unconditional tough love, focus and tireless consistency. 

There is a saying "It was the best of times and the worst of times."  I fully understand that saying now that I have three teenagers in the house.  I think I have heard it all in the past three years.  Rarely does anything surprise me that they say or do. There are days when you feel loved, but their choices keep you up at night.  There are nights when you rest well, but your strength is gone by 7am after you try and get them to school on time.  There are times when you wonder if you are teaching them what they need to know to be productive, respectful, God-fearing citizens of this world.  You wonder if you have done enough or too much or not enough for them.  You pray and try not to worry, but you do anyway.  You read parenting books and articles year round hoping to find something that will help you connect and be a better parent.  All your energy goes first to them.  Your thoughts, your choices, your actions put their well-being at the forefront.

Before you have kids, nobody tells you of this marathon you must endure.  They tell you of only the easy, the cute, and the good things.  You don't realize what is coming...and it's probably a good thing you don't because if it were broadcasted how hard parenting is no one would have kids!  LOL. 

Parenting can lift your spirits unlike anything else or make your spirit sink lower than the black hole is deep.  There is great joy and great sadness.   The job comes with extreme emotions swinging like a pendulum.  Children are the light of your life and the challenge of a lifetime. 

I cherish our kids...even in the hard times when I want to sell them at a yard sale for free.  I wouldn't trade them for anyone else's kids even when I'm so bone weary I can't speak complete sentences.  I endure.  I press on.  I protect and instruct and enjoy....day after day being thankful for each moment I have them in my home.

Why is the option of giving up not an option when it comes to parenting? 

Because I know the day is coming when I  will wake up and not have to get them on the bus anymore.  I will not have to pack lunches or add money to their lunch accounts.  There will be no more homework to harp on.  No more parent teacher conferences.  No crazy chauffeuring here or there.  No more cheering at games or events.  No friends dropping by or making the meal stretch to feed more than it was intended.  The days are coming when I will get a raise because they have their own car insurance.  I know that there are days coming when I won't hear someone banging on the bathroom door yelling, "Don't take all the hot water!!"  There are days coming when my car will be in the driveway and I won't wonder if someone has left enough gas in it so I can to get to work the next day.  There are days coming when I will miss their hugs because they will be out on their own living their lives apart from me.

I realize that I won't stop being a parent just because they left the house and the next phase might be even harder than this one.  So for now, I endure and love them and bite my tongue and love them and enforce consequences and love them and find creative ways to let them know the universe doesn't revolve around them and love them... even when I am exhausted and at my wits end  and out of creative resources.   For me, I would choose no other option.

Parenting is not for the faint of heart.

Pain Scale

I found this pain scale at my orthopedic doctor's office and it made me think.  Number one, I was drawn to the little faces that try to express the words to describe how a person might feel when one is in pain.  ( I like pictures as well as words.)   Number two, it got me thinking about the pain in my own life and if I could relate to what it described.   Of course, this little scale is describing physical pain.  I have had a few experiences with physical pain....from stepping on a nail as a kid...to a having the branch of a tree puncture my eyeball...to two root canals....to a frozen shoulder...to aches and pains after physical labor...to childbirth.  I could rate all of those incidents on the scale...with childbirth (without an epidural) and the exacerbation of the frozen shoulder in certain movements right up there at a 10. 

My mind then went beyond physical pain.   In my opinion there are three categories of pain:  physical, emotional and what I would call spiritual pain.  In my own life I have experienced all three of those types of pain.  I have experience emotional injuries from relationships that have sent me down a dark spiral into depression and grief.  My faith has been severely tested and I believe I have experienced what is called the "dark night of the soul" where I have lost my hope and faith and have ached inside my soul.  In looking at the scale above and modifying it for emotional pain, I believe that I have experienced a 10 on the emotional and spiritual pain scale, too.

Having spent my whole life interacting with people of all shapes, sizes, ages and abilities in many circumstances, in work and in my personal life, I have had the opportunity to  observe people who are in pain.  I have observed all three types of pain.  Some people are able to cope with their pain and continue to live life as positively as they can.  Others I have observed are crippled by their pain - stopped in their tracks.  They can focus on nothing but the pain and life seems to stop for them.  Sometimes it stops for a short season.  For others, they are paralyzed where they once were productive.

Thinking about that leads me to questions such as:  What makes some people push through their chronic pain?  What makes some people who have chronic or intermittent pain not be able to continue to live life?  What drives each type of person and where do I fit in those two generalized categories?  I know where I WANT to fit.  I want to be a survivor.  I want to be not just one who survives, but one who lives life fully even in the midst of the pain.  I want to affect those around me positively.  I don't want to be a complainer.   I want to be someone who doesn't give up.  I want to have hope until the day I die that things will improve...the pain will lessen or even one day disappear.

I don't have the answers.  I have no idea how others cope with the pain they experience other than I observe them adapt and accept and continue to move forward.  Does moving forward mean I don't have pain?  No.  Does it mean that I downplay the emptiness or spiritual darkness I experience?  No.  It doesn't mean that I ignore the pain and pretend it doesn't exist.  It means I continue to live.  I continue to pray.  I continue to believe that God is working on my behalf and sees my struggles.  I read the Scriptures.  I read or listen to topics that bring hope.  I lean on those that come around me for support and am thankful when someone reaches out to me and calls or sends a note or text.  It means I seek help for my pain whether it be in physical, emotional or spiritual therapy.  It means that I search for something good...even if seems small and minute.  It means that I remain thankful that I am still breathing and able to see the beautiful sunrise for another day.  In doing so, I cope.  I accept.  I live - and sometimes the pain dissipates or I become strong enough to more forward IN SPITE of it.

The Waiting Room

I have discovered that I am an impatient person.  I think it goes hand in hand with that Control Freak problem I spoke of last week.  Sometimes I don't want to wait.  I want what I want when I want it and why should I have to wait???

Breathe.  Out.   In.  Slowly. 

So much of my life has been about waiting.  I don't get what I want (and sometimes I thank God that I don't) or in the time frame that I want it in or the way that I want it.  Contrary to the popular belief of our children -- adults don't always get what they want!

 If I have learned nothing else in the past four years it has been that there is great value in waiting patiently.  There is value in taking a step back and breathing in and out and noticing how deep my breath is.  There is value in taking time and not rushing ahead with my first response and action to a situation.   There is value in waiting and seeing how things play out - whatever that might look like.   There is value in holding my tongue and being still and listening first.

I love directing things -- the choir comes to mind here.  I love getting everyone on the same page musically and pulling the same dynamics and musicality out of them so that they are headed in the right direction.  Directing a choir is one of my greatest joys after the hard work of learning the music is done.  I watch the singers and inspire with my eyes and hands and movements while keeping time.  Pulling more from my singers than they ever expected of themselves is one of my greatest joys. 

But alas, in the waiting room I can't direct, orchestrate, push, prod or control.  I have found I must use patience.

Does that mean life stops while I am waiting for the "next thing"?  No, a good coping strategy is to continue to live life.  Move forward....step by step...moment by moment...day by day...but don't look too far ahead or live in "what if land".  When I do this I find that there is growth in the waiting room.  I develop a tolerance for the silence and the slower pace in the waiting.   I find that there can be peace in the waiting if I don't try to direct or control or orchestrate or push or prod the timeline.

I am also finding that the waiting room requires more.  More sleep than usual.  More "me" time than usual.  More slow walks - not for exercise but for reflecting, breathing, thinking, clearing my thoughts and worries.  A different kind of music to be played.  It requires a bit more ice cream, too.  :)  It requires a different type of kindness to myself which helps the stress of the waiting drain away - even at intervals or for a time.  It's not easy, but it's possible.

To be or not to be....a Control Freak

There are many lessons to be learned as we journey along life's path.  Big lessons - small lessons...there is something to be learned from all of them.  Some things we learn from negative experiences.  Some things we learn from positive experiences.  Any moment is a teaching moment if we look for the lesson.  I was listening to a book this week and the author's idea was along the same lines in reference to a piece of clothing that was bought but never worn.  She indicated that it was okay that it was never worn, for she learned that she really didn't like that style or how it made her feel after she bought it.  She brought it into her home and it taught her something.  I like the aspect that anything in our lives can be used to teach us something whether it be what we like or what we don't like.

Years ago I started a list of things I have learned about myself.  I add to it as I discover things about myself.  Reviewing it from time to time sheds more light on who I am becoming as I grow in my life's journey.  At the top of my list is a lesson that I wish I had learned long ago.  It is a lesson that resurfaces over and over in my life especially as I interact with people in my sphere of influence and especially as I parent our children.  

The lesson is this: 

No matter how much I want to or try --

 I cannot control the actions and responses of others.

I cannot control their words.

I cannot control how they respond to me.

I cannot control how they show/do not show their love for me.

I cannot control their decisions.

I cannot control their thoughts.

There are times that I want to make things in my life fall within my plan.  I want to tell people what to do and make them do what I want them to do.  I want to make them think along the same lines as me.   I want them to have the same views, believe as I do, behave as I do or behave as I expect them to behave! 

Growth has made me realize how narrow-minded my wish has been.  What in the world makes me think that I have the best way?  What makes me think that I know the best response?   There is more than one way to do things.  More than one approach.  More than one way to think.  More than one response.  More than MY way.  I am trying as I listen to others to keep an open mind -- especially when their view is not like my own.  I am working on letting them be who they are and letting me be me.  Diversity brings color and interest, depth and introspection that I haven't gained in my experiences.

This lesson applies to all parts of my life.  I am learning to release the need to control and to accept that I don't have to be in control and it is okay that I am not.  When I feel the urge well up inside me to control someone or their response I try to ask myself questions:  Why do I feel like I need to control this situation, response, person, et cetera?  Why can't I just let them be themselves and appreciate their view?  These questions bring deeper realization of myself as I analyze the controlling urge within myself and they are helping to curb the desire in me to change those who disagree with me.  I am not perfect in this yet, but am working hard to be less controlling of others and to eliminate the WANT to control others. 

 What is the lesson I am learning?

The only person I truly have control over is myself.

"It is only through labor and painful effort, by grim energy and resolute courage, that we move on to better things." — Theodore Roosevelt

What Hinders Resonance

In my last post I explored the surface of acknowledging that resonance is created in my life through my communication and the way I live my life.  Moving further, in this post I want to explore what hinders resonance in my life.

Returning  to the examples of what happens in my music studio,  I'll start with the piano because that is the easiest one to explain and imagine.  I described in the last post how the strings resonate and overtones vibrate and resonate if the strings are left unhindered by the felts.  The felts are controlled by a pedal under the piano.  Once the pedal is pressed, the felts rise and every string is free to resonate as a note is played.  A vibrancy of sound and life can be heard and even felt.  Then as I lift my foot, the felts on the strings fall between and surround each string hampering the vibrations.  Only the uppermost octave which does not have dampers (because the strings are shorter) are left to vibrate.  The ear doesn't detect the vibrations as easily on the higher strings as on lower sounding strings. 

I describe that picture so that you can see that I get to control what vibrates.  I choose when I want to give the strings freedom to vibrate and resonate and I choose when to stop the vibration.  On an instrument it's pretty cut and dry.

When you move into the land of the sung resonation, the world shifts.  Sometimes we don't even recognize what hinders the tone from resonating.  It could be many things:  lack of space, lack of support, too much support or physical restrictions impeding the airflow just to name a few.  It takes concentration and awareness of one's own instrument to narrow down what is restricting the vibrancy of the tone and make the changes necessary to restore vibrancy.

I love both examples as I think they both apply to what I call our "life resonance".  Sometimes, we don't feel like resonating with anyone and we shut it down on purpose.  We let the damper pedal do it's work and we choose to cut off the flow of vibrancy within us.  Other times, we try and try to communicate a certain level of energy or connection and we cannot figure out why in the world we aren't coming across to others as we desire.  That leads me to ask what restricts our "life resonance"?  The words in the box above are just a few that describe obstructions to resonance.    As I look at the list, these words not only block resonance, but also can restrict RECEIVING the resonance of someone -but that is for another day's thoughts!

Fear, distractions, anger, closed-mindedness, pain, stress, legalism, tension, impatience, weariness and pushing or forcefulness can be restrictors to open resonation.  They distract us from allowing the balance of the breath, spirit, and open vibration of the tones of our spirit to resonate to those around us.  Personally, fear is a restrictor in my life.  Worrying about what others might think, how I will be received, am I on the right track (whatever that might look like or be)  and a myriad of other negative self-talk squashes my resonance in one fail swoop.  I am slowly learning how to keep that damper pedal depressed so that my fear doesn't override my resonance.  I find that I feel the most healthy emotionally, physically and spiritually when I refrain from giving power to my fears.  I am more self-confident to be who I was created to be if I don't surrender the power of my resonance to fear.

I am learning resonation is a choice.  Consciously or unconsciously my "life resonance" is restricted by my thought patterns and actions.  Sometimes I am not aware of the problem and have to go searching for which restrictor is blocking my openness.  On other days I know full well which control is in place.  My goal is to resonate fully, positively, bringing out the best in those whom I come in contact with in my journey.  I want to stand on one side of the room and for others to feel the positive openness of my "life resonance". 

So this leads me to ask myself frequently and ask you, my fellow sojourner....What blocks your resonation?  Which limits  do you allow to control or are controlling your "life resonance"?

Resonance

ˈrezənəns

the quality in a sound of being deep, full, and reverberating.

"the resonance of his voice"

the ability to evoke or suggest images, memories, and emotions.
"the concepts lose their emotional resonance"
 

(Pasted from <https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=definition%20of%20resonance>) 

There is so much to say on this topic, I am going to break this down into two days of writings.  It makes my head swim to think of the ramifications of resonance in my life.  Today, I'll take on thinking through the positives of resonance.  Later, I'll explore what might hinder resonance in our lives.

I think of resonance all the time as a musician.  As a vocal teacher, I have the opinion that the ability to create resonance  is one of the qualities that sets one vocalist apart from the other.  I work a lot with my students on being aware of  the sound they are creating and what it feels like/sounds like when they are resonating fully.  When they resonate fully there is a richness, a depth to the sound that makes you want to hear more.  I also have to consider what impedes resonance and not only try to explain that to my students but demonstrate it as well.

As a pianist, I know that if I play a single note on my acoustic piano, push the damper pedal down and listen carefully, I can hear the overtones of that note vibrating on other strings.  One single note affecting multiple strings around it.  There is a scientific explanation for that, but I don't want to go down that road right now.  If I release the damper pedal, the felts fall onto the strings and I am left with the resonance of one single note as long as that one note is held down.

That knowledge brings me to where my thoughts are this morning on resonance in our lives.  What overtones are created in those around me as I live my life?  Am I even aware of the effect I have on others?  What dampens and impedes my resonance into the lives of those around me? 

How we interact with others creates resonance.  Your persona creates resonance.  Motivation is resonance.  I believe  body language and facial expression create unvoiced resonance.  Words and tone create resonance.  Style creates resonance.  You have heard the phrase "She/he brings out the best/worst in me."  That is resonance. 

I have come to believe that in life inner resonance will shine through if someone journeys with you long enough.  Inner resonance cannot be hidden for long.  One can throw up road blocks, take on another image, speak in certain ways or do things to fit into specific surroundings, but that deep inner resonance will shine through even those actions.

What could resonance look like to those around us?  Here might be just a few words to describe what resonance might look like or even feel like:  "affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity, a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people, loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life and an ability to marshal and direct our energies wisely." (Gal 5:22-23 MSG)

"When people of similar frequencies come together, output is not a simple sum of individual work, but exponential.  In science we term this phenomenon as resonance.  Output at this state is beyond any logical limit."  - Ravindra Shukla, A Maverick Heart:  Between Love and Life

Resonance looks like many things in my life.  I challenge myself with the thought that it is possible that every encounter someone has with us...has the possibility to resonate something within them.  I pause to reflect on that statement because of the sheer power of the words.  It's more than the words I speak, but HOW I interact as my motives shine through.

What overtones am I creating with my life in the lives of those around me?