Focal point

Truth can be very harsh.   Reality can be daunting.   Caregiving long-term brings these harsh, daunting truths to life whether you want to see them or not.

I have been a "muscle through" kind of person, a never-give-up kind of person, the glass-is-half-full kind of person, there is always a plan for the plan for the plan that might fail.  Backups for the backups, as my son talks about in the computer world.  

As I mentioned in my last post, this valley where we have been residing in the last year has been overcast, dark, and very dim.  The days pass by in a filter of hazy, structured darkness or fog; almost a negative smogginess.  It's hard to focus on anything else but trying to see clearly the next thing that crosses my path.

I know my role in this valley time:  to give loving care on any level needed, render aid and assistance at all times, think for, act for, protect, respond, adjust, be flexible, be proactive, advocate, remember everything...and the list goes on.  I'm never off "the clock."

Day after day -- the role never changes and that is where the weariness sets in and sucks the positivity and joy out of me.  Everything, every decision and action is filtered through the lens of what is best for the person dying.  One easily loses their own joy, zest for living, and life, as the memory of what life was like before becomes lost in the fog of what is and is to come.

Friends get tired of hearing of the darkness....and how small the world around me has become.  It almost seems like the mountains are moving closer together on some days:  and the valley gets narrower and narrower.  Life for others keeps moving forward....and here in the valley of the shadow of death -- time seems to slow down.  Every day is a "Groundhog Day" of taking vitals, talking with medical professionals, scheduling appointments, driving to appointments, trying to figure out if there is anything left in their magic bags of medicine to help.

A harsh reality exists when the magic bag of tricks is empty or doesn't exist anymore.

As a wife, I am torn inside my mind and heart with what I see:  the daily, excruciatingly slow, impending decline.  Life has changed for both of us.  Gone is the person that I married.  The disease robs me of that person.  He looks at me, and I am the same -- but different -- if he remembers anything about who I really am.  I look at him, and he is not the same in any way, except the color of his eyes.  

The knowledge there is nothing left to "fix" is the daily reality and what life is right now...

Each day reveals the struggle is that disease is winning....not just in him, but in me too.

I can't let it take me too.

Finding the strength to fight for my own survival when I'm already depleted is challenging, but I must fight because I know the length of the valley won't last forever.  Life will continue.  So searching for a glimmer of light each day is paramount, or I could get lost in the valley of the shadow.  

And that's what I fear the most.

The wind is blowing

I'm sitting in my office listening to the wind whistling and blowing through the trees outside.  Funny thing, you can only hear wind if there is resistance creating a sound:  trees, mountains, buildings, or anything standing.  We can feel the wind, but can't see it unless it has picked up particles and are blowing them around.

The winds of change are like that.  You don't see it coming.  But you sure can feel change coming or see new the new circumstance that it ushers into your life.

Today, I feel like the past couple of years has been one long windstorm.  Some days, I haven't had the energy to stand in the wind.  Some days, the wind knocked me down.  Some days I tried to stand and got buffeted and blown around like a grain of sand at the beach on windy day.  Some days, the wind's pace was a slower breeze and I could stand the pressure against me.  Rarely were there a string of peaceful, stillness.  

Ever try to fly a kite in a storm?  Kites need wind.  They need steady winds that are gentle enough to not tear the tail off the kite.  Kites don't fly in peaceful days with no breeze.

I need to remember on days that I want to soar above my circumstances, but long for days with no breeze, that kites don't fly when there is no wind.

Help! I'm stuck!

All right.  You might not know this about me, but I tend to get stuck.

After living on the farm these past two years, I think I have now found every soft spot and underground spring -- and sometimes obvious marshy places -- on the farm.  And I have a propensity to get the tractor stuck as I am mowing.

I love to mow.  I have no idea why -- but I love mowing.  Hop on the tractor, rev up the engine, turn on the blades, and mindlessly go back and forth over grass that is higher than the "acceptable length" in my eyes and create the most wonderful fragrance in the outdoor world:  fresh cut grass.

Okay....as you are groaning and I am smiling, let me get to the point of my thoughts before you run out to the garage and try to start up your mower in February.

I also love to organize.  One of my winter projects was to clean out files in my file drawers.  I only have two -- so it shouldn't be a hard task, right?  I got together all my tools -- trash bag, new file folders, and organizing tabs and clips and brought out the first huge file of paper and stopped.

Viewing the contents of the file brought back old feelings, situations, and in my mind's eye, I was right back in the old place of my journey that this paper represented.  Let me tell you this:  I got stuck. 

As I was reflecting and reading the file the questions begin to roll:  To toss or not to toss?  THAT is the question!

If I hold onto something that doesn't bring joy, what good does it do me?  What good does it do my spirit and my psyche in this new part of my journey?  Let me tell you -- deciding whether or not to toss those memories was extremely hard!  I had things dating all the way back to foreverland in that file drawer!  All kinds of questions zipped through my brain.  Did tossing the negative things stored in that drawer mean they never happened?  If I kept only the good things and I died and someone else had to go through the drawer would they think I lived a "charmed" life and not get a realistic picture of my struggles?  (Yes, that was one of the things I really thought.)  What would my life look like without certain memories in that drawer? 

As hard as I could, I tried to equate cleaning out the drawer to mowing...and not getting stuck.  I didn't want to get stuck in the bad memories or things that represented mistakes or errors in my journey.  And I realized that if I learned my lesson well, I didn't need to keep a reminder of that time.  The lesson was learned.  I needed to move on and not focus back there on that time I got stuck in the spring that I KNEW was there because I had gotten stuck the last time I rounded that area of the fence line.  I just needed to remember that the underground spring was there -- and avoid getting stuck by rehashing the last time I got stuck.   I needed to recognize when the front wheels started getting wet and stop - and back up -- and go around that area.  Lesson learned.  No need to sink in that hole again. 

Did I need files of memories to not get stuck again?  Nah. 

Realizing that I could avoid getting stuck in that same old thought process, same actions, same rehashing of old times that didn't extend grace to myself or someone else was not helping me in my footing on THIS hill I am climbing; on THIS part of my journey.   So I finally did what I needed to do and cleaned it out.

I left room for new memories -- new files -- good and bad because the cleaning process is usually not a once and done project for me.  I am always finding things I should have "thrown out" but wasn't quite ready.  Now I am ready.  Ready to see the deep grooves in the mud and not go there anymore.  Ready to recognize the rut in my thinking and speech and actions.

Ready to mow, anyone?

No matter what

I've not written for a while.  Sometimes the scope of the path doesn't allow for times of quiet reflection.  Sometimes the rocky terrain of the journey forces you to pay attention to the path at hand and reflection is forced to wait.  My journey has been like that for me in the past few months.  When that happens, however, I long for times to sit and process.  My head is full of stories, and my heart is full of emotion.  The two don't always jive, honestly, my heart and my head.  It's on days like this, where I just HAVE to process, that I find a place to sit on the path no matter what is going on around me, and no matter where I am on the path.

I choose to sit and think and feel.

At times it is overwhelming all that comes to the surface.  It is almost as if I have my feelings chart in front of me, and the assignment is to circle what I am feeling at this moment.  As I contemplate the chart, I end up circling almost every feeling in every column!

So I sit and think and feel and try to sort those feelings into truths, and drown out the stories that my mind and heart tell me which aren't true.

Being honest with myself is a gift I give to myself -- No matter what.

To be or not to be...a snake.

Okay,  literally I am shocked to admit this  -- I have come to the conclusion I'd rather be a snake than a butterfly.  Let me tell you why.

I liken my personal journey as a growth process.   I have so much to learn not only about me, but about those around me and how I am in relationship to them.  I learn something new daily and am trying very hard to put into practice what I am learning.  I love learning about all kinds of things, but this learning curve at times has been so steep I have needed ice climbing cleats!  I look at it as a never-ending process for I will never learn everything and that's okay.  The point is, I enjoy the process of learning.  I enjoy the "aha" moment and the understanding it brings to my awareness.  Learning makes me feel alive.  Boredom doesn't exist on my path.

Anyway, back to the snake and the butterfly.  Paul and I have visited the Butterfly room in the Houston Museum of Science (VERY cool and worthwhile if you are ever in the area) a few times now.  You walk into the room and there are butterflies flitting everywhere!  There are all colors, shapes and kinds of butterflies all over the room -- swooping, resting, flitting, teasing.  It is a wonderful place and you can sit in there for hours on end just watching them fly all around.  You see chrysalises  hanging from leaves and know that more are on their way into the world.  It's a beautiful, fun place to be.

Two weeks ago I was weeding my flower beds and was surprised by a garden snake slithering in the grass next to me.  I jumped up and said -- "Well, hello there -- you just stay on your side and I'll stay on mine." -- to which he curled up under the rose bush and did promptly that.  I kept on weeding -- keeping my eye on him.  Also that week I had found a couple baby snakes in the basement.  (Yikes!)  Now they were smaller than the big snake, but I am a firm believer that all snakes belong outside, not inside the house.  I quickly call out to one of my snake charmers (Paul, Isaac, or Joel) who come to my rescue by picking up the snake and throwing it outside.  (Phew!) 

Being an outdoorsy kind of gal I have come across my share of snake skins.  They always freak me out a little bit, but I understand that the snake just doesn't fit in its coat anymore and must shed it if it's to keep growing.

On the other hand, the butterfly does almost the same thing by coming out of its chrysalis but with one difference.  The butterfly gets one shot at growth, lives for about two weeks and then dies.  The snake, however, keeps shedding when it grows and lives on to keep on growing.

My friends, I don't want a one shot chance at growth no matter how beautiful the change might make me.  I want to be like the snake who sheds the old dead habits and leaves them behind only to keep on growing and learning and shedding.

So, what would you rather be like? 

Out of focus?

I love the picture above.  Let me tell you why.  I think the pond on our farm is one of the most relaxing places to hang out.  You hear the breeze blow through the pines, the birds dive around the water looking for bugs and food -- and you occasionally hear the fish plop back into the water as they make a break for the sunshine.   There are no chores at the pond (Okay-- I take that back.  The dock could use a good sanding) that cannot be overlooked for the moments that you spend there. 

The main reason I love the picture though is not just because of its restful setting.  The main reason I love this photo because of how the photo is focused on the foreground.  The photo reminds me -- sometimes the scope of my thinking and perspective is all about what I focus on.

I must admit, lately I've been in a dry spell that has zapped my creative thinking.  Sometimes the ADL's (activities of daily living) of life overwhelm the creative energy that one can have.  It's spring at the farm -- which means there is grass and pastures to be mowed, gardens to plant, weed and tend, and flower beds to cultivate and mulch added to the normal activities of horse stall cleaning, grooming, groundwork and riding, pigeon breeding season and loft management as well as household chores, parenting and feeding my flock.  :)    I am not complaining about any of those activities I just listed for I love each one  (really, I truly don't mind the mowing or stall cleaning) -- it's just that my full life just gets a bit fuller when the weather is beautiful and there is much to be done outside.  I love being outside.

The dry spell surfaces when I don't take the time to be still with my own thoughts, a piece of paper and pencil.  The dry spell comes when my focus is on all the doing and the focus is clear and sharp in that area.   The dry spell stays when I forget that I have the power to zoom in -- or out.  My days add up to the choices I make each day and when I forget to make the choice to focus on creativity -- that is when the creative oasis seems far away.

I once heard the idea that "Good things keep you from the greatest thing."  I have come to tweak and expand that quote a bit -- for my own healthy living.  I say, "Good things can keep you from excellent things." 

None of those things in my list of ADL's are bad.  In fact, they are all good things.  They help out the family and bring me joy in doing them.  However, when I do good things -- and leave no room for expansion -- those good things can keep me from perhaps what might become excellent.  The focus that is now on the foreground -- might be missing something wonderful in the background.

I know if you've read my blog at all in the past two years you find that I think a lot about focus and perspective.  I am growing in that area as I journey along life's path.  I think our perspectives and what we choose to focus on lends us power.  Not power over people -- but power over our lives.  We see choices that we might never have seen before -- or see the ability to make decisions that we never thought we could make.   When I realize there are choices in my journey, it makes me feel liberated and opens up paths I might never have noticed.

The beauty of focus. 

Now do you see why I like the photo?

I can see clearly now....

Today I had my eyes dilated.  

One thing you probably don't know about me is that when I was a toddler I had an eye injury that almost took my sight in my right eye.  Every eye doctor who has looked in my eye since that time has said the same thing, "WOW!  Look at that!  What happened to you?  THAT'S AMAZING -- you are one lucky girl that you can even see anything out of that eye."  They go on and on as they look at the scars and pigment floating inside my eye and the jagged scar across the outer lens of my eye.  Today was no different.

You see, I have vision in both eyes -- not good vision, but I am able to see.  I am GRATEFUL for corrective lenses for without them my world would be one big blur.  When things are blurry and out of focus constantly you end up second guessing yourself, your judgment, your thoughts -- basically everything around you.  Your depth perception is non-existent -- field of vision -- peripheral vision -- nothing is clear.  Your world turns gray and dark as you try to feel your way around -- counting steps -- choosing the familiar.

Today as I stepped out of the ophthalmologist's office all I could think was WOW!  It's a bright, bright world out here! I had to head back into the building to find my sunglasses in my bag, put them on and then head out once again into the brightness of the day.  The thing is today is actually a very cloudy day.  No sunshine, no shadows -- just heavy cloud cover. Most people would say it's a gray overcast day -- yuck.  I might even have said that -- as I went into the office.  Coming out of the office, however, my mindset had completely changed.

Isn't that funny how a single event can change your perspective?  

Maybe you had three choices -- and now only two -- and what was less in your perspective just became more.  Maybe you were almost run over -- and your perspective on life shifted so that you are thankful for living one more day.  Maybe what used to be important -- just faded into the background as you are choosing to live in this moment -- not past moments.  

I know I have spoken a lot about perspective.  That's because mine is changing.  I hope you will bear with me while I share.

There is so much in one's life that can change in an instant.  We tend to gravitate towards those "events" in our lives:  the close calls; the missed calls; the opportunities not taken.  We focus on what could have been rather than what IS.  Today, I want to choose to be grateful for what IS.  Not only do I choose to be grateful for what IS --but WHO is.

I am grateful for those who choose to be present with me.  I am grateful for those who choose to show me that they love me and work to include me in their circle of influence.  I am grateful for those people who respond to my friendship, laugh with me, and spend time with me.  Being grateful for those around me helps keep my focus outward, but I am also learning to be grateful for me.  

Me.  

My thoughts, my feelings, my weirdness.  Me.

Some people would call that narcissism.  Some would call it selfishness.

Others call it self-love.  Positive self-esteem.  Positive regard for oneself.

See, I'm learning to regard myself as someone who counts.  Someone who has worth.  Someone who has value and who might not be like E.F. Hutton, but who might have a nugget here and there to share.  I am learning that there is nothing wrong with thinking such things or saying such things because I still know where I came from and who my Maker is.  Trust me -- learning positive self-talk is not an easy thing for me.  I struggle with self-love.  It's much easier to love others than myself.

I think I need to remember to look at myself through dilated pupils every day.  I need to remember those close calls, but not stop there.  I need to let them open a world of not only what IS, but WHO IS.

Growing pains: thoughts on feelings

Whenever I think of the word "feelings"  my mind automatically goes to the first five words of the song "Feelings by Louis Gasté, 1973.  "Feelings, nothing more than feelings..."

WOW.  That's a blast from the past, isn't it? 

Embedded in my memory are those five words and the tune.  In my journey of late, this is the area I am concentrating on.  Let me admit to you -- this is hard work. 

Now, as you read this, you might think:  "You are a woman.  All you have are feelings and you are in tune with them being of the female gender."  I will admit.  I  have feelings, but I am not always in tune with them.  That's the problem.

Oftentimes it's hard to even put into words what I am feeling, so I have taken to carrying around a feelings chart I found online.   Words mean things to me -- and being able to identify what is passing through my mind and heart and spirit is meaningful to me -- and hard work.  In the past, I have buried my feelings until they have come up and out like a volcano (not always in a positive manner).  Now, on this leg of my journey, I am understanding that healing and moving forward means acknowledging what I am feeling and speaking it.   Good, bad, or ugly -- name it.  Don't judge it.  Name it.

Now this might sound kooky -- but  am beginning to practice naming things.  I look around and see things and name them.  Then I ask myself -- how does that thing, person, event -- whatever I named -- make me feel in this moment.  Not what it made me feel in the past.  Not what it might feel like tomorrow -- but right now.  The words I use go beyond your basic feeling words of sad, happy, angry -- and become more specific:  joyful, disappointed, loving, valuable, confused, and so on.

Blogging these very thoughts makes me feel vulnerable.

I believe that being able to name what I am feeling, not what I am thinking (which comes much easier for me), is part of my healing.  It is part of beginning to trust myself and others.  It is part of recognizing who I was created to be.  It is the foundation of being able to love in the agape way.  I want to grow in my relationships and in order to do that, the growth starts with me.

My therapist gave me homework.  I am to start thinking about and finish the following statement: 

"I feel _____________, when you _______________.  I need _______________." 

This is one of the hardest homework assignments I have ever done.  To not only have to NAME my feeling but to point out what brought that feeling on -- AND say aloud what I need (which is also extremely hard for me to voice) is exhausting.  It also is freeing.  It is teaching me I can acknowledge how I am feeling and what brought that feeling on  without laying blame -- and also frees me to say what I need in that moment.

I am experiencing growing pains.  This journey isn't all about smelling the roses.  Sometimes the path gets muddy and I have to get stuck in the mud and lose my shoes before moving forward out of the pit to more solid ground.

No longer and not yet

As a music teacher, part of my job is to teach rhythm.  For many students the notes come easy and the rhythm is hard.  For others, the rhythm comes naturally and learning the notes is a battle.   I love teaching rhythm.  I teach the student to verbalize the rhythm, clap it, tap it and play it.  It is easy to make games and make learning fun.  After awhile I let the students tap out the rhythms on their own, looking at a pattern of notation.  I find that one of the hardest things are for students to observe the rests in the pattern.

Silence is a powerful tool in music.  The space between sounds and notes can make one hungry for more.  It can make also make an impact leaving time for one to think about what has come before the rests.  Rests of any length create an energy, stopping the flow of sound.  Without the rests music would not stop from beginning to end.

I have learned a lot about myself in the past couple years.  I actually keep a list to review for a couple reasons:  one, because there has been much to absorb and two, it is hard to remember everything and keep it fresh.  Learning and integrating what I have learned takes reminders.  I have found not all lessons are learned the first time.  Not all characteristics are noted cognitively and internalized in one circumstance.  Not all emotions can be analyzed until the tide of emotion has gone out and thinking has taken place in a more peaceful moment.  Sometimes it takes repeated tries for a new skill or awareness to sink in.  Being human can be frustrating (spoken like  a closet perfectionist)!

One thing I have learned about myself is that I can be impatient much like some of my music students and not want to honor the space between no longer and not yet in my life.

So much can happen in that space.

Processing.  Peace.  Breathing.  Sleep.  Joy.  Being mindful.  Listening.  Forgiveness.  Acceptance.  Silence. 

If I get impatient or excited and want to move to the next thing, or shorten the period of rest to a shorter rest than what is deserved, then I miss the impact that the rest can have in me.  I not only will miss the impact, but might not learn the entire lesson I need to learn.  I am learning that a fermata (a hold) over the rest, the space that is between what was and what will be is something that doesn't stop the growth in my life, but accelerates how cognizant I become of what I am learning.  Resting allows me to be mindful of the lesson and gives me the time to integrate what I am learning.  It forces to me wait on my myself or others and not move on to the new thought, the new habit, the new issue that needs to be addressed.

Some people call this place the waiting room.  Some people call this a plateau.  Some call it a rest.  I call it the place between what was and what is yet to be.  Regardless of what you call it...the value of honoring that space is undeniable.

Bit by bit

You can say that I have been on a lifetime journey to discover things about myself.   

Reading and hearing the stories of other people make me wonder how they got from point A to point B or learned C, D and E.  Understanding is high on my priority list.  I want to understand who I study.  I study a lot.  I really enjoy studying, in fact.  If you are called, my friend -- I have studied and probably am currently studying you as we talk and share, laugh and connect.  Why do I study people?  I learned from a wise person long ago that everyone has a story and we connect through those stories.  I love to connect and one can learn a lot about people and yourself if you focus on story.

In the past decade of my life I have intentionally been studying myself along with others.  It's amazing what you can learn about yourself when the microscopic or panoramic lens is turned towards yourself.  It's like taking a millions "selfies" of your thoughts, emotions, feelings and actions and trying to connect the dots...and seeing the historical change in who you are or realizing what you thought you were sharing isn't at all what you were portraying.  It's been an interesting journey full of twists, turns, potholes, valleys, hills and flats.  

I guess what I'm trying to say is introspection is valuable.  One wise friend I have said to me once after I posted a quote of someone else on my FB page, "Why don't you post YOUR thoughts?"  Well...that got me thinking.  Why didn't I post my own thoughts?  Why did I constantly quote others?  Maybe...it was my low self-esteem shining through believing that I didn't have any worthwhile thoughts to share.  Maybe it was that I didn't think anyone was interested in my thoughts.  Maybe it was that it was faster and easier to grab someone else's quote than to sit and figure out what I thought in the first place.  Maybe I was taught it was selfish to focus on yourself and to use your own words...and it was "less-selfish" to quote others.  I was raised that selfishness isn't a good thing.

What I have discovered though, in this quest, this journey of self-discovery and how God made me -- is that in my opinion it isn't at all selfish to understand yourself and how God created me.  Studying my emotions and figuring out why in the world I am feeling what I am feeling at that moment in time is about as selfish as studying my horses so I can understand them and care for them well.  Formulating opinions and thoughts take energy and time.  Bit by bit, step by step the journey continues and invaluable lessons are learned. 

When you can love yourself as your Creator loves you, it opens the door to loving others in a way that you have never loved before.  

Do more...

I saw this thought on my friend's FB page for her business and it struck a chord with me.  See, I have lived with someone who takes photos...when there are no photos to take except of herself.  I have also been the one to document the lives of my children in family - from behind the camera.  I love photos...I am a visual person.  I just organized over 2000 photos on my drive from the past few years (Way too many, I know!)   I also love words that create pictures...a good story grabs me from the start.

But as I saw this quote...it struck a chord in my heart.  Do more...participate in life....connect with those who are within touching range.

Yes, I have friends who aren't within touching range...some of them are the best friends of my life.  I keep connected through the phone and words and pictures and letters and cards...because I can't see them in person.  However, when I DO see them in person, I want to seize the moments...and remember...document them by A photo or two --- and let the rest be in my memory.  

I want to remember this while I am in my family room with the boys, sitting on the porch with my husband, visiting with friends for a weekend, or just sitting outside listening to the birds sing while the sun is setting.  I want to remember that the here and now escapes...and it is lost forever unless I notice and participate in what is going on around me.

Now, I'm not going to abandon the camera -- or my phone and throw them out the window.  What I want to do, though, is to be more intentional about living...not more intentional about documenting life around me.  Thoughts for today...

Why do we avoid endings?

This week I have been thinking about endings.  I have been wondering a few things so I will put them in first person:  one -- why do I struggle finalizing the end of things -- projects, papers, tasks, et cetera?  two -- why do I think there is something still left to salvage when there is a clear need for more??  three -- why do I not like to say good-bye?  four -- why do I fear endings?

I find it hard to finalize projects because in my mind there is always more -- more to learn, more to perfect, more to strive for, more to write, more to think, more to discuss, more to catch..fill in the blank, more.  It's not the thought that it's not good enough - there is just MORE.  I can hold that note longer, have more resonance, find the perfect piece of art for that spot, make the recipe a little better, gain more confidence, find the connection more deeply....there is always MORE.

There is a part of me that doesn't think on empty -- I look at a glass with a few swallows of water in it as a waitress comes by and asks if I want more -- and I think to myself -- no, my glass isn't empty!  I don't need a refill yet.  It's the same feeling with leftovers -- if there is anything left - why make something new until you have eaten what is left from before?  If there is one more paper on that notepad...don't throw it away -- use it before you open a new one.  One more tissue - one more squeeze of toothpaste...you get the idea.

I find it hard to finalize projects because in my mind there is always more -- more to learn, more to perfect, more to strive for, more to write, more to think, more to discuss, more to catch..fill in the blank, more.  It's not the thought that it's not good enough - there is just MORE.  I can hold that note longer, have more resonance, find the perfect piece of art for that spot, make the recipe a little better....there is always MORE.

Then my mind goes to good-byes.  I would rather say "See you soon!"  "See you later!"  "Until next time!" than say "Good-bye!".  This is something I am noticing in myself that I wonder about.  Good-bye seems final.  Good-byes to people that I love, are just plain hard.  Closing down my studio time after time of moving from place to place to start again has been just plain hard.  Seeing friendships wax and wane -- is a form of good-bye and is hard.  Remember those seasons of life I spoke of in earlier posts? Sometimes, I want the season for a lifetime -- my lifetime.  Not the natural lifetime of the other person, thing, flower...et cetera.  I ask myself -- is it selfish of me to not want things to end?  Or am I afraid?

Maybe I don't like endings because I am a natural born planner (working on spontaneity in my life) and I can't foresee or forecast the next leg of the journey.  The unknown paralyzes for a time -- until it is known...and then most of the time once I have moved into the next phase I say to myself - see?  This isn't so bad!  In fact, it's better than expected! Maybe my fear of the unknown keeps me from ending things that should have been ended long ago -- like me hanging onto certain projects that haven't been finished for years  that are stored in tubs in the basement.  Or I think about that book I still have next to my bed that I don't want to shelve because I haven't finished it but yet I pick up other books to read instead of reaching for that one night after night.  Endings.  Hmmmm....

Maybe this is what my new approach should be when it comes to good-byes or endings.  Maybe I need to replace my fear-based thinking with possibility-based thinking.  I need to remind myself that with every ending a beginning starts.

If I think in beginnings...and look forward to beginnings...then maybe the endings won't be so scary.

"Living the Dream"

In my work as a SSA hearing reporter, I sometimes travel to remote hearing sites.  At those hearing sites, the applicant (claimant) and sometimes the lawyer appear at the remote site and we video-conference with the administrative law judge and expert witness and hold their appeal hearing.

At remote sites, the protocol is a bit different in that I have my own guard.  There is always a security risk when you are alone in a room with a stranger who might or might not be adversarial, so the guard is to protect and watch and hopefully their presence will prevent something bad from happening.

Anyway, I tell you this to introduce my latest thoughts on living.  There is a certain guard who has a creative answer when someone asks him how he is doing.  He answers, "I am living the dream."  He smiles as he says it, making you believe all is wonderful in his world.

I have heard his response so many times that lately one question floods into my thoughts and I want to ask him:  Whose dream are you living?

That question leads to another question:  And is that dream a pleasant dream or a nightmare?

I have a plaque that I have placed in our home and I look at it every day.  It says, "Live the life you have imagined."

Those two phrases, "Living the dream" and "Live the life you have imagined" have been ruminating inside my head now for months.

I challenged myself in the last few years to think about my life.   I have been speaking to my therapist, analyzing thoughts and motives, responses and choices.  I share my inner thoughts with a few chosen friends.  I have looked  back as far as I remember as well as to everything in the present days and what fell  between.  I have brainstormed, delved deep inside my motives and heart and processed in journals in order to reflect.  

As I have reflected upon my past, I asked myself:  What was the life I imagined myself living way back when my Cousin Becca and I were playing "secretary" or "library" on those many afternoons of imaginative play?  (Okay, we won't go into how we wore leotards on our heads in order to have long flowing hair at the time; or how we used index cards and made up our own Dewey decimal  system for our "library".) 

However, that question led me to the next question:  What is the life I now dream of living?

Which led to the next question:  Am I living that life and if not, what is it going to take to begin?

Sometimes our childhood dreams, innocent and pure, get hijacked.  They get hijacked by the expectations of others, the fear that dwells inside us,  the "oughts, musts or shoulds" that have been self-imposed or imposed by others , or dreams are limited by the resources that are available in our young lives.  Sometimes we don't trust ourselves in order to put one foot in front of the other to begin living out the dream.  Sometimes we feel it's easier to live out someone else's dream.

Now as an adult with a few years under my sandals, I see how the effects of my past choices affect my choices in the here and now.  If I let them, unrealized or half-lived dreams can affect my new dream positively or negatively.  It depends on the power and focus that I give to them.  The present dream, the life I imagine, is how I am living the here and now.  There is freedom in realizing that I have the power not only to dream and to imagine, but to LIVE the dream in my head.  Yes, there will be outside influences and circumstances that affect my dream, but the person steering the sailboat is me.  I choose to put the sails up or take them down, when to jibe and when to float along in the sea of life.   It's taken me a long time to realize that I am responsible for whose dream I am living.   I am responsible for making that dream a positive one or a living nightmare.  I am the creator and "imaginator" of the dream.  It's up to me to do the hard work not only to choose, but to live the dream I imagined.

Endings: Don't Abort! Don't Abort!

My family finished up a wonderful week at our favorite vacation spot.  Our time was near perfect to our expectations and we enjoyed every minute of being together - with the exception of the 14 hour travel time from home to our hideaway.  As we neared the end of our time away I noticed things:  none of us wanted the time to end.

Some of us got cranky and some became sad.  Some got anxious and started packing early.  Some procrastinated packing until the very last second perhaps thinking that if they put it off it might never need to happen and we could stay indefinitely.

I found that as we visited the local souvenir shop that other people seemed to have the same thought.  They were searching for that perfect token to trigger memories of the time they wanted to remember and wished would never end.

I have found that endings are often viewed as negative events.  Think of the endings you have experienced in your lifetime.  Even as a young child we experienced endings (positive or negative):  the end of crawling around when we started walking as our mode of transportation; school years ticking by; friendships change as re-locations happen; we finish great books or TV series that we have enjoyed; our first job ends; a deadline on a project ends; vacations come and go and time moves on as life offers more choices to begin new things, tasks, projects, experiences, and relationships.

Think about this thought:  "No one knew better than a gardener that life never stayed static.  Cycles were necessary, for without them there was no bloom." - Nora Roberts, In the Garden Trilogy.

I like this thought:  if not for the life cycle of each project, issue, relationship...we would not experience vibrant color and sweet fragrance that each brings to our lives.  We would miss those sweet blooms of taking vacations with family, the fragrance of life as we watch our children grow and experience life on their own, the vibrant eye-catching color of passion and romance in relationships, the showy palette of a project completed and accomplishment experienced as shade on our journey.

Endings don't have to be viewed as negative.  Within the perspective that something better is in the next bloom cycle, one can enjoy the current aesthetics of current bloom cycle and look forward to the next season at the same time.

I AM...

Today, I awoke feeling blessed.
  

• I am blessed to be married to a man who holds me even in his sleep.
• I am blessed to have three wonderful kids who are healthy and who like spending time with me (for the moment!)
• I am blessed to have grown up in a loving family and have parents who were hard workers and who taught me how to enjoy working hard.
• I am blessed to have a beautiful home to live in...with my own horses right next door.  
• I am blessed to have dreams of mine come to fruition.
• I am blessed to have good health and sleep soundly at night.
• I am blessed to be able to read, type, do arithmetic, and form semi-coherent thoughts on things.
• I am blessed to feel emotions  - joy, sadness, disappointment, you fill in the blank.
• I am blessed to live in the United States of America.
• I am blessed to have the freedom to choose and seek and explore my faith in God.

• And the list goes on and on and on.

"I am..."  -- in the next moment...the feeling of being blessed and thankful could turn into...I am -- hungry. It could turn into...I am -- happy, overwhelmed, discombobulated...it could turn into...anything really.  Recognition of feelings and emotions.  I choose what to put after the statement "I am".  

Then I think about God stating He is the I AM.  I never really thought of it like this before.  I always thought of putting a noun his statement....not adjectives for some reason.  God stating He is the I AM --  could mean there is nothing that He isn't or hasn't been (with a noun afterwards).  But if I put an adjective after his I AM, that means there is no feeling He hasn't experienced.  No emotion unfelt.  So...if by chance my personal "I am" turns negative...He can relate.  When it turns positively positive (like this morning) ...He can relate.  


I am...grateful for that truth.  So...what do you choose to put after your "I am..." today?

The Next Chapter

I have shared in my past posts that I am an avid reader.  Reading to me is like the best dessert -- an escape -- something I look forward to in my free time to open my mind to new thoughts and topics and hopefully not only escape but learn something as I read.  As I read, the more I get into the book the more I look forward to....the next chapter.  In the next chapter, the plot continues and the information I gathered in the story line culminates, furthering the journey, no matter the genre of the book. 

Today, in my life, I am very close to ending one chapter and beginning the next.  In just a couple days the transition will take place with a new Chapter Heading and life moving forward.  Am I looking forward to this chapter?  Oh yes, I definitely am.  Even so, life continues whether we want it to or not.   Alas, I am ready for the next chapter.

Thinking about the next chapter makes me think of a few things:  does looking forward to the next chapter mean that I want to totally disregard the one I am finishing?   Do I forget this chapter and all that I have lived?  No.  Not in the least.  In this chapter of my life I have made wonderful friends and positive things have happened in my family.  It has been exciting and full of changes on many levels.  I have been allowed to be a part of so many people's lives and walk alongside them.  That is a privilege I do not take lightly.   I have seen our children grow and mature and walk into their own personal next chapter.  I have experienced the love of a man who loves me deeply and I have loved him in return and known such joy for the effort.  Some of my life long dreams have come true.  There has been so much good in this chapter.  But I would not be sharing the whole story if I didn't also mention the disappointments and hurt that has been along the path.  Life doesn't come without potholes and I have experienced what seems like more than my share of them on this leg of the journey.  The lessons I have learned along the way have been priceless, however.

So that being said and remembering that the journey is a culminating one, I take those memories and lessons and joys into this next chapter.   I bring with me new connections and deep friendships that I didn't have previously.  I don't disregard the lessons learned, for hopefully I will have learned them well and  be aware of the same potholes again.  I look forward with anticipation to the next chapter, embracing the transition fully.  It's not good-bye -- it's time to live the next chapter!

Unwillingness

I remember the days of Junior High Science class taught by Mr. Fry.  Now, in my expert middle school mind Mr. Fry was not hip in the 80's.  If I remember correctly, he wore plaid pants from the 70's and white shirts every day.  He carried pens in his front shirt pocket.  He was not the handsomest of men.  He had a funny way of walking/hopping/striding about the front of the room when teaching.  His voice was shrill and I wouldn't call him a gentle spirit.   However unusual Mr. Fry was  as a human being in my perception, Mr. Fry changed the path of my life.  I am forever grateful to him.

I was a pretty good student...mostly A's and B's...usually A's back in the day...until Junior High Science class.  For some reason, I went into a slump and was not excelling.  I was interested in music and boys and exciting classes like Enrichment Class where I got to study and research things I was interested in such as horses (always a love in my life).  Science, to me at the time, had no connection to what I was going to do or needed to learn.  Mr. Fry, as unusual as he was in his teaching style, didn't keep my attention and I became despondent in class not showing much effort.

At that time we were studying a unit on geology.  Now, I love nature.  I love being outside more than inside.  I love enjoying all that God created on this earth.  But rocks?  Come on.  What is interesting about rocks?  Mind you, these weren't gemstones.  They were your basic rocks you might find in your driveway or garden.  The test for the unit was coming fast and we were to recognize 50 different types of rocks by sight and know their class and name and specifications.  You might not know this about me, but I am horrible at memorizing things.  Even to this day, I struggle with that part of my mind.   Memorizing the material seemed like an impossible task and I wasn't trying as hard as I could have.

I was slumped in my seat, not really listening in class when Mr. Fry stopped beside me.  He looked at me and said, "Miss Hancock, you are your own worst enemy.  If you think you can't do something you will never be able to do it."  YIKES!  Singled out among my fellow students, called by name and I felt like my fortune was read!  I was humiliated and angry and slumped further in my seat, but that day a seed was planted.  The seed was...someone saw potential in me to succeed  and I didn't see it within myself.  I had given up on myself.  I had written my own path and had chosen the road of unwillingness.  Mr. Fry, for all intents and purposes became a catalyst to change.  Something within me was challenged to not give up when he singled me out and I wanted to prove him differently.

I searched for ways of memorizing those rocks.  I made index cards, lists and studied and to no avail...I could not remember more than 10-12 of the rocks.  I got the idea to put the rocks and their information to music.   The song I chose was "Over the Rainbow" from the Wizard of Oz (as it was very popular back then and I had taped it on my recorder and listened to it a million times).  The test came and the identification process started....rocks 1-50.  Amazingly...I got an A on that test....my original arrangement of the song afforded my brain the right language to memorize the facts.  I was stunned.  Mr. Fry was ecstatic and gave me the "I told you so" speech...this time celebrating my success in front of everyone. 

I learned something that day.  I learned a valuable life lesson.  I have the power within me to create my path but it takes a willingness.  Being willing is a choice.  It's not genetic.  It's not bred into us.  It is a choice we have when we are faced with things we don't want to learn or do or tackle in this life.  Willingness is a mindset that will afford us the opportunity to learn things we never thought we could.  Willingness is a mindset that affects my courage to try new things.  Willingness is a mindset that affects my entire life. 

Thanks, Mr. Fry.  I am deeply grateful for what you taught me that day.

What makes you strong?

I love to read.  It doesn't matter what medium:  Nook, paperback or audible.  Reading brings me pleasure and opens up the world of new thoughts and ideas.  

I have always loved reading (Thanks Mom for reading to me as a kid!).  I remember when I was in sixth grade in Union Elementary (River View School District in Ohio), the library was my favorite room in the school.  I would often check out ten books or more at a time (The librarian was my friend.) and I would read them in a week and turn them back in for ten more.  Instead of going to the card file (Remember those little index cards?), I would peruse the shelves...looking at the covers...opening them to read snippets of the story and see if what I read piqued my interest.  I read ALL kinds of books:  fiction, non-fiction, biographies, autobiographies...whatever else was left...even how-to books.  Reading was an escape into other people's world.  It was better than TV or a movie.  

Two years ago, a book was suggested to me by a friend that really made me think about what creates joy within me.  The book was Find Your Strongest Life.  It suggested that when we are passionate about something we feel strong. It makes us feel good and creative and at our best.  This got me thinking in a new direction with new vocabulary which made me think new thoughts.  The author, Marcus Buckingham, asked the reader to finish the sentence..."I feel strong when..."

So here they are -- my top five:

• I feel strong when I am teaching the "hows" of creating music....how to exude passion in your voice and through your instrument...and in showing my students -- (those who are above the rudimentary skills level) that they hold the key opening up the story inside each piece of music.  It takes analysis to find the individual secret within each student because no two students are the same, as well as the creativity to explain it how they can grasp it.  If at first you don't succeed...describe it again in a different way.  It is most fulfilling when they respond and find the passion within themselves.  It makes me feel like I am making a difference in their path as I help them find the key inside their spirit that unlocks the melody within.  It creates another path of joy. 

• I feel strong when I'm sharing ideas with others (in general)...listening to theirs...seeking truth....and considering.  Not necessarily finding an answer...but it's the journey..the process that invigorates me...a think tank of sorts.  I love the brainstorming...throwing out ideas...taking things apart...and figuring out the whys and hows...regardless of how silly or crazy.  I like to do this with all generations...anyone who will join in the fun.  I love it when the ideas aren't thrown out to persuade...and the pressure isn't there to make a decision.  It generates a creativity within me that I love.

• I feel strong when I am playing/singing and telling the story of the song myself...connecting with a piece of music just for me.  I get lost and time just flies by...especially if I am writing or creating original music. If others are listening in...so be it....even better perhaps to see if I can get them to glimpse what I see/feel.  It doesn't matter if I'm with a band or by myself.  I like the playing off the band members...if they will let themselves be free...and feel and create.  The power of the collective is amazing at that point.  This creates a deep sense of peace..purpose...and yet energizes me.

• I feel strong when I am doing something for myself...such as reading...exercising..sitting by the sea...soaking up vitamin D...even weeding the garden....taking time for me.  This is my refuel time.  It gives my brain time to be free...think of whatever.  Sometimes my best processing is done in the quiet of doing something as I described.  A thought path can be followed...and hammered out...and put back together again...with Plans...A, B, C, et cetera.  There is no end to the options, opportunities.

•  I feel strong when I can make order out of chaos.  This could be ...organizing things, trips, people, or thoughts or even designing a garden.  I like breaking down a task into smaller bite sized pieces. Even though I love creating uncluttered order, if conflict gets injected into the mix, it totally loses its strengthening power, and becomes a weakness. 

The exercise was eye opening in pinpointing what made me feel "strong".  Crazy me...at first I had to process whether or not it was okay to feel "strong".  At that point in time in my life I was feeling anything but strong or having positive self-worth.  However, I was able to narrow down times when I felt strong and looking back, it is a good blueprint of how I was created to be.  I needed to read it and recognize those strengths within myself.  After all, I believe growth happens when I look deep inside myself and am able to view myself with a different lens.  

So..what makes YOU feel strong?

MY CONFESSION

Have you ever caught yourself in a habit?  Good or bad...it can be eye-opening when you have the ability for even a moment to stand back and view yourself as someone else would see you in that moment.

I discovered a habit I have in communication.  This habit occurs especially when I am talking about myself.  Now that I have discovered it...I have had to use the delete button multiple times and each time I am now asking myself - why did you phrase it that way?

Wanna know what it is?

I often use the word "just" as a clarifier.  I mean OFTEN.  VERY OFTEN.

You might think...GASP...what in the world?  Oh no!  That is awful!  (In writing these past couple paragraphs, I have typed the word "just" at least three different times and had to erase it.)  Or you might be thinking...that Deb Anderson....she is NUTSO!  Why in the world does it make a difference what clarifier she uses or that she uses one at all?

I have realized something, though, in using the word "just".  I have chosen to use the word in the wrong way.  I use it in a way that minimizes my thought or feeling which translates to minimizing myself.  Looking at the definition...when used as adverb it means exact or precisely.  I find I use it incorrectly and exact or precise is not at all what it means.  Let me give you an example.

Think of questions and responses.

"Who is there?"  It's just me.
"Where are you going on vacation?"  It's not that far -- just to the beach.
"What are you reading these days?"  It's a just a book I had on my shelf.
"How are you feeling?"  I am just so tired these days.


See how it minimizes the answer?  Just me....JUST me. It makes me sound less important than if I were to say:  It's me.  ME.  "Just to the beach".  JUST?  Are you kidding me?  The beach is the most awesome place in the world for a vacation (my personal opinion).  JUST -- no way.  "Just" doesn't even belong in the same sentence with the word beach!  "I am just so tired these days."  Just tired...minimizes how I feel.  It makes my feelings seem less important than someone else's.

See what I mean?

So I am on a quest to stop using the word "just".  I am on a quest to not minimize my feelings or thoughts.  I am trying to break the habit...of minimizing me.