Do more...

I saw this thought on my friend's FB page for her business and it struck a chord with me.  See, I have lived with someone who takes photos...when there are no photos to take except of herself.  I have also been the one to document the lives of my children in family - from behind the camera.  I love photos...I am a visual person.  I just organized over 2000 photos on my drive from the past few years (Way too many, I know!)   I also love words that create pictures...a good story grabs me from the start.

But as I saw this quote...it struck a chord in my heart.  Do more...participate in life....connect with those who are within touching range.

Yes, I have friends who aren't within touching range...some of them are the best friends of my life.  I keep connected through the phone and words and pictures and letters and cards...because I can't see them in person.  However, when I DO see them in person, I want to seize the moments...and remember...document them by A photo or two --- and let the rest be in my memory.  

I want to remember this while I am in my family room with the boys, sitting on the porch with my husband, visiting with friends for a weekend, or just sitting outside listening to the birds sing while the sun is setting.  I want to remember that the here and now escapes...and it is lost forever unless I notice and participate in what is going on around me.

Now, I'm not going to abandon the camera -- or my phone and throw them out the window.  What I want to do, though, is to be more intentional about living...not more intentional about documenting life around me.  Thoughts for today...

Why do we avoid endings?

This week I have been thinking about endings.  I have been wondering a few things so I will put them in first person:  one -- why do I struggle finalizing the end of things -- projects, papers, tasks, et cetera?  two -- why do I think there is something still left to salvage when there is a clear need for more??  three -- why do I not like to say good-bye?  four -- why do I fear endings?

I find it hard to finalize projects because in my mind there is always more -- more to learn, more to perfect, more to strive for, more to write, more to think, more to discuss, more to catch..fill in the blank, more.  It's not the thought that it's not good enough - there is just MORE.  I can hold that note longer, have more resonance, find the perfect piece of art for that spot, make the recipe a little better, gain more confidence, find the connection more deeply....there is always MORE.

There is a part of me that doesn't think on empty -- I look at a glass with a few swallows of water in it as a waitress comes by and asks if I want more -- and I think to myself -- no, my glass isn't empty!  I don't need a refill yet.  It's the same feeling with leftovers -- if there is anything left - why make something new until you have eaten what is left from before?  If there is one more paper on that notepad...don't throw it away -- use it before you open a new one.  One more tissue - one more squeeze of toothpaste...you get the idea.

I find it hard to finalize projects because in my mind there is always more -- more to learn, more to perfect, more to strive for, more to write, more to think, more to discuss, more to catch..fill in the blank, more.  It's not the thought that it's not good enough - there is just MORE.  I can hold that note longer, have more resonance, find the perfect piece of art for that spot, make the recipe a little better....there is always MORE.

Then my mind goes to good-byes.  I would rather say "See you soon!"  "See you later!"  "Until next time!" than say "Good-bye!".  This is something I am noticing in myself that I wonder about.  Good-bye seems final.  Good-byes to people that I love, are just plain hard.  Closing down my studio time after time of moving from place to place to start again has been just plain hard.  Seeing friendships wax and wane -- is a form of good-bye and is hard.  Remember those seasons of life I spoke of in earlier posts? Sometimes, I want the season for a lifetime -- my lifetime.  Not the natural lifetime of the other person, thing, flower...et cetera.  I ask myself -- is it selfish of me to not want things to end?  Or am I afraid?

Maybe I don't like endings because I am a natural born planner (working on spontaneity in my life) and I can't foresee or forecast the next leg of the journey.  The unknown paralyzes for a time -- until it is known...and then most of the time once I have moved into the next phase I say to myself - see?  This isn't so bad!  In fact, it's better than expected! Maybe my fear of the unknown keeps me from ending things that should have been ended long ago -- like me hanging onto certain projects that haven't been finished for years  that are stored in tubs in the basement.  Or I think about that book I still have next to my bed that I don't want to shelve because I haven't finished it but yet I pick up other books to read instead of reaching for that one night after night.  Endings.  Hmmmm....

Maybe this is what my new approach should be when it comes to good-byes or endings.  Maybe I need to replace my fear-based thinking with possibility-based thinking.  I need to remind myself that with every ending a beginning starts.

If I think in beginnings...and look forward to beginnings...then maybe the endings won't be so scary.

"Living the Dream"

In my work as a SSA hearing reporter, I sometimes travel to remote hearing sites.  At those hearing sites, the applicant (claimant) and sometimes the lawyer appear at the remote site and we video-conference with the administrative law judge and expert witness and hold their appeal hearing.

At remote sites, the protocol is a bit different in that I have my own guard.  There is always a security risk when you are alone in a room with a stranger who might or might not be adversarial, so the guard is to protect and watch and hopefully their presence will prevent something bad from happening.

Anyway, I tell you this to introduce my latest thoughts on living.  There is a certain guard who has a creative answer when someone asks him how he is doing.  He answers, "I am living the dream."  He smiles as he says it, making you believe all is wonderful in his world.

I have heard his response so many times that lately one question floods into my thoughts and I want to ask him:  Whose dream are you living?

That question leads to another question:  And is that dream a pleasant dream or a nightmare?

I have a plaque that I have placed in our home and I look at it every day.  It says, "Live the life you have imagined."

Those two phrases, "Living the dream" and "Live the life you have imagined" have been ruminating inside my head now for months.

I challenged myself in the last few years to think about my life.   I have been speaking to my therapist, analyzing thoughts and motives, responses and choices.  I share my inner thoughts with a few chosen friends.  I have looked  back as far as I remember as well as to everything in the present days and what fell  between.  I have brainstormed, delved deep inside my motives and heart and processed in journals in order to reflect.  

As I have reflected upon my past, I asked myself:  What was the life I imagined myself living way back when my Cousin Becca and I were playing "secretary" or "library" on those many afternoons of imaginative play?  (Okay, we won't go into how we wore leotards on our heads in order to have long flowing hair at the time; or how we used index cards and made up our own Dewey decimal  system for our "library".) 

However, that question led me to the next question:  What is the life I now dream of living?

Which led to the next question:  Am I living that life and if not, what is it going to take to begin?

Sometimes our childhood dreams, innocent and pure, get hijacked.  They get hijacked by the expectations of others, the fear that dwells inside us,  the "oughts, musts or shoulds" that have been self-imposed or imposed by others , or dreams are limited by the resources that are available in our young lives.  Sometimes we don't trust ourselves in order to put one foot in front of the other to begin living out the dream.  Sometimes we feel it's easier to live out someone else's dream.

Now as an adult with a few years under my sandals, I see how the effects of my past choices affect my choices in the here and now.  If I let them, unrealized or half-lived dreams can affect my new dream positively or negatively.  It depends on the power and focus that I give to them.  The present dream, the life I imagine, is how I am living the here and now.  There is freedom in realizing that I have the power not only to dream and to imagine, but to LIVE the dream in my head.  Yes, there will be outside influences and circumstances that affect my dream, but the person steering the sailboat is me.  I choose to put the sails up or take them down, when to jibe and when to float along in the sea of life.   It's taken me a long time to realize that I am responsible for whose dream I am living.   I am responsible for making that dream a positive one or a living nightmare.  I am the creator and "imaginator" of the dream.  It's up to me to do the hard work not only to choose, but to live the dream I imagined.

Endings: Don't Abort! Don't Abort!

My family finished up a wonderful week at our favorite vacation spot.  Our time was near perfect to our expectations and we enjoyed every minute of being together - with the exception of the 14 hour travel time from home to our hideaway.  As we neared the end of our time away I noticed things:  none of us wanted the time to end.

Some of us got cranky and some became sad.  Some got anxious and started packing early.  Some procrastinated packing until the very last second perhaps thinking that if they put it off it might never need to happen and we could stay indefinitely.

I found that as we visited the local souvenir shop that other people seemed to have the same thought.  They were searching for that perfect token to trigger memories of the time they wanted to remember and wished would never end.

I have found that endings are often viewed as negative events.  Think of the endings you have experienced in your lifetime.  Even as a young child we experienced endings (positive or negative):  the end of crawling around when we started walking as our mode of transportation; school years ticking by; friendships change as re-locations happen; we finish great books or TV series that we have enjoyed; our first job ends; a deadline on a project ends; vacations come and go and time moves on as life offers more choices to begin new things, tasks, projects, experiences, and relationships.

Think about this thought:  "No one knew better than a gardener that life never stayed static.  Cycles were necessary, for without them there was no bloom." - Nora Roberts, In the Garden Trilogy.

I like this thought:  if not for the life cycle of each project, issue, relationship...we would not experience vibrant color and sweet fragrance that each brings to our lives.  We would miss those sweet blooms of taking vacations with family, the fragrance of life as we watch our children grow and experience life on their own, the vibrant eye-catching color of passion and romance in relationships, the showy palette of a project completed and accomplishment experienced as shade on our journey.

Endings don't have to be viewed as negative.  Within the perspective that something better is in the next bloom cycle, one can enjoy the current aesthetics of current bloom cycle and look forward to the next season at the same time.

I AM...

Today, I awoke feeling blessed.
  

• I am blessed to be married to a man who holds me even in his sleep.
• I am blessed to have three wonderful kids who are healthy and who like spending time with me (for the moment!)
• I am blessed to have grown up in a loving family and have parents who were hard workers and who taught me how to enjoy working hard.
• I am blessed to have a beautiful home to live in...with my own horses right next door.  
• I am blessed to have dreams of mine come to fruition.
• I am blessed to have good health and sleep soundly at night.
• I am blessed to be able to read, type, do arithmetic, and form semi-coherent thoughts on things.
• I am blessed to feel emotions  - joy, sadness, disappointment, you fill in the blank.
• I am blessed to live in the United States of America.
• I am blessed to have the freedom to choose and seek and explore my faith in God.

• And the list goes on and on and on.

"I am..."  -- in the next moment...the feeling of being blessed and thankful could turn into...I am -- hungry. It could turn into...I am -- happy, overwhelmed, discombobulated...it could turn into...anything really.  Recognition of feelings and emotions.  I choose what to put after the statement "I am".  

Then I think about God stating He is the I AM.  I never really thought of it like this before.  I always thought of putting a noun his statement....not adjectives for some reason.  God stating He is the I AM --  could mean there is nothing that He isn't or hasn't been (with a noun afterwards).  But if I put an adjective after his I AM, that means there is no feeling He hasn't experienced.  No emotion unfelt.  So...if by chance my personal "I am" turns negative...He can relate.  When it turns positively positive (like this morning) ...He can relate.  


I am...grateful for that truth.  So...what do you choose to put after your "I am..." today?

Weebles Wobble

  Remember the toy in the 1970's - -the Weebles?  I can hear the commercial slogan in my head "Weebles Wobble but they don't fall down."  It brings back many childhood memories and now makes me think as an adult -- how cool would it be to wobble or come dangerously close to falling and yet spring back upright again and not fall down!

I have been thinking about resilience lately:  what makes some people resilient and others not so much.  I have witnessed in my own life people whom I would label, if I could, a Weeble.  I see them rise above or walk within their struggles in creative ways and continue living.  They are heroes in my opinion.  It's not that they aren't down at times or don't complain about their circumstances at times, but I think the difference is that they don't get stuck in their circumstance.  That is the difference.  They don't get stuck.

I have witnessed these people in my life.  They are people who face adversity in many forms:  chronic physical illness, mental illness, hard times of many sorts, relationship fractures, seasons of darkness or distraction or feeling lost, and the list goes on and on.  I am attributing the difference of the Weebles to their "Wobble Factor".  Some people wobble.  Some people fall.  Some people wobble a little.  Some people wobble a lot.  Some people wobble right to the edge of falling over or even lay almost parallel to the ground at times.  Some people get up after falling once or twice.  Some people never get up again.

I have been reading a book by Dr. Brene Brown called The Gifts of Imperfection.  In her studies she has found that there is a connection between hope and resilience.  She says she has found that hope is NOT a feeling.  That is contrary to what I have always thought.  There are scriptures about hope all through the Bible that I have read my whole life.  What she says adds to my thoughts about hope and makes sense.  In her studies she found that hope is a way of thinking (ch.3 page 73).  "Hope happens when:  we have the ability to set realistic goals, we are able to figure out how to achieve those goals including the ability to stay flexible and develop alternative routes, and we believe in ourselves."

This makes sense to me.

I know that in my life I have experienced things that have made me wobble.  Some things made me wobble a little.  Some things have knocked me to the floor.  Some issues were short lived.  Some issues aren't going away anytime soon and might be there forever.  If I focus on the issue itself, life gets dark and I find I lose hope.  But if I can look around my issue -- over, under, around and make a goal of how to live with it, create a plan, put the plan into action and keep it flexible to change under added circumstances, and believe that I can move forward in my life in some positive manner, then in my thinking that is the "Weeble Factor", i.e. resilience which fosters hope.

Weebles Wobble but they don't fall down.


Lamentations 3:21-26 (NKJV)
This I recall to my mind, therefore I have hope. Through the Lord's mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not.  They are new every morning;  Great is Your faithfulness.  "The Lord is my portion", says my soul, "Therefore I hope in Him!".

The Next Chapter

I have shared in my past posts that I am an avid reader.  Reading to me is like the best dessert -- an escape -- something I look forward to in my free time to open my mind to new thoughts and topics and hopefully not only escape but learn something as I read.  As I read, the more I get into the book the more I look forward to....the next chapter.  In the next chapter, the plot continues and the information I gathered in the story line culminates, furthering the journey, no matter the genre of the book. 

Today, in my life, I am very close to ending one chapter and beginning the next.  In just a couple days the transition will take place with a new Chapter Heading and life moving forward.  Am I looking forward to this chapter?  Oh yes, I definitely am.  Even so, life continues whether we want it to or not.   Alas, I am ready for the next chapter.

Thinking about the next chapter makes me think of a few things:  does looking forward to the next chapter mean that I want to totally disregard the one I am finishing?   Do I forget this chapter and all that I have lived?  No.  Not in the least.  In this chapter of my life I have made wonderful friends and positive things have happened in my family.  It has been exciting and full of changes on many levels.  I have been allowed to be a part of so many people's lives and walk alongside them.  That is a privilege I do not take lightly.   I have seen our children grow and mature and walk into their own personal next chapter.  I have experienced the love of a man who loves me deeply and I have loved him in return and known such joy for the effort.  Some of my life long dreams have come true.  There has been so much good in this chapter.  But I would not be sharing the whole story if I didn't also mention the disappointments and hurt that has been along the path.  Life doesn't come without potholes and I have experienced what seems like more than my share of them on this leg of the journey.  The lessons I have learned along the way have been priceless, however.

So that being said and remembering that the journey is a culminating one, I take those memories and lessons and joys into this next chapter.   I bring with me new connections and deep friendships that I didn't have previously.  I don't disregard the lessons learned, for hopefully I will have learned them well and  be aware of the same potholes again.  I look forward with anticipation to the next chapter, embracing the transition fully.  It's not good-bye -- it's time to live the next chapter!